Yes, I had a party. I know some of you may be wondering where your invitation is, why in the world you weren't invited. Well I didn't invite anyone-this was a one person, hardcore sniveling, runny nose, sobbing out loud pity party.
My soiree began last night at around 6 pm, right after my husband left to go bowling and it went on for 4 1/2 hours until I finally took a sleeping pill and knocked myself out. I don't know how it got started or why I couldn't pull myself together but it was bad. I actually felt hungover this morning from crying so much. I think that I just became overwhelmed with everything all at once. The enormity of what we are going through, of the change that we will inevitably have to make, the idea of packing up this house that we worked so hard for. The idea of taking my kids out of their schools and moving only God knows where. Starting all over again. Being renters for the first time in 12 years. Chris and I both having to find new jobs. Hoping that where ever we end up that we have made the right decision for all of us. All of it is so very overwhelming. So much so that I haven't really had time to think about my mom. I haven't had time to miss her, to mourn her. My world started crashing down 4 1/2 weeks after she died and since then I have been consumed with trying to figure out what we are going to do. I just missed her so much last night that I got that aching pain in my chest. I needed her, I needed her support and encouragement.
The party very easily could have continued today. It's not as if I woke up today all sunshine and roses. Cause let me tell you I didn't. I woke up groggy, sad and quite honestly a little pissed off. But I had to suck it up and go to work. Which I guess was a good thing because nobody likes a Debbie Downer. My husband and my kids deserve more, the kids at school deserve more. My family needs a strong mom and wife to keep things together around here. Chris needs a wife that can support him as he totally puts himself out there. I know it's a vulnerable position for him to be in. I can't imagine the pressure that he feels with the well being of a family of four on his shoulders. How he must stress every day knowing that our future is in his hands. I am doing everything I can to be there for him, to reassure him and just love him.
The logical, rational side of me knows that this will be over soon. I realize that it won't go on forever. But the emotional, thoughtful, sentimental side is a frickin disaster. I just want it to be December already (in my mind that is when I see everything coming together, I have no idea why). I want to be past all of this yuck and I want the stinking party to be over already!