Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Nina

You know that Brad Paisley song where  he sings about writing a letter to his 17 year old self? Well that concept has always intrigued me. The idea of being able to go back in time and give yourself some advice. Some introspect into life and how to deal with things. I was thinking about it today and there are so many things I would say to my young self so here it goes...

Dear Nina
Sweet, innocent, so nice, beautiful Nina. Hahahaha jk okay let me start again.

Dear Nina,
It's me. You as an old lady writing yourself a letter filled with advice and life lessons that might come in handy over the next 20 years or so.
Okay so first of all young lady stop ditching school! You are way smarter than you realize and someday  you might have something cool to offer to this world you need to spend more time studying and less time on the phone...just like your dad says. A good education is important and you really need to focus.

You really need to spend more time with your family. Stop feeling like you have to be with your friends 24 hours a day. Those people who live in your house? They aren't going to be around for long you need to spend as much time with them as you can. You need to tell them you love them more often and you need to listen when your parents tell stories of their childhood. Maybe even take notes, your memory isn't going to be so great in the future. Speaking of your family, you need to embrace your culturee, you really need to learn more about it, ask questions, learn some of the language. Be proud to be Sicilian, later on in life you will regret not knowing more.
Don't be so lazy, get more active. You need to exercise not just to be in shape but to feel better later on. Don't rely on diet pills to keep you in shape. You will wish you had never tried them later.
Loosen up. Don't be such a prude. Life is an adventure, and it's really short so start living. Have fun, take more chances and get out and see the world. Believe it or not California doesn't end in Huntington Beach, you can actually just keep going! You can jump in the car anytime and drive where ever you want. Take more risks. 
Get to know your grandparents on both sides better, like really talk to them, ask questions. Find out where you come from, who your ancestors were. Some of their lives were probably pretty interesting.
The most important thing I can tell you is to be prepared. Life gets tough. Sometimes you don't think you can do it. Sometimes things hurt so bad you just want to crawl in a hole. When your heart aches so bad you can't breathe, just relax. It will get better. You will see more than your share of heartache, you will lose lots of people that you love.
Oh and I know it's crazy, but when you are dating this guy Chris for only 30 days and he asks you to marry him? Totally go for it. It will be what makes your life worth living. People will think your crazy but trust me it works.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Hope, pray and wish...

One day at a time. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict but I am living by their mantra right now. Every day I wake up and wonder how today is going to go. Am I going to be sad today? Am I going to miss my mom so much today that my chest hurts? Are my kids going to be sad today? Will I go to work and stay so busy that I don't think about it? I never know. Some days is are better than others and some days I feel like everything is normal. This weekend has been a  pretty good weekend. I have had a few moments but for the most part I have felt fine. Not too many tears, not very many moments of 'oh my gosh my mom isn't here' realizations. My kids seem to be doing a little better too.
 Last week I was up late and the house was quiet. I headed downstairs at about 11:30 to get something to drink, I popped my head in the girls rooms to check on them. My youngest daughter was sound asleep, exhausted from a full day at acting camp. My oldest was sitting in her dark room all alone with nothing but the light from her ipod. I looked at her and saw that she was crying. I said "babe, what's wrong?" She shook her head and said nothing. I asked her to come downstairs with me. When we got downstairs she admitted that she was missing her grandma and that she had been texting my mom's cell phone telling her that she loved her and that she missed her. That? Was about as heartbreaking as it gets. I thought I was the only one sending my mom text messages or calling her phones (house and cell even though I had them both disconnected) just so I could see "mom" come up in my call log.
Every day is a new day for us as far as our grieving goes. We never know what is going to happen to us that might remind us of this huge loss we have had in our home. What one of us might say that reminds the other one of something grandma might say or we  might go to a store that she loved to go to and then immediately all 4 of us are imitating her as we walk through the store and thinking of all the funny things she would have said. We all miss her. The best part is that we have each other. I have 3 other people that lived here with me and my mom. Three people who truly saw the dynamics of our relationship . They knew that even though I complained about her incessantly and even though we argued all the time I also couldn't go more than a couple hours without talking to her. I didn't make many decisions without consulting her first. They saw first hand how awesome our relationship had become, especially in the last 6 months of her life. They also see me breakdown at least once a day and they understand why.
I hope that tomorrow is a good day. I pray that my children won't miss their grandma too much. I think I will even make that my 11:11 wish tomorrow, I will wish that I didn't miss her so much.
Until then we will see.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the other side of me...

Since I have had some new readers lately and have been making a few new friends in blog world I thought maybe I would write a post about me. I thought maybe some of you would like to know a little more about me and let's be honest who doesn't want to just sit and talk about themselves! Ha! If you are new here and are under the impression that my blog is about grieving and mourning your are in for a surprise. I started this blog months before my mom died, before I was even taking care of her full time. I started this blog because I wanted my kids to have a place where they could read about my family, long before I lost my mom I lost most of my other family members and have always been afraid that my kids wouldn't know any of these people or my memories of them unless I wrote them down somewhere. Then after I started writing I found out I had another brother. So then of course I had to tell that story, cause really finding out that your mom had another kid and forgot to mention it to you 41 years later is kinda crazy!
So here I am all these months later and I am totally in love with blogging and I love telling my story and love meeting new people in the blogosphere. But yesterday I was thinking maybe I should tell you all a little about me. I am a mother, wife, sister, aunt, teacher and friend. I am crafty and love to create things. For several years I was a stay at home mom and for extra income I scrap booked for people. I enjoyed it but burned out after a few years. The irony of course is that I have a scrapbook room in my home and did it for strangers for years and am so behind on my books I need to hire somebody to get me up to date! I also love to make things for people and sometimes think I should try to sell things on etsy but then my ADD kicks in and then I move on to something else before I ever get a chance to list anything! I am adding a few pictures of some of the things that I have made in the past. I love making things a few times then I get tired of it and want to make something else. Story of my life. Fickle girl.

I am also a cheer mom. A total pain in the butt cheer mom. Just kidding I am not crazy, I am not going to put a hit out on any girls who get in my girls way or might be better than my daughter. I just enjoy having a daughter who cheers. I guess on some level it allows me to live vicariously through her since I was never a cheerleader or as cute and popular as she is when I was in high school. She is the quintessential cheerleader. Tall. Blond. Thin. I should really trip her or beat her up but I love her so I will leave her alone. I never thought in a million years that I would love having a teenage daughter and love her friends so much I have always worked with young children and they are so cute and teenagers can be so moody but here I am hanging with the teenagers. I am the team mom, they dubbed me that not me. I love to host the parties, I love to hear about their lives and give them advice. It has been great having them around. The best part is I have another daughter who is 5 years younger so that means I get to keep doing this for so many years! I don't think that my younger daughter will be the cheerleader type but she is very talented in her own right. She is quite an awesome little actress and is very involved in several acting companies/groups. She loves to sing and perform for anybody who will listen. She amazes me. I could never stand up in front of a crowd and do the things she does. She is incredibly smart and has an amazing ability to memorize all her lines (and everyone else's) and every single time she is in a show/play she blows me away and brings me to tears. I would imagine that when she gets to high school she will be involved in the performing arts and then I will get to know that whole crowd. I can't wait. In some ways both of my girls are a lot like me but in some ways they are everything I have never been and I love that. I love being able to see the other side.
So that's it. That is who I am and what is going on in my life at the moment. See it's not all crying and grieving. We have fun around here too. As a matter of fact right now, I need to get off the computer so I can go make some goodies for the girls to surprise the girls with at cheer camp next week. I will post pictures later so just in case on of those nosey little brats logs on here they won't see what they are getting! Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

sometimes you just have to cry...

Last night my husband came to bed and we were talking about random stuff (probably the kids) then he walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to brush his teeth. I don't know what happened, I don't know where it came from but I just lay there and started crying. Poor guy he didn't even know what he did! He came back and said "oh honey why are you crying?, don't cry it makes me so sad" but I couldn't help it. In the last month since my mom died (it's actually been a little more than a month) at random times during the day or night while I am doing things that don't pertain to my mother at all I just start crying. I hate it. Today I was at work and I walked into the kitchen and just started crying. Ugh it's awful. The only good thing is it goes away pretty quickly after it begins. It's as if my mom is there saying "it's okay Nina you can cry a little but pull yourself together for God's sake!" The funny thing is it always happens when I least expect it but then when I think something is going to be really hard I am totally fine. Tonight one of my mom's girlfriends was coming over to get all of my mom's clothes, shoes and bedding. She is donating it to a woman's shelter for me. I stressed about it all day. I knew this was going to be tough. I knew that watching her stuff leave this house and even just looking at it again was going to break me. Not one tear was shed. I just looked through it, talked to her girlfriend a little about some of the stuff, watched as my husband put the dress that my mom wore to my wedding in the car and I was totally fine. Grieving sucks. It's like the old saying "when you least expect it, expect it". I never know when it's going to hit me or how hard but when it does I just have to go with it. I have said before that going shopping at certain stores, Marshall's, Target, Albertsons those places kill me. I still haven't been able to go to Fresh and Easy. I mean can you imagine? I can look at her clothes, the things she loved and be totally fine but the idea of going to a market sends me into a total meltdown mode. I know that as soon as I walk in there I will be bawling.
I feel bad for my family, I hate that they have to watch me go through this. I wish that I could only grieve privately, that no one would have to know that I miss her so much that I can't even stand it sometimes. You know that feeling you get when someone is crying and you feel like there is nothing you can do to help them? That is the position I feel like I put my girls and my husband in and I hate that. I do not like making people feel uncomfortable. I am working on this and trying to make it better. Trying to deal with my feelings and not feel guilty for mourning the death of my mom. But it's hard. This whole thing is just hard. I look forward to the day when the heartache is just a dull pain and the thought of the family I once had doesn't make me so incredibly sad. I look forward to the day that all of this is just a distant memory and one more lesson in my life.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day weekend circa 1986...the olden days.

Seeing how today is Father's Day I thought I would tell one of the Sabella family favorite father's day stories, and let me just say now that it includes a call to 911.

So one hot June afternoon I came home from spending the day down at the beach with my friend Shannon. It was a Saturday and we had plans to do something later that night. We were just going home to get some rest, shower up and get ready for our big evening, (we were only 17) so it wasn't going to be that big but whatever. So I pull up to my house in my very cool 1966 Ford Mustang (not that cool cause the brakes went out all the time) and I see that my brother Mike is visiting. He is visiting but instead of driving his car over he rode his super cute super cool new vespa (not sure what brand it was, but we are going with vespa) scooter. It was bright red and I immediately fell in love with it. He and my parents were outside checking it out when I pulled up. I was still wearing my two piece bathing suit with just a t-shirt over it and some flip flops (or flo-jos, or maybe jellie sandals). I said "wow Mike this is so cute can I take it for a ride" and before Mike could even answer my father said "DO NOT LET HER RIDE IT" hmm, how is that for confidence in my coordination. So Mike said no but he said that he would take me for a ride on the back. My dad then said that he was going to go take a shower because my other brother Danny was going to be there soon and the two sons were going to take their beloved father to the Playboy Jazz Festival for some father son bonding time for Father's Day. But before he went in he looked at Mike one more time and said "DO NOT LET HER RIDE THE SCOOTER". So Mike took me around the block and it was okay, not great because truly I just wanted to ride it by myself. So when we got back to the house I looked at my big brother, who happened to really love his little sister and I said "Mike, come on, he's in the shower he will never know, just let me take it around the block" So not one to want to upset me, remember I was the youngest and really kinda spoiled, Mike said "Okay Nina but just take it around the block". So there I went off in the wild blue yonder speeding away in my bikini, t-shirt and sandals on the shiny new scooter. I loved it, the wind in my hair, I felt so cute and hip. Then something went wrong, I was not nearly as coordinated as I thought I would be, I started to lose my confidence when I was making my third turn to head back home, I couldn't get it to turn and I was going too fast, next thing I knew I was flying (not lying, totally flew) over the handle bars and landing on the street, breaking the fall with my face. Yes, with my face. So I immediately jump up, blood is pouring from my face, I lift my shirt to cover my face and I just start screaming for my brother. He comes running around the corner and I swear to God I thought he was going to pass out. A neighbor saw me fall and was helping me push the scooter. I was walking towards Mike and I felt so, so bad I knew he was going to be so busted and my Dad was going to be really upset. But I also knew that my face was hurting so bad. We walked into the house and my mom started screaming and yelling (apparently I looked as bad as I felt) she called 911, this whole time my Dad was still oblivious and still in the shower. The paramedics came quickly, they started working on me right away, they put a neck brace on me and put me on the gurney, just as they were strapping me down my Dad walked in. OH MY GOD. He was so mad at Mike, and so scared for me. They then wheeled me out the front door to the waiting ambulance, just as we were going out the door my brother Danny was walking in, thinking that he was going to the Playboy Jazz Festival with his dad and his brother instead he was walking into his sister being rushed to the hospital. My parents followed the ambulance to the hospital. It wasn't until years and years later that I found out that my brothers went to the concert. Shut the front door, they went to the concert! Danny told me that our Dad looked at him and said "take Mike to the concert, I am so mad at him right now I can't even look at him". Danny says that it was the worst concert because Mike wouldn't talk and he was moping the whole time. He knew my Dad was going to be mad.
Back at the hospital we found out that I had broken my nose and my eye socket bone. I also had a big cut on my chin that needed stitches. It was not pretty. On the upside it was finals week that following week at school and I was going to get to miss it! Yay me!
Anyway, all was soon forgiven and my dad and Mike made up and we were one big happy family again. This is still one of mine and Danny's favorite stories to tell our kids and they have all heard it dozens of times. Oh and the next day Danny thought it was a good idea to come over and take pictures of me and my broken face, so the good news is we have it all documented!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Hmm, grateful. This is something I am struggling with every single day. Learning how to be grateful.
Yesterday was 4 weeks since my mom died. July will be the 21st and 18th year anniversary of my brother and my dad's deaths. Last year my husband left his job, he left after 16 years of working his tail off and being the most loyal employee anyone could ever have. He had to leave because we were on the verge of losing everything. His income had gone down 60% and they had stripped him of all of his benefits. His new job is OK, it's not the perfect job, but it's working. This morning I had to go urgent care (oh we still don't have health insurance) because I have not been able to speak for 3 days and I feel like crap. I have already missed so much work because of my mom's death it's ridiculous but today I had to leave again. The PA just sat there and listened while I cried and whispered (no voice) about how awful I felt and how my mom dying might have something to do with it. Yesterday when my youngest daughter was walking out the back door to go spend sometime in the casita (where my mom lived) she shut the door on her foot. She was outside and her toes were still in the house. I had to run out through the front door and go around back and pull her out. Her two smallest toes appear to be broken and she ripped a lot of skin off. This is all just par for the course of my life lately.
So having put all of that out there maybe you can understand why I have been struggling with being grateful. After I went and picked up my prescriptions this morning I was driving home crying and trying to decide what I am grateful for, trying to look on the bright side and be positive, which quite honestly has been hard lately because lately I am just mad. But in spite of my anger I think I came up with a few things.
I am so, so grateful for my family. My husband and my daughters. They really are amazing. They have been so good to me during all of this and we have all stuck together and formed an even stronger bond than we had before. My sweet 9 year old daughter is always so worried about me and always trying to cheer me up. She is constantly hugging me and loving me. My teenage daughter is my best friend. She and I share everything with each other and have gotten each other through this. My husband has been so unbelievably patient and kind. I know there have been times when he normally would have lost it with me but due to the circumstances has sucked it up and been sweet.
I am grateful for my friends. My friends that I grew up with have been so good to me, not just because they love me but because they loved my mom. They spent so much time at my house growing up and they have great memories of my parents. This has been there loss too in a way and they are feeling it. They call me all the time to check on me, they have sent cards and messages letting me know they are there. I am so grateful for that.
I am grateful for my two brothers, my half brothers that have been my saving grace. Danny, (and his awesome family) who I have a lifetime of memories with and has been through so much tragedy with me. He is always so supportive in his quiet way but is the best big brother in the world. No matter how many family members we lose or what the circumstances are he remains strong. I look up to him and love him for it.
Randy, my new brother. Even though I have only even known about him for 6 months we have already formed a bond. He is a great guy and is dealing with so much himself right now. Two weeks after my mom died (his birth mother, that he never got to speak to) his father died. Yes, my mom's ex-husband died two weeks after she did. So Randy has been dealing with everything with his dad and his mom (the mom who raised him) and I feel for him because I know this can't be easy. But through it all he has kept his sense of humor and is handling it so well. I am so grateful for his open mind and his open heart.
I am grateful for my friends here in the desert too. So many of them have offered help when I was planning everything, bringing over dinners and having my house cleaned for me, they really are good friends. I know it hasn't been easy for them because in the last year or so I have become socially inept and am not always the easiest friend for them to have but they are patient and kind and for that I am grateful,.
I am grateful for my mom's friends. The one's that stood by her side during some very difficult times in her life. That understood why she chose to do some of the things she did and put up with her criticism even when there feelings were hurt. They have been so good to me and call and check on me all the time. For that I am so grateful
So there it is. The things that in spite of my anger I am grateful for. I know that someday soon my anger will subside and I will be able to be social again, and look on the bright side of things, I look forward to that day. And when that day comes I will be so grateful.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

LIfe goes on...

This is going to be a quick post (I think) as I have a million things to do and my day is very busy. But that is exactly why I had to stop and take the time to write this before I forget. I think that with every death that a person deals with in their life, whether it be a close friend or relative their own mortality comes to mind. Somehow all deaths become relatable, this time this death relates to me because I am a mother of course. Every day since my mom has passed our lives have gone back to normal a little bit more and more. And everytime another day passes I think 'wow, it's like life just goes on' as sad as I may be, as much as I may miss her my life just goes on as if nothing ever happened. All of our lives go on, her friends, her other relatives and nobody thinks any different of it. It's just the way we do things. So as I just keep plugging along getting my classroom ready for summer camp, cleaning my house, making plans for the weekend I can't help but think 'what would happen if I died today' in 3 weeks would the kids already be back to normal, plugging along? Would they just function as if nothing had happened. I mean I know they would miss me, this isn't a post about playing the martyr, it's simply about human abilities and how we are able to just keep going even if our heart is broken, even if we are sad. I am so glad that we are able to do this but at the same time I feel like it's a little disrespectful. My mom was my mother for 41 years, maybe she deserves more. But what? How do you mourn 41 years of someone being your mother and still keep plugging along? I am not sure but I am going to try to figure it out. I am going to make it my mission to find a balance. Maybe it's writing this blog, maybe it's capturing my thoughts and memories on here that is a good balance, all day long my life goes on but when I sit down in front of this screen and keyboard it's my time to honor my mom. To let her and everyone else know that I am thinking about her. Even if my daily trips to Starbucks and Target are still going strong and if we are figuring out where to go for Fourth of July in spite of this huge hole in my heart I am still thinking about her, even though "life goes on".

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

For the Love of Children.

I thought it might be nice to take a break from all the posts about mourning, grieving and healing and take some time to write about what I do. I am a Kindergarten teacher. I think I said before that I started teaching preschool when I was 19 years old. That was 22 years ago. Shut the front door. TWENTY TWO years ago. Holy cow when did I get so old? Anyway, Ever since I was a young girl I have always loved kids. I started babysitting when I was 13 years old. I loved it. I loved the responsibility of it, the feeling of independence I had when the parents left me alone and most of all I loved the kids. I would call my parents from the house I was at to tell them funny things that the kids had done, I would relay stories that of course were never nearly as funny told the second time, but to me they were hysterical and darling.
When I first started teaching I always had a favorite. Yes, I totally played favorites and it was obvious. I would become friends with my "favorites" parents and babysit the kids and spend time with them outside of school. I know, totally not okay, but I couldn't help it. The funny thing is those kids are now 19 to 25 (yes 25) years old now and I remember all of them. I could look at a picture of them and instantly remember everything about them. There are a handful of them over the years that have truly touched my soul and stayed with me forever.
As I have gotten older and had kids of my own I tend to not play favorites as much, I mean yes every once in a while there will be a kid in the 2 and 3 year old room (Tallulah and Vinnie this year) that I will bond with but for the most part I stay pretty neutral. Which is probably a good thing, because this year, I only had 7 kids. Yes you read that right 7 Kindergartners. I couldn't have played favorites if I wanted to, it would have been way to obvious. The good news was that I love each and every one of them so much that I could have not picked a favorite if I was made to. They are the most amazing kids ever. They make me smile laugh and cry all the time, usually I am crying because I am laughing so hard. They all get along so well. There is hardly ever any drama and when there is it's over before you know it. I have been so lucky this year to watch them learn how to read, add, subtract and just be awesome curious, inquisitive kids. The parents are all wonderful, and lets be real if you are a teacher you know that never happens, great kids and great parents all in one year.
Now the year is coming to an end, I only have 2 more days to spend with the 7 of them and that makes me tear up just thinking about it. I tease them every day at circle time that I am calling their new schools and telling them that unfortunately these kids aren't ready for 1st grade and I will have to keep them with me one more year they all laugh and tease me right back knowing that they are getting bigger and no matter how much I beg they are leaving. I am so lucky to have had them and will remember all 7 of them forever (shut up I am totally crying right now as if I am talking about grieving again!). I just hope that they do as all kids say they will do and come visit me. I tell them stories about kids I have had in the past and how I will see them at the grocery store or somewhere now and I am like "Oh Mackenzie, I was your preschool teacher, remember how much you loved me!" meanwhile this 18 year old girl is looking at me like I am nuts! They promise they won't do that, that they will remember me too. We'll see, only time will tell.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Beginning to heal....

It was a beautiful day in Rose Hills yesterday. In case you are unaware, Rose Hills is a cemetery. It's the cemetery where my dad, my brother Mike, the twin babies that my parents had and now my mom are all buried at. We gathered under a canopy and said goodbye for one last time. It was a very small, intimate crowd. Just my family, my brother Danny's family and a handful of my mom's very closest friends that wanted to be there to witness it.
I had been stressing about it all week. I knew it was coming, but I didn't want it to. I had to pick a box. A box to put my mother's remains in. That? is not a fun job. So of course in keeping with the theme of my grieving thus far I decided a little more retail therapy was in order. First I went to Kirkland's, I purchased a satin box with the letter S embroidered on top. It was pretty, I just wasn't sure if it was going to be big enough. So then I thought 'hmm, well I guess I could separate her ashes and leave some with me. (that was a really, really bad idea, I mean who in the world was going to actually "separate" them, certainly not me) but at the time, I thought it was genius! So I purchased three smaller more traditional urn type things, they came in a set of 3 so I had to buy all of them even though I would only use one. Anyway, a day after I made the original purchase my mom's girlfriend called me to tell me that she had been to Home Goods that day and they had some really pretty boxes that I might like better. Well guess what? that just means I get to shop more... and really nothing makes me feel closer to my mom than shopping, especially at a home store. So I went to Home Goods on my lunch break, this means I had approximately 30 minutes to find a box that would hold my mother's remains for all of eternity... no pressure. While I box shopped I also talked on the phone to one of her girlfriends, multitasking of course. There were many boxes to choose from but none seemed exactly perfect. I then decided maybe this needed more of my attention and hung up the phone. I wandered around the store and headed back towards the office section, not to find a box but to buy a large wooden S that I had seen there the week before. The S was for Sally, I wanted to put it our guest house that my mom lived in, to show that she still belonged there. Anyway I saw the S and grabbed it. And guess what, right there next to that S was a beautiful green (her favorite color) silk box with beads all over it. It was there, all by itself totally not where it belonged, but just sitting by the S. It was as though she put it there. I think she did.
Earlier that morning Chris had called me to tell me that he would be able to go pick my mom up at the crematory place. The guy had called and said she was ready. It was a job I did not want, something I had been putting off. I was so glad he would do it. He called me when he had her and I could hear the tears in his voice and the sadness in his heart. I knew it was hard for him too but he did it anyway, because he loves me.
What a good guy. When I got home that day after work the box was sitting on the kitchen island. I walked very slowly over to it. It was just an ordinary cardboard box, but on top it said "This box contains the remains of Sally Sabella". Well that was all I needed. I went into full on nervous breakdown mode. I cried and screamed and cried some more. It was the most painful part of this whole thing so far. To think that all she was, is now in this little box broke my heart. I mean I know that she's not in there, that her soul, her spirit is in heaven but to think that it was really, truly over was more than I could handle. I took the box and I went out to her room. I set the box on the coffee table and just cried some more. I talked to her and apologized a million times, I don't even know what for, I just felt so, so bad. I eventually just lay down on the couch and fell asleep, absolutely exhausted.
The next morning we packed up the car, with all of our stuff. We put my mom's remains her new pretty satin box and we set off to say goodbye. When we got there everyone was already there waiting for us. They were all so sweet. Her friends have been so unbelievably good to me. It's like I have 6 moms now. They love me, reassure me and comfort me. Once I was there I was okay. I had people around me that loved me, people that were also grieving and missing my mom. We have a common bond and that helps me. The hardest part for me is seeing the kids, my girls and my niece and my nephew, these children who no longer have their grandparents. These children who will have to rely on us to share our stories and memories so that they can get to know their grandpa and to remember their grandma.
We said goodbye and then headed to visited a dear, sweet relative. My dad's cousin. She is an amazing lady and we really enjoyed our time with her. She took us to dinner and we talked and even cried a little.
We were going to go home after that but I just wasn't ready. So at the very last minute we decided to head to this awesome little boutique hotel that we had seen last summer in Hermosa Beach. Oh my gosh it was fabulous. It was just what we needed. Quality time, just the 4 of us. No phones ringing. No remains to pick up, no plans to make. Just us. We walked on the Strand and we took pictures. We just had a good time. I don't even think I cried once.
I am so glad that all of the planning and decision making is behind me now. I really do feel like I can begin to heal. I will always, always miss my mom. I miss her so much that it hurts. But I have been through this many times and I know that soon the hurt will lessen and I will be ok.