Thursday, September 30, 2010

Living in it....

When we moved into this house three years ago I remember saying the words "I never, ever want to move again." I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate the mess it brings. I don't do mess, I certainly do not do clutter. Right now, I am living in it. Living in a house that all around me is being packed up. Chris leaves Monday morning, my husband is moving to Virginia in 4 days. So because he will not be around to pack for the next 7 weeks he has been busting his butt to do everything he can to help. Which is great, I know and I swear that I am not trying to sound unappreciative but oh my God the mess that packing brings!! Holy cow there are boxes and dust bunnies everywhere!! I am trying to deal with it, trying oh so hard to look at the big picture. I am so looking forward to moving, I really am ready. But it's all the stuff in between that scares the crap out of me. Having Chris drive across the country by himself, living here without him for the next 7 weeks, flying across country with the girls all by myself (I am not very airplane savvy). These are the things that have been consuming me. Then when I am not thinking about these things I am worried about what it was going to be like when we get there. Will people like us? Will the girls make friends easily? Will I make friends easily? (I have always struggled with making new friends). Am I going to love it as much as I do in my head? I know it's beautiful there but what else? What else is there going to be for us besides beautiful scenery and seasons?
I am so overwhelmed. I am so lonely in my thoughts, I worry way too much and I know it. But for God's sake I am moving ACROSS the entire country!! Oh and I forgot to mention the dogs, I also have to fly with the dogs! Shut the door, how am I ever going to do this?

do you see the line that goes ACROSS the country?? That is going to be me.
The best part about this whole thing is that I feel like my kids will benefit so much from it. Not that they won't be devastated about leaving their friends and everything but when they are older, they will be so glad they had this experience. They will not have lived this sheltered life that their mom has. They will know that when life gives them lemons they just need to squeeze the hell out of them and make a big old batch of lemonade. I hope that is what they take away from this experience. They have been through a lot my girls. They have lost their grandma, their lifestyle has changed significantly and they are being yanked from everything they have ever known because they don't really have a choice. I will say that they are handling it well and they amaze me everyday. I truly feel that because I have had so much loss in my life God has made sure that I have really cool kids to get me through it. Both of the girls have their birthdays in October and so does Chris for that matter (he will turn 40 in Virginia all by himself :(, that makes me sad). They know that times are tough right now and every penny that we have is going towards the move (did I even begin to explain how expensive it is to move ACROSS the country?, I love to say that by the way) It is a flippin fortune. We are selling everything we can get our hands on, or everything that is on our hands in my case (but that is another story and not one that I am ready to tell). So anyway, I told my girls that after we have been in VA for a few weeks we will take the train from DC to NYC, it's only like a 2 1/2 hour train ride and we will celebrate our new lives and their birthdays all at once. They both have been dying to get to the Big Apple so I am sure this will more than make up for getting totally dissed on their birthdays.
Well that is all for now. I think writing about this journey is going to be so therapeutic for me, so thanks for reading!

Monday, September 20, 2010

So the journey begins....

It has finally happened, the light is finally there at the end of the tunnel for us. We are able to see it and embrace it.
Last week Chris went out to Virginia for a couple of job interviews and the first one went so well that he didn't even go to the second one. He called me and told me he loved it, that he was so happy. I could hear over the phone from 2500 miles away the relief and joy in my husbands voice. I knew that he wanted to do this. He fell in love with the area and all that it has to offer immediately. He sent me pictures like this-
He couldn't stop talking about how beautiful it was. I mean look at that, it looks like a postcard!
I was falling in love with it just through the pictures and his descriptions of everything.
The best part is that we already know people there so it isn't going to be nearly as scary as it could be. I have never lived anywhere but Southern California so having somebody there as my "comfort zone" is great. One of the people we know is one of my best friends from high school. She has lived there for 16 years and she lives about 30 miles from the new job and from where we will live. The other person is one of Chris's best friends from high school. He actually lives in Maryland, but it's very close and he works in DC so we will see him and his family all the time too.
I cannot even begin to explain how this has changed things for us, how we have been so relieved and happy to know that we have somewhere to call home soon. I have written before about how badly I have wanted to move out of this desert for so long, and the feeling has only gotten worse since my mom died. I miss her terribly and I really believe that once I am out of this house and I don't look out the back door at her casita anymore I will feel so much better. I also feel like she would be really happy for us.
I know that this journey isn't going to be all fun and excitement, I know that the kids are going to struggle, I am sure that I am going to miss my California friends and my brother and his family so much that I will cry. But I know that staying in the desert, staying in California was no longer an option for us. We so badly need a fresh start, a chance to get back on out feet and enjoy life again.
Chris will move before us, his new job wants him to start in a couple of weeks but the girls and I will stay behind for a while. A part of me really wishes we were leaving with him. I would love to just pack it all up and go but we are doing the smart thing, the responsible thing and letting him go ahead, this way I can continue working for a while longer, he can start his job at his new salary and then we can put money aside.
It's going to be hard to say goodbye, to be a single, full time working mom for a while and it will be so hard for the girls to not be with their dad but the good thing is we will be able to count the days and know that our new life is just around the corner.
I can't wait to take this journey and to document it, this is going to be a great time for our family and I just can't wait to get there!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Little Advice.

Unsolicited advice. That is pretty much what this is. It is given out of love, frustration and a little bit of hurt feelings. What I am about to say might sound rude, it might even sound angry. It's not. I am just trying to explain myself.
When someone you know is going through something, maybe let's say their mother's death. Or maybe say a financial crisis where they are losing everything they have and have no idea what they are going to do. (These of course just examples, not anything personal). All you need to say is "man, that sucks." or "wow, I am sorry you are going through that". If these are things you have never dealt with, if you have no idea how it feels, then just keep it simple. Don't offer pity, don't try to make light of the situation and for God's sake by all means do not try to make the person see the bright side. Because when you are stuck in your own personal hell and you are two seconds away from a nervous breakdown you do not want somebody who is clearly not affected by this economy, who has absolutely no idea what it is like to bury their whole family, who still takes vacations and drives their nice cars and kids go to private schools, who can call their mom or dad and say hi, to say to you  "well, you still have your health". When this journey in our lives began and when our world started falling apart, not one time, not ever have I not been aware of the good things I have. Chris and I talk about it all the time. We are so glad that our kids are so awesome, we are amazed at how strong our marriage is, we thank God that nobody has gotten any major illnesses. And above all else we are so aware that there are so many people that have it worse than us. I am never one who thinks that my story is the saddest, that my life is the most stressful. It's not a contest. I am not trying to win. I just want people who are supposed to care about us and who are trying so hard to figure out what the right thing to say to know that you don't have to say anything. Just be there. Just ask us over for dinner, just ask if I want to have coffee one morning, ask if Chris wants to hang and play golf. Just do not try to make it better by trying to get us to see the bright side, we see the bright side, it's pretty obvious. I look into my children's faces and that is the bright side. I look at Chris and I know he's a healthy, strong, smart man who is willing to work his ass off for his family. I have no doubt that this will all get better. I know that a year from now we will be looking back saying "phew, glad that is over", but right now when we are in the thick of it, the people that just want to be there for us, who offer to help pack, who try to understand and show a little empathy for our situation those are the people that I want to spend time with. Those are the friends and family (and they are still out there and they know who they are)  that I let know what is happening, that I want kept in the loop and am comfortable sharing our story with.
I am sorry if this post offends anybody that is certainly not my intention, I know that people mean well, and I know what it is like to not be sure what to say. I just had to say something because my feelings keep getting hurt and I just felt that it was time to put it out there. I am an honest person, honest to a fault sometime and it was time that I was honest about this situation. Like I said in my last post I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with or the easiest person to live with but I am loyal and I am caring and I will tell you from the bottom of my heart when and if (God forbid) any of my friends and family go through trying times I will never try to make light of it, I promise not to make you look at the bright side. I understand that the bright side isn't what you need, it's knowing that someone is there for you.
Thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The long road ahead...

We have a very, very long road ahead of us and the last couple of days it has been hitting me. I keep picturing what the next few months are going to be like. When we first started this journey and decided that we needed to sell the house and get the hell out of  Dodge I would imagine what our future would look like. I pictured us living in a great new neighborhood, making new friends, watching the kids explore our new state and learning all about it together. Never, ever not once did I picture all the crap that goes along with moving. I am not a good mover. I am not a good packer. I suck at following through on ANYTHING. I have severe ADD and most of the time leave projects about 60% done and walk away. It's how I roll. But with moving you kind of have to give it 100%. So now that we are getting closer to the time where we will be packing I am starting to panic. Starting to picture the melt downs, the arguments, the screaming, the pouting. Oh and by the way, that will all be me. All me, pouting and all. I know I am not easy to live with sometimes, I know that it must be hard for my husband and my oldest daughter Allison (who are both so far from having any kind of Attention Deficit issue that it's not even funny) to have me as the wife and mom but they are stuck with me and they have kind of learned how to handle me.
Chris is flying out next week to meet with a new company, I am not giving details yet until I know more but lets just say he will more than likely get the job. He booked his flight tonight and I was like 'oh my gosh this is really happening'. If this does indeed happen we will be living on the complete other side of the country by Christmas, or even sooner, Christmas is just kind of my timeline to be all moved in and settled. But when I say that we could be living there by Christmas I mean all of us, Chris will be leaving before us, which means that I will be left to do all the packing and moving myself. OH MY GOD. Seriously? What in the world am I going to do. Can you imagine the amount of xanax I am going to have to ingest? Can you imagine how much my children are going to hate me by the time we move?
This whole adventure has been kind of exciting but scary at the same time. I feel like we are taking a huge leap of faith. I mean there is a good chance that the girls and I are going to be moving there completely sight unseen. Never having visited. I have a good friend who lives there and she has been filling me in on lots of information and helping me with neighborhoods and schools so that for sure helps, gives me a certain level of comfort.
I look forward to sharing the rest of the story when I am able to offer more information and take you on my journey with me. Until then, I will be putting boxes together and deciding what to pack/save/toss/sell at a garage sale!

Monday, September 6, 2010

I hope they remember.

When I began writing this blog I started it for these people.
my two daughters, my nephew and my niece. They are the next generation of this small little family that I have left. They are relying on myself and my brother to fill them in on all the people and memories that came before them. I wanted them to have a place where they could come and read (if they are interested) about their family.
These four kids really love each other. They love spending time together and the whole time they are smiling. I love that. My brother Danny is my half brother, we have the same dad but not the same mom. Danny was 8 years old when my parents were married and he is now about to turn 58. So my mom was obviously a big part of his life. She lived 18 years longer than my dad and she and Danny continued to have a relationship after my dad was gone. He was a big part of her life and so were his children. She was so grateful to have him in her life and even more grateful that I had them in my life. Danny and I have been through so much together and to say he is my half brother feels as though I am lessening our relationship. We are as close if not closer than many siblings I know, whether we have the same mom or not we are  very close. I have spoken before of how much I rely on him and how much I count on his opinion. He is a little bossy with me sometimes, but it's alright with me. Sometimes I need it.
Anyway, let me get to the point here (I swear there is one) today we drove out to my nephew's high school football practice, they live about an hour away and with Allison cheering varsity high school football this year and Daniel playing we don't know when we will be able to go watch him play so we decided we should go watch a practice. We watched him out there working his butt off and I was so proud of how committed he is and how hard he works. (Us Sabella's aren't known to be the most committed or hard working). After practice and a very long, long shower for Daniel we all went to lunch. Whenever the 8 of us go to a restaurant for lunch it's almost always a production. We laugh, we share memories and we tease each other. We always have a good time. There has never, ever been an ounce of tension between any of us and we always enjoy each others company. I can't remember at what point it was said, if it was before, during or after we got our food but at some point Danny looked at me and said "you know this could be the last supper" meaning of course that this could be the last meal we have together before we move. I responded casually and just kind of said " I know, really". He is very supportive of us moving and was not at all trying to make me sad or make me feel bad. He would never do that. He truly wants us to find happiness and if that happens to be in Virginia, Texas or North Carolina he is good with that. But when we said goodbye and we got in the truck to go home I started thinking about it and how I am going to miss this so much. These kids having their cousins an hour away. The way they are so comfortable with each other and they know each other very well even though they are not growing up in the same town. I mean honestly technology has helped, they are all on facebook together and they all have cell phones and text each other frequently. But I hope they remember what it was like to be able to jump in the car in the morning and go to lunch together. I hope that when Danny and I are gone, that these four kids spend time together and make sure that they are included in each other's holiday plans and that they make an effort to get together at least a few times a year if they end up living far from each other.
When I have thought of moving, which of course is consuming pretty much most of my thoughts at the moment, I don't take these things into consideration. I don't think of how this huge decision we are making is going to effect other people. I don't mean that to sound self centered, I just mean that all of these decisions we are making have primarily been about the four of us and our relationship with each other. Today it made me think of other people. It made me think that just moving and getting a fresh start might not be as easy as I have pictured it to be. I hope that where ever we end up it is the best choice we could have made for our family and that we are very happy there, but I hope even more that we never lose what we have with those we love. Our circle is very small, we have made it even smaller in the last year or two but those whom we hold dear are extremely dear to our hearts and I am going to be sad without them but I sure hope that we all remember how special our relationship is and how much we mean to each other.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Friday Night Lights... and the first week of school.

So I couldn't wait for it. I was so anxious for school to start, to get back in our routine and feel like at least one thing in our life was moving forward.... and you know what it was good. It wasn't great, but it was good.
Being back at school, having new eager Kindergartners ready to learn and anxious to see what this new class was all about. Oh and the best part? I have an awesome new aid! Yay me! Last year I didn't have one, well cause honestly I didn't need one, cause again I only had 7 kids. This year I have 16 and will actually have 17 starting next week. I know that is still nothing compared to public schools now a days but it was a big jump from 7 to 16 so I am happy to have her. She's young, enthusiastic and ready to jump right in.
My kids also started school and they are both very happy. Like their new teachers, happy to be back with their friends, and probably a little happy to be back in a routine whether they admit it or not.
Allison's school just opened last year as a brand new high school with only freshmen and sophomore classes, this year they have juniors so that means they are going to have varsity teams. Which is very exciting, although without seniors on your varsity team it's a little tough to compete against other teams but we will see how it goes. Tonight they had their first home game, it wasn't an official game, just pre-season scrimmage but it was still really exciting and we were happy to finally have a game under the lights.
A little of this and a little of that at our first home game of the season.
The cheerleaders were definitely excited to be cheering on their Knights. The girls are doing so well and have seriously improved since last year at this time. They have a very tight bond and for the most part get along really, really well. We are so happy to have Allison be a part of this team and be the Captain. She loves it.
This town we live in is really small and word has traveled quickly about our house selling and our pending move. Which is funny cause we still have absolutely no idea where or when we are moving but at the same time it is inevitable, cause the house sold. Anyway, the coach and a couple of the girls and I were talking tonight and one of the cheerleaders said the sweetest thing ever to me. She said (with tears pooled in her eyes, which then made me tear up even before she began) "I don't want this to sound mean about the rest of the team, but I don't know what we are going to do without Alli, she is what keeps us all together, she is the one that holds us together as a team". Oh my gosh, what a compliment to my kid. It made me sad though to think of saying goodbye to this cheer team and all of these girls that I have grown to know and love so much. There are a few on the team that I would gladly take and raise (the little time of raising them that is left) them as my own. We will miss them so much. I am looking forward to spending this last football season with them though and watching them cheer on their boys under the Friday Night Lights.