The Holidays are Coming!

The holidays are just around the corner. As soon as October starts to wind down every year I start anticipating the holiday season. I am expecting this year's holiday season to be very different for our family. For one, we will be living 3,000 miles away. We will be getting to know new friends, and it will be the first holiday season without my mom. The funny thing is I remember last year at Christmas my mom said "well this is probably my last Christmas" and I remember thinking 'hmm, she says this every year but I think she might be right this year'. Well unfortunately she was right and the last 5 1/2 months without her have been really difficult but I have a feeling that the holidays will be even more difficult.
For many years I have always been big on entertaining, especially around this time of year. Nothing made me happier than hosting a house full of people. I loved the planning, cooking, and preparing. It made me feel like my Grandma. She was always the one who cooked all day and she did it because she truly enjoyed it. My mom did it too but it was different, she did it because she had to. She was married into this family and it was expected of her when it was her turn. It stressed her out, and she didn't have the same relaxed, easy feeling that my Grandma did.
Nobody has ever expected me to do it. I just did it because it made me happy. Now that is not to say that I haven't had my share of stressful breakdowns in the middle of planning, preparing and cooking, but for the most part I always have enjoyed it. I did it because it gave me such pleasure to feed people and make them happy. I loved to make the old family recipes and I loved finding the new recipes and mixing them in too.
A few years ago things started changing. I had pulled back socially from so many. Our big Christmas Eve dinners had dwindled down to just a few friends. The way we had done things before had become so costly and I had just become a different person. I was sad, angry and depressed. I hated that things had changed, I just didn't know how to make things better.
We are moving to Virginia in 19 days. It will be 9 days before Thanksgiving. I am so looking forward to this fresh start and this opportunity to make things good again for our holiday season. I have already promised my girlfriend Debi that I will cook Thanksgiving dinner. I am hoping that her family and at least one other family will join us for Christmas Eve (it's by far my favorite holiday and a huge Italian tradition to celebrate on Christmas Eve). It is so strange to think that we will not be here this year. To think that my mom won't be here. To imagine what it is going to be like to shop, plan and prepare in a completely new state, on the other side of the country, without a chance of us spending the holiday season with our friends and family here in California. It makes me a little sad for sure. I am sure there will be moments that will be difficult. I am also sure that we will be starting new traditions and that soon we will get used to our new surroundings and we will be fine. I haven't sent out Christmas cards for the last 2 years because I just felt that I didn't have much to say and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. This year I can't wait to take a family picture of us in our new home state. I am already picturing what it will look like and planning what we will wear. I can't wait!

I just said to Chris yesterday, "if someone would have said to me a year ago, 'one year from now you will be getting ready to move to Virginia' I would have thought they were crazy, what we are about to do is so far from anything I ever pictured. It is so far from my comfort zone. The funny thing is at the same time it feels so right... Those 19 days better hurry up because I am so ready!!

Thank God that the time is flying by!

What a great week we had here at the Britton house. Time seemed to just fly. I am so glad it did because I am missing my husband something awful. I texted him yesterday and said that I thought this time apart might have been a good thing for us because now we will never question our love for each other since being apart is really hard and we miss each other so much. He said "uh.. I wasn't questioning it before.. is there something you want to tell me?" Which of course I knew would be his answer. I never was questioning it but I will be honest, I didn't know it would be this hard. I think I was just caught up in the logistics of everything and worried about keeping up with my schedule that I wasn't thinking about how difficult it would be to be away from my husband for 7 weeks. Well let me just say it really stinks. Today is the first day that I haven't cried at some point, I don't mean that I am walking around sobbing or anything but at different times during the day I have for sure teared up... and maybe sobbed a few times too.
Yesterday we had good news.. twice and I think because of that it made today so much more tolerable and enjoyable. Oh and maybe the fact that I had a pedicure didn't hurt either! First we found out that the house we are leasing is going to be ready much sooner than we had thought, the current tenants are moving out this weekend which means we can move in as soon as we want. That takes a huge weight off our shoulders because as it was before we were going to have to spend the 11 days until the house was ready in the basement that Chris is renting, we would have made it work but the idea of actually being able to move into the house we will be living in is so much better. The other piece of good news was that we are going to leave 3 days sooner than we had planned. Which of course doesn't sound like a big deal but 3 days is a big deal when you are missing your guy and your kids are missing their daddy.
Since the day that Chris left my girls and I have been having the never ending slumber party. We all 3 sleep in my room. We dragged in the mattress from the trundle in Gianna's room and put it on the floor in front of my bed so that one of them could sleep with me and the other one could sleep in the trundle. It's been a lot of fun and has helped us all kind of cope with the whole situation. We spend the last hour or so of our evening chatting, laughing, and sometimes crying together. It's been a really good bonding time for us and a time that I hope we will all remember.
This whole experience is still a little surreal to me. In the middle of the night I have to get up to let the dogs out and every single night as I walk back up the stairs in the dark house I look around at all the boxes and think 'oh my God this is really happening, we are seriously moving across the country'.
This weekend my goal is to pack up the rest of my office, my bedroom and the laundry room. We will see if I get it all accomplished... As of today we have 25 days until we get on that plane, 25 days to get everything we own into boxes and to say our goodbyes. Twenty five days left in California... isn't that just crazy?!

Lonely

I have written about being lonely before. I have felt lonely often. I have created a very lonely world for myself and I really, truly have no one to blame but myself. I know this and yet here I sit thinking 'holy crap this sucks, I hate being so lonely'.
When our family began going through the financial crisis that we have been enduring over the last three years I pushed many people away. I isolated myself because I felt that our situation made friends and some family members uncomfortable. I felt that they didn't know what to say, that they might think we were going to ask them for money (which for the record we have not asked anyone for money or any kind of help, so nobody needs to be worried about being hit up). I made these decisions for our family and they weren't easy, they weren't taken lightly. When my mom died 5 months ago I started to REALLY feel the consequences of what I had done, really understanding how serious my decision was. I realized that my phone still wasn't ringing, that nobody was really here to help me through it. I was the one to blame, not them. I knew I had done it. I had hurt people's feelings by pushing them away, by turning down their offers of dinner or being in their bunco group. But I just didn't want to do it, I didn't want to be a part of their world. I wanted to be alone with my family.
So here we are 3 years into it, things are starting to turn around for us finally. Chris has an awesome new job and he loves it. The money is so much better, the situation is wonderful and he sounds happier than I have heard him in years. But here I am. So flippin lonely I want to scream. Chris's job is 3,000 miles away. My husband now lives in Virginia and here I sit in California. I know it's only temporary and I know the time will fly but I will tell you that right now, in this minute the time is crawling by and it feels as if November 19th will never, ever get here.
The good thing is I have two amazing daughters who are getting me through this every day. Two girls that miss their daddy so much that they cry right along with me almost every day. We are trying our hardest to not be sad and to not miss him but it seems impossible.
Before anybody says anything like "well it could be worse" Let me just say, I know it could be worse. I am well aware of how lucky we are to have such a strong family and a strong marriage. I have been thinking about other women I know tonight who have been through so much worse and they survived. I was thinking of my lifelong friend Deanna who lost her husband 7 years ago and has been raising her 4 kids by herself. I think of how amazing she is for doing such an incredible job. I think about my mom losing my dad at 56 years old, how she must have felt like she had so much time ahead of her to be alone. I remember how lonely she was and how hard it was for her. I remember that I didn't do much to make it better either. I have a friend on facebook whose husband travels for a living and she has 3 kids and works full time and she does it by herself all the time, I know she must be lonely and I know it has to be hard, but by God she does it and her kids seem to be doing just fine. It's these women that are getting me through this. It's knowing that if they can do it I can too.
Tonight both of my girls are gone and I have been sitting here by myself throwing a pity party. I keep thinking about how much better it is going to be when we get to Virginia and we are all together. I keep envisioning how we are all going to be living in a different house, the girls are going to new schools, making new friends. It all makes me smile and helps to make me feel a little less lonely. I hope that tonight when I go to bed that I dream about our new life. I am so ready for it to begin.

Kudos to the working single mom.

It's been 8 days since Chris left for our new life. Eight days of missing him terribly and wishing we could be there with him. Eight days of being a full time working, single mother of two. Holy cow it's hard. Chris is not a lay on the couch, let the wife do everything kind of a guy. He's a I will do my share of the work kind of guy. He has worked from home for the last year so he really has done so much around here, all the driving of the kids to and from school, taking care of the girls schedule, running errands that I need done during the day, like the post office, bank etc... While I was the full time, out of the home for 8 to 10 hours a day mom. I did all the cooking and cleaning and he pretty much took care of the rest. It was working really well for me I do have to say. Now, this new schedule? Just sucks. Let me give you a little window into my world the last week-
6:30 am, wake up, take a shower, get dressed and then take Allison to school at 7.
7:00 am come back to the house finish getting ready, make the bed, do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, whichever one has been waiting longer.
8:00 am leave to take Gianna to school to have her there by 8:20, even though school doesn't start til 8:45 my kid likes to hang out, just like her mom did (oh wait I NEVER wanted to be to school early)
8:30 stop at Starbucks, see my fave barista's fill them in on the latest, grap my jcfl (that's a java chip frap light)
8:50 arrive at school early so I can make sure I am all prepped for the day.
9:00 to 2:30 work my butt off with my 18 kindergartners who are for sure out to get me.
2:30 to 3:00 take my lunch break so that I can go pick up Gianna from school.
3:00 to 5:30 finish working, close the school. Then go pick up Allison from school who has been out of cheer practice since 5:00 and is waiting patiently for me
5:30 to 7:00 still trying to figure out what exactly it is that I do during this time, but every single night I have been trying to get home but every night there is something to do!
7:00 to 10:00 make dinner, clean, do laundry, try to pack a box or two or do something productive before I pass out.
So there it is, my daily life in a nutshell. It's dumb. I hate it. I have so much I need to be getting done and I feel like I am accomplishing nothing yet I do not have a spare minute in my day to do so.
My situation is only temporary and there is a beautiful bright light at the end of the tunnel so I will survive, I will do it and try hard not to complain too much. I have a new found respect for the moms (or dads) that do this for years. It is hard work and it's lonely.
Speaking of lonely, my poor husband is so lonely all the way out in Virginia by himself. He sent me the sweetest text the other night saying how he missed us so much and how we need to go get webcams so that he can see us when we talk. The only problem with talking with him is the time difference, by the time the girls and I are home and ready to chat he is sound asleep!
Last week was especially hard for Chris because we had kind of a big weekend around here. Allison was presented with her varsity letter for cheer. They usually do not give letters out til the end of the year but because we are moving they did a special presentation to her at the homecoming pep rally assembly at her school. It was very cool. She was also voted Sophomore homecoming Princess. Chris had to miss both of these things and it was hard, it was hard for Allison not to have her dad here and it was hard for Chris not to be able to celebrate with us.
Well I am going to do my best to keep being productive and keep my mind off of all the stress. I just want the next 5 weeks to fly by!
Oh and in an attempt to be more productive I have temporarily deleted my facebook account, as I spend entirely too much time on there. The only problem is most of my readers are from facebook and they read my blog when I link it to my facebook wall. This will be a good test to see if they will still read even if I don't remind them to!

Teenage love story.

This is a long one so be prepared...
Chris and I have always been fairly liberal parents. Although we are not the kind of parents who party in front of their kids, for one Chris doesn't drink. Ever. When I do it's not very often and it's only a cocktail or two. We have never ever had even one drink and gotten behind the wheel of a car. I just don't believe in it. My parents liked to drink socially when I was a kid and I have pretty vivid memories of worrying about them leaving places drunk and driving, it scared me to death and I would never do that to my kids. We don't smoke, I have never in my life done any drug, I haven't even ever smoked pot. Again this has so much to do with how I was raised and what I was exposed to. I was raised in the 70's and 80's with 3 older siblings and lets just say they liked to have fun. I watched it and didn't like what I saw and just made different choices than they did.
Anyway, at this point you are wondering where does the liberal parenting come in? Well while I try very hard to set a good example for my kids in some ways in other ways I am way laid back and so is Chris. We both use bad language... often. We probably (not probably, definitely) are way too liberal with what our kids watch on t.v, with the conversations that we let them overhear. We are not at all the parents that shelter their kids from what is going on in our lives. We sometimes give them way too much information. Our kids had cell phones and access to the Internet well before many of their friends and they both have always had t.v's in their rooms. These aren't always popular decisions and some people think it's crazy but it has worked for us. We trust our kids and so far they have yet to make us change our minds.
So all of that leads up to the reason I am writing this post. Last year Allison came to us and asked us if she could have a boyfriend. It was the very beginning of her freshman year and she and this boy had been texting and talking all summer. She had liked him since the 7th grade and he had just asked her to be his girlfriend. I knew there would be backlash. I knew that friends and probably some family members would be appalled but Chris and I talked about it, set some ground rules and said yes.
Here were the rules- We had to meet him right away. We had to meet his parents. There would be NO unsupervised dates, which meant we would not be dropping them off to go to the movies or anywhere else without a chaperon.
Allison then explained all the rules to this boy and he said "my parents will say the same thing". Perfect.
So the relationship began. We met his family before their first date. It was their New Coming dance (homecoming for a new school). They were both super nervous and super cute. We all met at our house to take pictures. It went really well. We instantly liked his family, we liked him and it was all good.

Allison and Blake, first date.

So here we are 11 months later. This boy has become part of our family. We have spent almost every holiday in the last year with his whole family. His parents have become such good friends of ours that we often hang out without the kids.

Allison and Blake will once again go to that dance this weekend. They won't be nearly as nervous but they are still very smitten with each other.

So I love these two together. I know that I probably shouldn't promote my teenage daughter having a long term relationship, I know that so many of my friends have said that we should have said no boyfriend until you are 16 or 17. But this has worked, It has worked for all of us, we have wonderful new friends and it has actually brought me and Allison closer together.

The hardest part is knowing that soon they will have to say goodbye. They are going to have a hard time and so are we adults. Blake's step mom cried of and on all day on Sunday watching them together. Knowing what lies ahead and knowing that they are both going to be sad. I told them that they don't have to break up, that with technology the way it is today they could just text/skype/facebook/aim/call each other every day. I know in my heart it's not practical and that it will be difficult at best but I have told them from the beginning that I support their relationship and I will continue to support it, even if it's from 2800 miles away.

Oh so bittersweet...

It's all happening. For real, our move is no longer just something we are talking about and planning, it's happening. It became a reality when my husband left Monday morning. He no longer lives here. He is on his way, driving cross country solo to our new lives in Virginia. It was difficult to say goodbye, we all bawled like babies. I know it's only 6 weeks and I know we will all survive and people probably think I am being dramatic by being so sad. But I am sad. I am scared, I am lonely and I am happy all at the same time. This is something I have been waiting for for so long. Something I have wanted and talked about and now it's happening. The sad part is that the girls and I have to wait to move until November 19th (that is just the tentative date, nothing is set in stone yet). We have to wait until we have saved enough money to make the move. So for the next 6 weeks we have to live without a daddy here in our home. It's a bummer. Especially when there is still so much to do before we go. There is so much packing and preparing. So many people that we love so much that we are going to be leaving. So many good bye's to say. Chris got to say goodbye to a few friends on Sunday. We didn't have a party, we didn't make a big deal about him leaving because quite honestly I didn't want it to be sad. It was also Allison's birthday on Sunday and I wanted it to be a happy day for her sake.
There is so much good that awaits us in Virginia. I just know it, I can feel it in my bones. I know that once we get settled and used to the idea of being on the east coast and so far away from our loved ones that we will be good. We will be able to breathe again. Friday afternoon we will find out if we got the house we really want to rent. It is in a great neighborhood, it's a beautiful home and it's close to "downtown" Warrenton. Who knows how much of a "downtown" there really is, but we will be within walking distance of it!
Well I am going to call my husband now and tell him goodnight, he's in Tennesee tonight and he is exhausted! He drove 800 miles today! Tomorrow he will head to North Carolina to see his 2 uncles and his cousin. I so wish we were with him. Soon enough I guess, soon enough.

Living in it....

When we moved into this house three years ago I remember saying the words "I never, ever want to move again." I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate the mess it brings. I don't do mess, I certainly do not do clutter. Right now, I am living in it. Living in a house that all around me is being packed up. Chris leaves Monday morning, my husband is moving to Virginia in 4 days. So because he will not be around to pack for the next 7 weeks he has been busting his butt to do everything he can to help. Which is great, I know and I swear that I am not trying to sound unappreciative but oh my God the mess that packing brings!! Holy cow there are boxes and dust bunnies everywhere!! I am trying to deal with it, trying oh so hard to look at the big picture. I am so looking forward to moving, I really am ready. But it's all the stuff in between that scares the crap out of me. Having Chris drive across the country by himself, living here without him for the next 7 weeks, flying across country with the girls all by myself (I am not very airplane savvy). These are the things that have been consuming me. Then when I am not thinking about these things I am worried about what it was going to be like when we get there. Will people like us? Will the girls make friends easily? Will I make friends easily? (I have always struggled with making new friends). Am I going to love it as much as I do in my head? I know it's beautiful there but what else? What else is there going to be for us besides beautiful scenery and seasons?
I am so overwhelmed. I am so lonely in my thoughts, I worry way too much and I know it. But for God's sake I am moving ACROSS the entire country!! Oh and I forgot to mention the dogs, I also have to fly with the dogs! Shut the door, how am I ever going to do this?

do you see the line that goes ACROSS the country?? That is going to be me.

The best part about this whole thing is that I feel like my kids will benefit so much from it. Not that they won't be devastated about leaving their friends and everything but when they are older, they will be so glad they had this experience. They will not have lived this sheltered life that their mom has. They will know that when life gives them lemons they just need to squeeze the hell out of them and make a big old batch of lemonade. I hope that is what they take away from this experience. They have been through a lot my girls. They have lost their grandma, their lifestyle has changed significantly and they are being yanked from everything they have ever known because they don't really have a choice. I will say that they are handling it well and they amaze me everyday. I truly feel that because I have had so much loss in my life God has made sure that I have really cool kids to get me through it. Both of the girls have their birthdays in October and so does Chris for that matter (he will turn 40 in Virginia all by himself :(, that makes me sad). They know that times are tough right now and every penny that we have is going towards the move (did I even begin to explain how expensive it is to move ACROSS the country?, I love to say that by the way) It is a flippin fortune. We are selling everything we can get our hands on, or everything that is on our hands in my case (but that is another story and not one that I am ready to tell). So anyway, I told my girls that after we have been in VA for a few weeks we will take the train from DC to NYC, it's only like a 2 1/2 hour train ride and we will celebrate our new lives and their birthdays all at once. They both have been dying to get to the Big Apple so I am sure this will more than make up for getting totally dissed on their birthdays.
Well that is all for now. I think writing about this journey is going to be so therapeutic for me, so thanks for reading!

So the journey begins....

It has finally happened, the light is finally there at the end of the tunnel for us. We are able to see it and embrace it.

Last week Chris went out to Virginia for a couple of job interviews and the first one went so well that he didn't even go to the second one. He called me and told me he loved it, that he was so happy. I could hear over the phone from 2500 miles away the relief and joy in my husbands voice. I knew that he wanted to do this. He fell in love with the area and all that it has to offer immediately. He sent me pictures like this-

He couldn't stop talking about how beautiful it was. I mean look at that, it looks like a postcard!

I was falling in love with it just through the pictures and his descriptions of everything.

The best part is that we already know people there so it isn't going to be nearly as scary as it could be. I have never lived anywhere but Southern California so having somebody there as my "comfort zone" is great. One of the people we know is one of my best friends from high school. She has lived there for 16 years and she lives about 30 miles from the new job and from where we will live. The other person is one of Chris's best friends from high school. He actually lives in Maryland, but it's very close and he works in DC so we will see him and his family all the time too.

I cannot even begin to explain how this has changed things for us, how we have been so relieved and happy to know that we have somewhere to call home soon. I have written before about how badly I have wanted to move out of this desert for so long, and the feeling has only gotten worse since my mom died. I miss her terribly and I really believe that once I am out of this house and I don't look out the back door at her casita anymore I will feel so much better. I also feel like she would be really happy for us.

I know that this journey isn't going to be all fun and excitement, I know that the kids are going to struggle, I am sure that I am going to miss my California friends and my brother and his family so much that I will cry. But I know that staying in the desert, staying in California was no longer an option for us. We so badly need a fresh start, a chance to get back on out feet and enjoy life again.

Chris will move before us, his new job wants him to start in a couple of weeks but the girls and I will stay behind for a while. A part of me really wishes we were leaving with him. I would love to just pack it all up and go but we are doing the smart thing, the responsible thing and letting him go ahead, this way I can continue working for a while longer, he can start his job at his new salary and then we can put money aside.

It's going to be hard to say goodbye, to be a single, full time working mom for a while and it will be so hard for the girls to not be with their dad but the good thing is we will be able to count the days and know that our new life is just around the corner.

I can't wait to take this journey and to document it, this is going to be a great time for our family and I just can't wait to get there!

A Little Advice.

Unsolicited advice. That is pretty much what this is. It is given out of love, frustration and a little bit of hurt feelings. What I am about to say might sound rude, it might even sound angry. It's not. I am just trying to explain myself.
When someone you know is going through something, maybe let's say their mother's death. Or maybe say a financial crisis where they are losing everything they have and have no idea what they are going to do. (These of course just examples, not anything personal). All you need to say is "man, that sucks." or "wow, I am sorry you are going through that". If these are things you have never dealt with, if you have no idea how it feels, then just keep it simple. Don't offer pity, don't try to make light of the situation and for God's sake by all means do not try to make the person see the bright side. Because when you are stuck in your own personal hell and you are two seconds away from a nervous breakdown you do not want somebody who is clearly not affected by this economy, who has absolutely no idea what it is like to bury their whole family, who still takes vacations and drives their nice cars and kids go to private schools, who can call their mom or dad and say hi, to say to you  "well, you still have your health". When this journey in our lives began and when our world started falling apart, not one time, not ever have I not been aware of the good things I have. Chris and I talk about it all the time. We are so glad that our kids are so awesome, we are amazed at how strong our marriage is, we thank God that nobody has gotten any major illnesses. And above all else we are so aware that there are so many people that have it worse than us. I am never one who thinks that my story is the saddest, that my life is the most stressful. It's not a contest. I am not trying to win. I just want people who are supposed to care about us and who are trying so hard to figure out what the right thing to say to know that you don't have to say anything. Just be there. Just ask us over for dinner, just ask if I want to have coffee one morning, ask if Chris wants to hang and play golf. Just do not try to make it better by trying to get us to see the bright side, we see the bright side, it's pretty obvious. I look into my children's faces and that is the bright side. I look at Chris and I know he's a healthy, strong, smart man who is willing to work his ass off for his family. I have no doubt that this will all get better. I know that a year from now we will be looking back saying "phew, glad that is over", but right now when we are in the thick of it, the people that just want to be there for us, who offer to help pack, who try to understand and show a little empathy for our situation those are the people that I want to spend time with. Those are the friends and family (and they are still out there and they know who they are)  that I let know what is happening, that I want kept in the loop and am comfortable sharing our story with.
I am sorry if this post offends anybody that is certainly not my intention, I know that people mean well, and I know what it is like to not be sure what to say. I just had to say something because my feelings keep getting hurt and I just felt that it was time to put it out there. I am an honest person, honest to a fault sometime and it was time that I was honest about this situation. Like I said in my last post I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with or the easiest person to live with but I am loyal and I am caring and I will tell you from the bottom of my heart when and if (God forbid) any of my friends and family go through trying times I will never try to make light of it, I promise not to make you look at the bright side. I understand that the bright side isn't what you need, it's knowing that someone is there for you.
Thanks for reading.
xoxo

The long road ahead...

We have a very, very long road ahead of us and the last couple of days it has been hitting me. I keep picturing what the next few months are going to be like. When we first started this journey and decided that we needed to sell the house and get the hell out of  Dodge I would imagine what our future would look like. I pictured us living in a great new neighborhood, making new friends, watching the kids explore our new state and learning all about it together. Never, ever not once did I picture all the crap that goes along with moving. I am not a good mover. I am not a good packer. I suck at following through on ANYTHING. I have severe ADD and most of the time leave projects about 60% done and walk away. It's how I roll. But with moving you kind of have to give it 100%. So now that we are getting closer to the time where we will be packing I am starting to panic. Starting to picture the melt downs, the arguments, the screaming, the pouting. Oh and by the way, that will all be me. All me, pouting and all. I know I am not easy to live with sometimes, I know that it must be hard for my husband and my oldest daughter Allison (who are both so far from having any kind of Attention Deficit issue that it's not even funny) to have me as the wife and mom but they are stuck with me and they have kind of learned how to handle me.
Chris is flying out next week to meet with a new company, I am not giving details yet until I know more but lets just say he will more than likely get the job. He booked his flight tonight and I was like 'oh my gosh this is really happening'. If this does indeed happen we will be living on the complete other side of the country by Christmas, or even sooner, Christmas is just kind of my timeline to be all moved in and settled. But when I say that we could be living there by Christmas I mean all of us, Chris will be leaving before us, which means that I will be left to do all the packing and moving myself. OH MY GOD. Seriously? What in the world am I going to do. Can you imagine the amount of xanax I am going to have to ingest? Can you imagine how much my children are going to hate me by the time we move?
This whole adventure has been kind of exciting but scary at the same time. I feel like we are taking a huge leap of faith. I mean there is a good chance that the girls and I are going to be moving there completely sight unseen. Never having visited. I have a good friend who lives there and she has been filling me in on lots of information and helping me with neighborhoods and schools so that for sure helps, gives me a certain level of comfort.
I look forward to sharing the rest of the story when I am able to offer more information and take you on my journey with me. Until then, I will be putting boxes together and deciding what to pack/save/toss/sell at a garage sale!

I hope they remember.

When I began writing this blog I started it for these people.

my two daughters, my nephew and my niece. They are the next generation of this small little family that I have left. They are relying on myself and my brother to fill them in on all the people and memories that came before them. I wanted them to have a place where they could come and read (if they are interested) about their family.

These four kids really love each other. They love spending time together and the whole time they are smiling. I love that. My brother Danny is my half brother, we have the same dad but not the same mom. Danny was 8 years old when my parents were married and he is now about to turn 58. So my mom was obviously a big part of his life. She lived 18 years longer than my dad and she and Danny continued to have a relationship after my dad was gone. He was a big part of her life and so were his children. She was so grateful to have him in her life and even more grateful that I had them in my life. Danny and I have been through so much together and to say he is my half brother feels as though I am lessening our relationship. We are as close if not closer than many siblings I know, whether we have the same mom or not we are  very close. I have spoken before of how much I rely on him and how much I count on his opinion. He is a little bossy with me sometimes, but it's alright with me. Sometimes I need it.

Anyway, let me get to the point here (I swear there is one) today we drove out to my nephew's high school football practice, they live about an hour away and with Allison cheering varsity high school football this year and Daniel playing we don't know when we will be able to go watch him play so we decided we should go watch a practice. We watched him out there working his butt off and I was so proud of how committed he is and how hard he works. (Us Sabella's aren't known to be the most committed or hard working). After practice and a very long, long shower for Daniel we all went to lunch. Whenever the 8 of us go to a restaurant for lunch it's almost always a production. We laugh, we share memories and we tease each other. We always have a good time. There has never, ever been an ounce of tension between any of us and we always enjoy each others company. I can't remember at what point it was said, if it was before, during or after we got our food but at some point Danny looked at me and said "you know this could be the last supper" meaning of course that this could be the last meal we have together before we move. I responded casually and just kind of said " I know, really". He is very supportive of us moving and was not at all trying to make me sad or make me feel bad. He would never do that. He truly wants us to find happiness and if that happens to be in Virginia, Texas or North Carolina he is good with that. But when we said goodbye and we got in the truck to go home I started thinking about it and how I am going to miss this so much. These kids having their cousins an hour away. The way they are so comfortable with each other and they know each other very well even though they are not growing up in the same town. I mean honestly technology has helped, they are all on facebook together and they all have cell phones and text each other frequently. But I hope they remember what it was like to be able to jump in the car in the morning and go to lunch together. I hope that when Danny and I are gone, that these four kids spend time together and make sure that they are included in each other's holiday plans and that they make an effort to get together at least a few times a year if they end up living far from each other.

When I have thought of moving, which of course is consuming pretty much most of my thoughts at the moment, I don't take these things into consideration. I don't think of how this huge decision we are making is going to effect other people. I don't mean that to sound self centered, I just mean that all of these decisions we are making have primarily been about the four of us and our relationship with each other. Today it made me think of other people. It made me think that just moving and getting a fresh start might not be as easy as I have pictured it to be. I hope that where ever we end up it is the best choice we could have made for our family and that we are very happy there, but I hope even more that we never lose what we have with those we love. Our circle is very small, we have made it even smaller in the last year or two but those whom we hold dear are extremely dear to our hearts and I am going to be sad without them but I sure hope that we all remember how special our relationship is and how much we mean to each other.

Friday Night Lights... and the first week of school.

So I couldn't wait for it. I was so anxious for school to start, to get back in our routine and feel like at least one thing in our life was moving forward.... and you know what it was good. It wasn't great, but it was good.
Being back at school, having new eager Kindergartners ready to learn and anxious to see what this new class was all about. Oh and the best part? I have an awesome new aid! Yay me! Last year I didn't have one, well cause honestly I didn't need one, cause again I only had 7 kids. This year I have 16 and will actually have 17 starting next week. I know that is still nothing compared to public schools now a days but it was a big jump from 7 to 16 so I am happy to have her. She's young, enthusiastic and ready to jump right in.
My kids also started school and they are both very happy. Like their new teachers, happy to be back with their friends, and probably a little happy to be back in a routine whether they admit it or not.

Allison's school just opened last year as a brand new high school with only freshmen and sophomore classes, this year they have juniors so that means they are going to have varsity teams. Which is very exciting, although without seniors on your varsity team it's a little tough to compete against other teams but we will see how it goes. Tonight they had their first home game, it wasn't an official game, just pre-season scrimmage but it was still really exciting and we were happy to finally have a game under the lights.

A little of this and a little of that at our first home game of the season.

The cheerleaders were definitely excited to be cheering on their Knights. The girls are doing so well and have seriously improved since last year at this time. They have a very tight bond and for the most part get along really, really well. We are so happy to have Allison be a part of this team and be the Captain. She loves it.
This town we live in is really small and word has traveled quickly about our house selling and our pending move. Which is funny cause we still have absolutely no idea where or when we are moving but at the same time it is inevitable, cause the house sold. Anyway, the coach and a couple of the girls and I were talking tonight and one of the cheerleaders said the sweetest thing ever to me. She said (with tears pooled in her eyes, which then made me tear up even before she began) "I don't want this to sound mean about the rest of the team, but I don't know what we are going to do without Alli, she is what keeps us all together, she is the one that holds us together as a team". Oh my gosh, what a compliment to my kid. It made me sad though to think of saying goodbye to this cheer team and all of these girls that I have grown to know and love so much. There are a few on the team that I would gladly take and raise (the little time of raising them that is left) them as my own. We will miss them so much. I am looking forward to spending this last football season with them though and watching them cheer on their boys under the Friday Night Lights.

So glad it's over.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for me and for both of my daughters. Allison will be starting 10th grade and Gianna will be starting 5th.
I can't believe the summer is over, I am so glad it is. In a good year I am not a fan of summer in the desert and this year it was especially lame. I hate the heat and I complain about it a lot. But it's not just the heat that makes this place so miserable in the summer. It's the lifestyle. There is nothing to do. Most of the places we are looking at to move to are also hot but at least they have a 'downtown' area and there are plenty of summertime activities. I look forward to enjoying the summer again and not dreading it.
I started this post because I have been reflecting on how super dumb our summer has been. Nice right? Good attitude right? Well whatever, it was dumb and I am calling it what it was.
The summer began with my mom's death and everything that went along with it. That was not the best way to kick off the summer for sure. It kind of put a downer mood on the whole season. I still can't believe she has been gone for a whole summer. Still find it hard to believe that I haven't heard her voice or seen her face in over 3 months. That is crazy to me. I have missed her every single day and  have shed many tears. It is going to take a lot longer than one summer to get over losing my mom.
About 4 weeks after my mom died we were dealt the whole pay cut blow for Chris. We were hit with the enormity of it while we were out of town for the fourth of July. That was the very last time we were able to get out of the heat for more than 9 hours all summer. The rest of the summer has been spent trying to deal with everything.
We put our home on the market on August 5th. One month after we found out about the pay cut, it only took 1 month for it to hit us and for us to not be able to keep our home any longer. Twenty one days after we listed the house it sold. We have spent the last 4 days in kind of a fog realizing that time is going to fly and we need to have some kind of plan in place. Thinking that somebody else is going to be living in this house soon and we are going to have to find a place to live.
I will say that the good news about this whole situation is that the summer flew by. It went so quickly and that is really nice. It's like ripping a band aid off. I knew it was going to hurt going into it but before I knew it, the whole thing was over.
I am so looking forward to the fall. I am not a big football fan but I love football season and all that it brings. I love the weather, the sound of a game on t.v while I cook dinner. The way people come together to watch a game. I am hoping that where ever we end up it will be some where that has a college and professional team nearby, I want to live in a place where they get real excited to watch "their" team play. Where their is a sense of pride and camraderie.
 I also can't wait for Halloween. My kids are both a little too old for it but I can't wait to decorate the house and do fun art projects with my class. I have already bought a Halloween magazine filled with recipes and art projects. I am hoping to be able to take my class on a field trip to the semi local apple orchards and pick some apples. Doesn't that sound like fall fun?
Well it's getting late and tomorrow I have to be up bright and early so that I can be ready to see those 16 shiny little faces waiting for their first day of Kindergarten. I wonder if they will be as happy as I am that summer is over.

Going Country

Well today was kind of a big day around here. Yesterday we had 2 offers on the house. One of them was full price, no contingencies and they have a pre-approval letter and 20% cash down. So we are thinking this is probably a no brainer for the bank to accept. So we took this offer as our primary offer and the other offer which was made by good friends of ours as the back up offer. So pretty much the house is sold. It is a short sale though and it could take anywhere from 90 to 120 days so we will be here for a while. But we all know how fast 3 or 4 months flies by and before we know it we will be starting our new life. Hmm, our new life. Here's the thing, we have NO IDEA where we are going. I don't know why but I really, really want to go country. I really am focusing on Texas, Tennessee or North Carolina. For some reason the lifestyle and people in the south really, really appeal to me. Which brings me to one of the things I wanted to write about tonight. I am an avid reader. Always have been, wrote fan letters to Judy Blume as a kid, dreamed of being Beverly Cleary's grand daughter. Yes I idolized authors the way our kids today idolize the newest pop sensation. Anyway, right now I am reading a book by Jane Porter. I have read a few of her books and have always really liked  them. You might even say I am a "fan" of hers. The book I am reading now is "She's Gone Country" my bloggy/facebook friend Stephanie reviews books and had this one on her website and I thought 'hmm that sounds like it is right up my alley since I am also trying to Go Country. It has been one of those books that as soon as I start reading it I can't put it down, as a matter of fact I am rushing through this post so that I can read the book. So yesterday I was reading away and I came to this paragraph on page 41, which as we all know because I talk about it all the time is my age... weird anyway, this is what it said-
"The past once hurt so much. The present is a mess, and I can't even see a future.
Can't even imagine where we're supposed to go from here."
Oh my gosh that is my life, right there in 3 sentences it sums up exactly how I feel right now. And here is the other thing, the lead character in the book just moved to TEXAS!! The only thing is that she was actually from there in the first place. But reading this book and picturing the story she is telling is making me want to move there even more. The state fair, the sense of community, the live music of Austin, the idea of living in a state where they have so much pride in their state and in their country. I love that. I hope and pray every day that this is going to happen for us. That this is where we will end up, if not Texas than North Carolina or Tennessee, they all sound equally great. I just want to go country so badly.
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No Regrets... or so I thought.

No Regrets. That has been the theme of my life for a long time. I never wanted to do or say something that I might regret later. It all started when my dad's side of the family and my mom and I started having some issues after my dad died. I had to make decisions at that time in my life and some of them were really difficult. I knew back then at the tender age of 23 that I didn't want to live to regret the way that I treated someone, in this case it was my dad's twin brother and I knew that no matter what happened if I made the right choice, the Italian (family first, no matter what) choice that I wouldn't regret it later. And I was right. My Uncle passed away 10 years after my dad I for sure had no regrets. I knew that I had handled the situation the right way and that my dad and my grandparents would have been proud.
After that I just have always kind of had in the back of my mind that you never know how short life is and you should always do/say what you really feel so that no matter what happens you will not regret it later.
Let me clarify something here before I go on. When I use the term "no regrets" I certainly do not mean it in an adventurous, live life to it's fullest, never let an opportunity pass you by kind of way, I am not that person. I am so not adventurous or risk taking. I just mean stay true to yourself, treat people the way you want to be treated and if you are not happy in a situation change it. Period.
Anyway, when my mom came to live with us and her health started to deteriorate I again had the 'no regrets' thing in the back of my mind always. We argued, we yelled and we cried but I knew that for the rest of my life I would never regret any of it because it was so important that we were getting this time together.
Tonight Gianna and I have been staying out in the casita, where my mom lived for 2 years and 8 months. I have slept out there a few times since my mom died and my daughters have had several sleepovers out there but tonight something hit me. Tonight I felt closed in, lonely and uncomfortable. It's a nice space, kind of like a very small apartment, living room, little kitchenette area, wide hallway, bathroom and a bedroom. But still I felt so closed in. I felt so lonely. I knew that Chris and Allison were inside the big house and how much more comfortable and air-y it is in there. I looked at Gianna and said "I have to go in the house right now".
This is where the regretting starts. I almost can't even type what I am about to say, it brings tears to my eyes to even think about it.
Over the last couple years my mom's biggest complaint was how lonely she was. How isolated she felt out there. She would tell me, Chris and the kids that she wished we would come out there more to see her. She was on oxygen and sometimes it just wasn't that easy for her to get around. There were days and days that would go by that I wouldn't even see her. She lived here in my home and I wouldn't see her. And now she's gone. Oh my God that hit me so hard tonight. Made me wish so bad that I could go back and change it. Made me realize why I have tried so hard to live my life without regrets. Because when you regret something it hurts. It's an awful feeling. When you have regrets and that person is no longer here for you to apologize to it's that much worse. I hope that the day comes when I can tell this story or read this post without this giant lump in my throat. I hope that at some point I will feel like she forgave me for it and understood that I was busy. I just wish I could say 'I am so sorry mom, I love you.'

What tomorrow will bring...

One year ago this week I was at work and my daugther Allison called me. She was home alone and was calling to inform me that the tow truck driver was there to pick up my car. Allison was 13 years old, two weeks away from starting high school and she was letting me know that she had worked side by side with the repo guy to take all my cds and stuff out of my car. She knew why he was there, she knew what was happening and she told me about it as though she was just letting me know what was going on. No panic in her voice, no sorrow, embarassment or weakness. Just a fact. She had just watched my car get anchored onto the tow truck and drive away. I, on the other hand was at work bawling. I was crying because I was panicked, sad and embarassed. Horrified that my car was being picked up for all the neighbors to see, so devastated that we were beginning to lose tangible things. I know now it really wasn't that big of a deal and things were about to get A LOT worse before they got better. I look back and think 'eh, I didn't like that car much anyway. For the next 10 months or so we worked our butts off to make sure that no matter what happened we saved our house. We did everything to make sure that in the end our children had the home they loved, my mom would be comfortable in her casita and that we would have the comfort of knowing that we were strong enough to keep our home. Two weeks ago tomorrow we met with a real estate agent to put our house on the market for short sale. We have invested everything we ever had into this home. We did everything we could to keep it but now we are losing it.
Last December I found out that I had a brother. I learned that my mother had a son with her first husband and didn't tell me. Kept a secret from me my whole life. She had to leave her son with her ex husband and go on with her life as if it had never happened. Kept her secret from me, my brothers Mike and Danny and many, many others. Lived her life with a hole in her heart because she didn't know what we would do or say if we found out she had done such a thing. She never knew that I would love her, respect her and understand her like never before. She didn't know that the very next day I would start searching for my brother, find him and get to know him and have a wonderful relationship with him.
Three years ago my mom was told she was dying. She was told that she had end stage lung disease and that she only had a very short time to live. She came home and prepared to die. We called her friends, her family and we waited. We waited and waited and still she lived. She felt better. She kept on going and plugging along as if those doctors were crazy. Two years and 11 months later she finally started to die. She proved that doctors also never know what tomorrow will bring in spite of all of the research and knowledge. She passed away May 18th 2010 almost exactly 3 years after they gave her the grim prognosis. In those almost 3 years our lives changed significantly and she helped me through so much. Our relationship grew and we became closer than ever. Thank God the doctors were wrong.
When my mom died in May I started really making my plea to move. My husbands job that he had started about 9 months before was not turning out to be all that we had hoped for. I saw the stress in his eyes and the heartbreak in his face. I knew that he had set his hopes high and that every day he was a bit more and more dissapointed. I started bringing up the idea of moving to Orange County. Two hours away from where we live now and home to almost all of my very closest friends and some of my family. A veritable safety net for me. The place where I always wanted to go back to. In the last 3 or 4 weeks we have started to broaden our view and change our ideas of what a good place to live might be. Right now as I type my husband is downstairs on the phone talking to a guy in North Carolina about a job. Yesterday he spoke to a guy in New Jersey and another one in Missouri. I have no idea where we will end up. I know that no matter where it is that things are going to be better for us. I know in my heart that we have had all we can handle for a while. I know that our perspective on life has changed considerably and that we are more ready for change than ever. I also know that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring... We will remain hopeful in spite of this crazy year we have had and we will remain strong. Our family is closer than ever and we are ready for the next chapter. Someday we will look back on this time in our lives as a blip on the radar. It will be the the time in our lives that my girls will refer to when they are speaking to their own kids when they say things like "oh, you think you have it so bad, when I was a kid we _________________" and they will fill in the blank with whatever story that they remember. It has been character building, heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. We have found new family, and we have learned all about staycations and how to make the most out of a crappy situation. We have learned who our true friends are and which family members really care and worry about us. As hard as it has been I am glad that it has happened in a way. We have learned a lesson that we will never forget and hopefully our kids have learned one too. Hopefully when they start making a good income and the money seems like it will always be there they will remember to save it and their childhood memories will keep them in check.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

Random Weekend Stuff

So there it went... another glorious 48 hours of pure bliss. How I love the weekends. Even when we don't do anything I love them.
This weekend we just hung out around the house. I tried my hand at some southern faire. I attempted Paula Deen's chicken fried steak. Let me just say that I am clearly not a chicken fried steak kinda girl. I mean I guess it was good. The family like it but not me. My Dad may have rolled over in his grave a little when I made it too.
A real estate agent showed the house on Sunday. So of course that meant we had to leave for a while. We went to lunch and bowling as a family. That was nice.
We talked about moving. We dreamt about places to live. New neighborhoods. Seasons. Well maybe I was the only one dreaming about seasons, my poor kids only know two seasons. Warm and then summer. Warm is the season for spring, winter and fall around here. I mean sure sometimes it gets a little chilly in the winter but seriously when it is this hot it is so hard to remember why I even own long sleeves or pants. I am so looking forward to having 4 real seasons where ever we should end up.
I don't know why but I am so drawn to the south. I am so wanting to end up in Tennesee, North Carolina and I am even opening my mind to Austin Texas. At this point so many people have suggested Austin that I can't help but think it's a sign. I have to say researching it on the internet makes it look pretty awesome. One of the families at school is getting ready to move there and they are so excited it really is a little contagious.
I think one of the reasons I am so attracted to the south is almost all of my favorite movies were based in the south. The Blind Side. Hope Floats. A Time to Kill (featuring my ex-boyfriend Matthew McConaughey).

I mean my God look at him. He's from Texas, things have to be good there right?

Forrest Gump. All great movies, all southern. It just seems like time moves a little slower there. Like people are friendlier and whenever they show the neighborhoods on HGTV House Hunters everything looks more spread out. Here in California the houses are on top of each other and in our neighborhood people don't even hang out with each other.
I just want a fresh start so badly for all of us. I want Chris to find a job he loves where he is so appreciated for his tremendous talent. I want the kids to find schools that they love so that they don't miss their friends and schools here as much, because I realize how hard this is going to be on them and I know they will miss it but I just want to soften the blow. I want to find a new comfort zone for me. I want to wake up every morning knowing that things are getting better and that we are going to be okay. Right now I wake up every morning praying for this. Praying that today will be the day that something good happens. It has been such a stressful time for us in these last two years that I know it has to get better. I know that there is a bigger better plan for us and by God I am ready. I even am looking forward to picking up a new accent! Tonight we went to a barbecue place for dinner and on the way home Chris, Allison and I kind of worked on that. Chris has his down for sure he'll be fitting in in no time. Allison and I are going to take some work. I am sure Gianna will be fine too she picks up on accents pretty quick with her acting so she will be all over the lingo.
So with that I say-Y'all come back soon and I will be sure to have some good news for ya. (see I told you I need to work on it)
xoxo
Nina

Oh What a Party...

Yes, I had a party. I know some of you may be wondering where your invitation is, why in the world you weren't invited. Well I didn't invite anyone-this was a one person, hardcore sniveling, runny nose, sobbing out loud pity party.
My soiree began last night at around 6 pm, right after my husband left to go bowling and it went on for 4 1/2 hours until I finally took a sleeping pill and knocked myself out. I don't know how it got started or why I couldn't pull myself together but it was bad. I actually felt hungover this morning from crying so much. I think that I just became overwhelmed with everything all at once. The enormity of what we are going through, of the change that we will inevitably have to make, the idea of packing up this house that we worked so hard for. The idea of taking my kids out of their schools and moving only God knows where. Starting all over again. Being renters for the first time in 12 years. Chris and I both having to find new jobs. Hoping that where ever we end up that we have made the right decision for all of us. All of it is so very overwhelming. So much so that I haven't really had time to think about my mom. I haven't had time to miss her, to mourn her. My world started crashing down 4 1/2 weeks after she died and since then I have been consumed with trying to figure out what we are going to do. I just missed her so much last night that I got that aching pain in my chest. I needed her, I needed her support and encouragement.
The party very easily could have continued today. It's not as if I woke up today all sunshine and roses. Cause let me tell you I didn't. I woke up groggy, sad and quite honestly a little pissed off. But I had to suck it up and go to work. Which I guess was a good thing because nobody likes a Debbie Downer. My husband and my kids deserve more, the kids at school deserve more. My family needs a strong mom and wife to keep things together around here. Chris needs a wife that can support him as he totally puts himself out there. I know it's a vulnerable position for him to be in. I can't imagine the pressure that he feels with the well being of a family of four on his shoulders. How he must stress every day knowing that our future is in his hands. I am doing everything I can to be there for him, to reassure him and just love him.
The logical, rational side of me knows that this will be over soon. I realize that it won't go on forever. But the emotional, thoughtful, sentimental side is a frickin disaster. I just want it to be December already (in my mind that is when I see everything coming together, I have no idea why). I want to be past all of this yuck and I want the stinking party to be over already!

The Big Splurge and a couple of sidenotes.

Yesterday morning (well it wasn't really morning because I didn't even get out of bed til 10:00 am) my girls and I ran to Target, you know not really for anything specific but just to check things out, get a Starbucks and walk around. While we were there I received a phone call. The first realtor phone call. You know the one, where they want to show your house. As I was talking to the agent Gianna and Allison were standing there listening and watching me and suddenly Gianna dropped her cup, like let it fall from her hand and she said "I don't want them to show my house, I don't want to move". I told the agent it was fine, that they could show it and that we would not be home. So knowing that Gianna was super uncomfortable with this whole thing I said "let's go home, get ready and drive to downtown Disney to have dinner" Disneyland is in Anaheim, we live in the desert, it's about a 2 hours drive, not something we would normally do so spontaneously on a Sunday afternoon but I knew it was probably the best thing for us. We came home got the house all staged and I took a shower and got ready and we got in Chris's big truck (he was using my car for the weekend on his trip to Monterey for his HS reunion) and hit the road. First let me be clear, the truck? way too big for me. Totally makes me uncomfortable to drive it and to park it is an even bigger nightmare, which always leads to fits of laughter from the kids because they think it's hysterical when I behave as though I am driving a big rig. But I did it. I drove that big 'ol thing all the way to Anaheim. Thank God that there wasn't much traffic.
Once we arrived at the Happiest Place on Earth, or at least it's free counterpart known as Downtown Disney I knew that we would have to go into one of the parks. I knew that I wasn't going to be satisfied if we didn't get to ride a few rides and have some fun. We decided to splurge. We had absolutely no business spending the money to go to California Adventure but I decided I didn't care. We have had a rough 3 months and we were going to do it anyway. I knew it was irresponsible but oh well. You only live once right? I am so glad we did. We had so much fun. Just me and my girls. We rode a few rides, got completely drenched on Roaring Rapids and had a great dinner and laughed ourselves silly at dinner. It was so good for us. Gianna kept thanking me and telling me how happy she was. It felt good. It felt like old times when we were able to just be spontaneous before things started going to Hell in a hand basket.
Oh my gosh, then when we were all done we headed out to the parking lot to leave. As we walked toward the truck we noticed another large truck and it was parked directly behind me. Oh how I wish I would have taken pictures because telling this story is not going to do it justice but I will try anyway. So I mentioned how I am not the best park-er, well I am really, really bad at pulling out of the parking spot too. Backing that bad boy up is so daunting to me and when I sit in the driver's seat and look in the rear view mirror at the bed I swear to you it looks like it is 40 feet long. As soon as I got in and saw that big, lifted, painted flame truck in the spot directly behind me I knew it wasn't going to happen, I knew there was no way this lady was getting us out of there. So Allison went and got the police. Yes, the police had to help us back the truck out of the parking spot. Not kidding, and the best part was that it was difficult for them too. One of them even said a few times "I can't do this, there is no way I can do this". I don't know why this part made me so happy but it did. I was so glad that I wasn't just being dramatic or playing damsel in distress, it really wasn't easy to do. After about 10 minutes and a security guards intervention (so that makes two cops a security guard, me and the kids all working together to get one truck out of a parking spot) we finally got it! We drove home safely and were in bed before 11:00. What a great day.
A couple of other really great things happened in the last week. One of my very best friends since I was 13 became a grandma. It wasn't something that was planned and my girlfriend wasn't prepared to take that walk into grandma-hood but it has turned out to be amazing. I am so excited for her and her daughter both. I can't wait to meet the baby and hopefully it will happen soon. I have seen pictures and she is beautiful.
The other awesome thing was one of my facebook friends adopted a baby girl. It isn't official for another hour and half, they are literally counting down right now I am sure. I don't know the whole story, we have been inbox messaging about it for the last few days and I am so happy for her.
I love baby news. I love hearing about a new life being brought into this world. It makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.
xoxo

Bittersweet.

Today we did it. We put the house on the market. We did it because we had to, not because we were ready to or because Chris has some great job offer and we know where we are going. I would like to say more, I would like to tell the whole story, believe me there is so much more to tell and so much more detail to go into but I can't. My poor husband is so private, he never tells anybody anything and then he married me. I have the biggest mouth in the world. I mean for God's sake I started a flippin blog so that I could tell my story! I think that I see every opportunity to tell my story as a chance to network, like as in 'well maybe if I tell everybody what is going on then a wonderful job opportunity will come of it'. Or... 'if I tell people the story about how my whole family died somebody will have had the same thing happen to them and then we can be friends and bond over it.' I am not kidding that is how I think. Is it crazy? Why do I have this need to share everything?
While I am going to refrain from going into detail about our situation I will say that I am trying my hardest to look at this is in a positive light. I am trying to see this as our new adventure. We are going to have to find somewhere to live right? Maybe it will be in my dream place (not even sure where that even is anymore) and it will be our dream neighborhood and we will find so much happiness and joy there. I am trying to practice "The Secret" I am going to try reading the book again and try actually going through the motions of "putting it out there". Letting the universe know that I am ready. So ready for a change and ready for stability, happiness and peace.
As this adventure goes on and as all the good things begin to happen for us I will keep you posted and then, and only then (I am saying this in case the husband is reading) will I tell the whole story. I really do think that someday I will need to write a book. Because I am not kidding you I know I have spilled it on here but I promise I have not even begun to touch on the crazy that is my life. Things I have to tell are things that make people say "Oh my gosh your life is a Dr. Phil series of episodes" notice how I didn't just say one episode, we are talking 3 part series. Anyway once I have people's permission or once the people in question are no longer with us (In this part I am NOT referring to my husband) I will tell my whole story. Until then I will have to remain cryptic and mysterious... just kidding not really that mysterious.