Monday, August 23, 2010

No Regrets... or so I thought.

No Regrets. That has been the theme of my life for a long time. I never wanted to do or say something that I might regret later. It all started when my dad's side of the family and my mom and I started having some issues after my dad died. I had to make decisions at that time in my life and some of them were really difficult. I knew back then at the tender age of 23 that I didn't want to live to regret the way that I treated someone, in this case it was my dad's twin brother and I knew that no matter what happened if I made the right choice, the Italian (family first, no matter what) choice that I wouldn't regret it later. And I was right. My Uncle passed away 10 years after my dad I for sure had no regrets. I knew that I had handled the situation the right way and that my dad and my grandparents would have been proud.
After that I just have always kind of had in the back of my mind that you never know how short life is and you should always do/say what you really feel so that no matter what happens you will not regret it later.
Let me clarify something here before I go on. When I use the term "no regrets" I certainly do not mean it in an adventurous, live life to it's fullest, never let an opportunity pass you by kind of way, I am not that person. I am so not adventurous or risk taking. I just mean stay true to yourself, treat people the way you want to be treated and if you are not happy in a situation change it. Period.
Anyway, when my mom came to live with us and her health started to deteriorate I again had the 'no regrets' thing in the back of my mind always. We argued, we yelled and we cried but I knew that for the rest of my life I would never regret any of it because it was so important that we were getting this time together.
Tonight Gianna and I have been staying out in the casita, where my mom lived for 2 years and 8 months. I have slept out there a few times since my mom died and my daughters have had several sleepovers out there but tonight something hit me. Tonight I felt closed in, lonely and uncomfortable. It's a nice space, kind of like a very small apartment, living room, little kitchenette area, wide hallway, bathroom and a bedroom. But still I felt so closed in. I felt so lonely. I knew that Chris and Allison were inside the big house and how much more comfortable and air-y it is in there. I looked at Gianna and said "I have to go in the house right now".
This is where the regretting starts. I almost can't even type what I am about to say, it brings tears to my eyes to even think about it.
Over the last couple years my mom's biggest complaint was how lonely she was. How isolated she felt out there. She would tell me, Chris and the kids that she wished we would come out there more to see her. She was on oxygen and sometimes it just wasn't that easy for her to get around. There were days and days that would go by that I wouldn't even see her. She lived here in my home and I wouldn't see her. And now she's gone. Oh my God that hit me so hard tonight. Made me wish so bad that I could go back and change it. Made me realize why I have tried so hard to live my life without regrets. Because when you regret something it hurts. It's an awful feeling. When you have regrets and that person is no longer here for you to apologize to it's that much worse. I hope that the day comes when I can tell this story or read this post without this giant lump in my throat. I hope that at some point I will feel like she forgave me for it and understood that I was busy. I just wish I could say 'I am so sorry mom, I love you.'

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you love. You are in my thoughts. But, the next time you read this entry to yourself, imagine your mother reading it and what she would say? I don't think that she would want you living with a heavy heart. I know that sounds so much simpler then it is.


Thanks for commenting!