I have written about being lonely before. I have felt lonely often. I have created a very lonely world for myself and I really, truly have no one to blame but myself. I know this and yet here I sit thinking 'holy crap this sucks, I hate being so lonely'.
When our family began going through the financial crisis that we have been enduring over the last three years I pushed many people away. I isolated myself because I felt that our situation made friends and some family members uncomfortable. I felt that they didn't know what to say, that they might think we were going to ask them for money (which for the record we have not asked anyone for money or any kind of help, so nobody needs to be worried about being hit up). I made these decisions for our family and they weren't easy, they weren't taken lightly. When my mom died 5 months ago I started to REALLY feel the consequences of what I had done, really understanding how serious my decision was. I realized that my phone still wasn't ringing, that nobody was really here to help me through it. I was the one to blame, not them. I knew I had done it. I had hurt people's feelings by pushing them away, by turning down their offers of dinner or being in their bunco group. But I just didn't want to do it, I didn't want to be a part of their world. I wanted to be alone with my family.
So here we are 3 years into it, things are starting to turn around for us finally. Chris has an awesome new job and he loves it. The money is so much better, the situation is wonderful and he sounds happier than I have heard him in years. But here I am. So flippin lonely I want to scream. Chris's job is 3,000 miles away. My husband now lives in Virginia and here I sit in California. I know it's only temporary and I know the time will fly but I will tell you that right now, in this minute the time is crawling by and it feels as if November 19th will never, ever get here.
The good thing is I have two amazing daughters who are getting me through this every day. Two girls that miss their daddy so much that they cry right along with me almost every day. We are trying our hardest to not be sad and to not miss him but it seems impossible.
Before anybody says anything like "well it could be worse" Let me just say, I know it could be worse. I am well aware of how lucky we are to have such a strong family and a strong marriage. I have been thinking about other women I know tonight who have been through so much worse and they survived. I was thinking of my lifelong friend Deanna who lost her husband 7 years ago and has been raising her 4 kids by herself. I think of how amazing she is for doing such an incredible job. I think about my mom losing my dad at 56 years old, how she must have felt like she had so much time ahead of her to be alone. I remember how lonely she was and how hard it was for her. I remember that I didn't do much to make it better either. I have a friend on facebook whose husband travels for a living and she has 3 kids and works full time and she does it by herself all the time, I know she must be lonely and I know it has to be hard, but by God she does it and her kids seem to be doing just fine. It's these women that are getting me through this. It's knowing that if they can do it I can too.
Tonight both of my girls are gone and I have been sitting here by myself throwing a pity party. I keep thinking about how much better it is going to be when we get to Virginia and we are all together. I keep envisioning how we are all going to be living in a different house, the girls are going to new schools, making new friends. It all makes me smile and helps to make me feel a little less lonely. I hope that tonight when I go to bed that I dream about our new life. I am so ready for it to begin.