So glad it's over.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for me and for both of my daughters. Allison will be starting 10th grade and Gianna will be starting 5th.
I can't believe the summer is over, I am so glad it is. In a good year I am not a fan of summer in the desert and this year it was especially lame. I hate the heat and I complain about it a lot. But it's not just the heat that makes this place so miserable in the summer. It's the lifestyle. There is nothing to do. Most of the places we are looking at to move to are also hot but at least they have a 'downtown' area and there are plenty of summertime activities. I look forward to enjoying the summer again and not dreading it.
I started this post because I have been reflecting on how super dumb our summer has been. Nice right? Good attitude right? Well whatever, it was dumb and I am calling it what it was.
The summer began with my mom's death and everything that went along with it. That was not the best way to kick off the summer for sure. It kind of put a downer mood on the whole season. I still can't believe she has been gone for a whole summer. Still find it hard to believe that I haven't heard her voice or seen her face in over 3 months. That is crazy to me. I have missed her every single day and  have shed many tears. It is going to take a lot longer than one summer to get over losing my mom.
About 4 weeks after my mom died we were dealt the whole pay cut blow for Chris. We were hit with the enormity of it while we were out of town for the fourth of July. That was the very last time we were able to get out of the heat for more than 9 hours all summer. The rest of the summer has been spent trying to deal with everything.
We put our home on the market on August 5th. One month after we found out about the pay cut, it only took 1 month for it to hit us and for us to not be able to keep our home any longer. Twenty one days after we listed the house it sold. We have spent the last 4 days in kind of a fog realizing that time is going to fly and we need to have some kind of plan in place. Thinking that somebody else is going to be living in this house soon and we are going to have to find a place to live.
I will say that the good news about this whole situation is that the summer flew by. It went so quickly and that is really nice. It's like ripping a band aid off. I knew it was going to hurt going into it but before I knew it, the whole thing was over.
I am so looking forward to the fall. I am not a big football fan but I love football season and all that it brings. I love the weather, the sound of a game on t.v while I cook dinner. The way people come together to watch a game. I am hoping that where ever we end up it will be some where that has a college and professional team nearby, I want to live in a place where they get real excited to watch "their" team play. Where their is a sense of pride and camraderie.
 I also can't wait for Halloween. My kids are both a little too old for it but I can't wait to decorate the house and do fun art projects with my class. I have already bought a Halloween magazine filled with recipes and art projects. I am hoping to be able to take my class on a field trip to the semi local apple orchards and pick some apples. Doesn't that sound like fall fun?
Well it's getting late and tomorrow I have to be up bright and early so that I can be ready to see those 16 shiny little faces waiting for their first day of Kindergarten. I wonder if they will be as happy as I am that summer is over.

Going Country

Well today was kind of a big day around here. Yesterday we had 2 offers on the house. One of them was full price, no contingencies and they have a pre-approval letter and 20% cash down. So we are thinking this is probably a no brainer for the bank to accept. So we took this offer as our primary offer and the other offer which was made by good friends of ours as the back up offer. So pretty much the house is sold. It is a short sale though and it could take anywhere from 90 to 120 days so we will be here for a while. But we all know how fast 3 or 4 months flies by and before we know it we will be starting our new life. Hmm, our new life. Here's the thing, we have NO IDEA where we are going. I don't know why but I really, really want to go country. I really am focusing on Texas, Tennessee or North Carolina. For some reason the lifestyle and people in the south really, really appeal to me. Which brings me to one of the things I wanted to write about tonight. I am an avid reader. Always have been, wrote fan letters to Judy Blume as a kid, dreamed of being Beverly Cleary's grand daughter. Yes I idolized authors the way our kids today idolize the newest pop sensation. Anyway, right now I am reading a book by Jane Porter. I have read a few of her books and have always really liked  them. You might even say I am a "fan" of hers. The book I am reading now is "She's Gone Country" my bloggy/facebook friend Stephanie reviews books and had this one on her website and I thought 'hmm that sounds like it is right up my alley since I am also trying to Go Country. It has been one of those books that as soon as I start reading it I can't put it down, as a matter of fact I am rushing through this post so that I can read the book. So yesterday I was reading away and I came to this paragraph on page 41, which as we all know because I talk about it all the time is my age... weird anyway, this is what it said-
"The past once hurt so much. The present is a mess, and I can't even see a future.
Can't even imagine where we're supposed to go from here."
Oh my gosh that is my life, right there in 3 sentences it sums up exactly how I feel right now. And here is the other thing, the lead character in the book just moved to TEXAS!! The only thing is that she was actually from there in the first place. But reading this book and picturing the story she is telling is making me want to move there even more. The state fair, the sense of community, the live music of Austin, the idea of living in a state where they have so much pride in their state and in their country. I love that. I hope and pray every day that this is going to happen for us. That this is where we will end up, if not Texas than North Carolina or Tennessee, they all sound equally great. I just want to go country so badly.
.

No Regrets... or so I thought.

No Regrets. That has been the theme of my life for a long time. I never wanted to do or say something that I might regret later. It all started when my dad's side of the family and my mom and I started having some issues after my dad died. I had to make decisions at that time in my life and some of them were really difficult. I knew back then at the tender age of 23 that I didn't want to live to regret the way that I treated someone, in this case it was my dad's twin brother and I knew that no matter what happened if I made the right choice, the Italian (family first, no matter what) choice that I wouldn't regret it later. And I was right. My Uncle passed away 10 years after my dad I for sure had no regrets. I knew that I had handled the situation the right way and that my dad and my grandparents would have been proud.
After that I just have always kind of had in the back of my mind that you never know how short life is and you should always do/say what you really feel so that no matter what happens you will not regret it later.
Let me clarify something here before I go on. When I use the term "no regrets" I certainly do not mean it in an adventurous, live life to it's fullest, never let an opportunity pass you by kind of way, I am not that person. I am so not adventurous or risk taking. I just mean stay true to yourself, treat people the way you want to be treated and if you are not happy in a situation change it. Period.
Anyway, when my mom came to live with us and her health started to deteriorate I again had the 'no regrets' thing in the back of my mind always. We argued, we yelled and we cried but I knew that for the rest of my life I would never regret any of it because it was so important that we were getting this time together.
Tonight Gianna and I have been staying out in the casita, where my mom lived for 2 years and 8 months. I have slept out there a few times since my mom died and my daughters have had several sleepovers out there but tonight something hit me. Tonight I felt closed in, lonely and uncomfortable. It's a nice space, kind of like a very small apartment, living room, little kitchenette area, wide hallway, bathroom and a bedroom. But still I felt so closed in. I felt so lonely. I knew that Chris and Allison were inside the big house and how much more comfortable and air-y it is in there. I looked at Gianna and said "I have to go in the house right now".
This is where the regretting starts. I almost can't even type what I am about to say, it brings tears to my eyes to even think about it.
Over the last couple years my mom's biggest complaint was how lonely she was. How isolated she felt out there. She would tell me, Chris and the kids that she wished we would come out there more to see her. She was on oxygen and sometimes it just wasn't that easy for her to get around. There were days and days that would go by that I wouldn't even see her. She lived here in my home and I wouldn't see her. And now she's gone. Oh my God that hit me so hard tonight. Made me wish so bad that I could go back and change it. Made me realize why I have tried so hard to live my life without regrets. Because when you regret something it hurts. It's an awful feeling. When you have regrets and that person is no longer here for you to apologize to it's that much worse. I hope that the day comes when I can tell this story or read this post without this giant lump in my throat. I hope that at some point I will feel like she forgave me for it and understood that I was busy. I just wish I could say 'I am so sorry mom, I love you.'

What tomorrow will bring...

One year ago this week I was at work and my daugther Allison called me. She was home alone and was calling to inform me that the tow truck driver was there to pick up my car. Allison was 13 years old, two weeks away from starting high school and she was letting me know that she had worked side by side with the repo guy to take all my cds and stuff out of my car. She knew why he was there, she knew what was happening and she told me about it as though she was just letting me know what was going on. No panic in her voice, no sorrow, embarassment or weakness. Just a fact. She had just watched my car get anchored onto the tow truck and drive away. I, on the other hand was at work bawling. I was crying because I was panicked, sad and embarassed. Horrified that my car was being picked up for all the neighbors to see, so devastated that we were beginning to lose tangible things. I know now it really wasn't that big of a deal and things were about to get A LOT worse before they got better. I look back and think 'eh, I didn't like that car much anyway. For the next 10 months or so we worked our butts off to make sure that no matter what happened we saved our house. We did everything to make sure that in the end our children had the home they loved, my mom would be comfortable in her casita and that we would have the comfort of knowing that we were strong enough to keep our home. Two weeks ago tomorrow we met with a real estate agent to put our house on the market for short sale. We have invested everything we ever had into this home. We did everything we could to keep it but now we are losing it.
Last December I found out that I had a brother. I learned that my mother had a son with her first husband and didn't tell me. Kept a secret from me my whole life. She had to leave her son with her ex husband and go on with her life as if it had never happened. Kept her secret from me, my brothers Mike and Danny and many, many others. Lived her life with a hole in her heart because she didn't know what we would do or say if we found out she had done such a thing. She never knew that I would love her, respect her and understand her like never before. She didn't know that the very next day I would start searching for my brother, find him and get to know him and have a wonderful relationship with him.
Three years ago my mom was told she was dying. She was told that she had end stage lung disease and that she only had a very short time to live. She came home and prepared to die. We called her friends, her family and we waited. We waited and waited and still she lived. She felt better. She kept on going and plugging along as if those doctors were crazy. Two years and 11 months later she finally started to die. She proved that doctors also never know what tomorrow will bring in spite of all of the research and knowledge. She passed away May 18th 2010 almost exactly 3 years after they gave her the grim prognosis. In those almost 3 years our lives changed significantly and she helped me through so much. Our relationship grew and we became closer than ever. Thank God the doctors were wrong.
When my mom died in May I started really making my plea to move. My husbands job that he had started about 9 months before was not turning out to be all that we had hoped for. I saw the stress in his eyes and the heartbreak in his face. I knew that he had set his hopes high and that every day he was a bit more and more dissapointed. I started bringing up the idea of moving to Orange County. Two hours away from where we live now and home to almost all of my very closest friends and some of my family. A veritable safety net for me. The place where I always wanted to go back to. In the last 3 or 4 weeks we have started to broaden our view and change our ideas of what a good place to live might be. Right now as I type my husband is downstairs on the phone talking to a guy in North Carolina about a job. Yesterday he spoke to a guy in New Jersey and another one in Missouri. I have no idea where we will end up. I know that no matter where it is that things are going to be better for us. I know in my heart that we have had all we can handle for a while. I know that our perspective on life has changed considerably and that we are more ready for change than ever. I also know that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring... We will remain hopeful in spite of this crazy year we have had and we will remain strong. Our family is closer than ever and we are ready for the next chapter. Someday we will look back on this time in our lives as a blip on the radar. It will be the the time in our lives that my girls will refer to when they are speaking to their own kids when they say things like "oh, you think you have it so bad, when I was a kid we _________________" and they will fill in the blank with whatever story that they remember. It has been character building, heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. We have found new family, and we have learned all about staycations and how to make the most out of a crappy situation. We have learned who our true friends are and which family members really care and worry about us. As hard as it has been I am glad that it has happened in a way. We have learned a lesson that we will never forget and hopefully our kids have learned one too. Hopefully when they start making a good income and the money seems like it will always be there they will remember to save it and their childhood memories will keep them in check.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

Random Weekend Stuff

So there it went... another glorious 48 hours of pure bliss. How I love the weekends. Even when we don't do anything I love them.
This weekend we just hung out around the house. I tried my hand at some southern faire. I attempted Paula Deen's chicken fried steak. Let me just say that I am clearly not a chicken fried steak kinda girl. I mean I guess it was good. The family like it but not me. My Dad may have rolled over in his grave a little when I made it too.
A real estate agent showed the house on Sunday. So of course that meant we had to leave for a while. We went to lunch and bowling as a family. That was nice.
We talked about moving. We dreamt about places to live. New neighborhoods. Seasons. Well maybe I was the only one dreaming about seasons, my poor kids only know two seasons. Warm and then summer. Warm is the season for spring, winter and fall around here. I mean sure sometimes it gets a little chilly in the winter but seriously when it is this hot it is so hard to remember why I even own long sleeves or pants. I am so looking forward to having 4 real seasons where ever we should end up.
I don't know why but I am so drawn to the south. I am so wanting to end up in Tennesee, North Carolina and I am even opening my mind to Austin Texas. At this point so many people have suggested Austin that I can't help but think it's a sign. I have to say researching it on the internet makes it look pretty awesome. One of the families at school is getting ready to move there and they are so excited it really is a little contagious.
I think one of the reasons I am so attracted to the south is almost all of my favorite movies were based in the south. The Blind Side. Hope Floats. A Time to Kill (featuring my ex-boyfriend Matthew McConaughey).

I mean my God look at him. He's from Texas, things have to be good there right?

Forrest Gump. All great movies, all southern. It just seems like time moves a little slower there. Like people are friendlier and whenever they show the neighborhoods on HGTV House Hunters everything looks more spread out. Here in California the houses are on top of each other and in our neighborhood people don't even hang out with each other.
I just want a fresh start so badly for all of us. I want Chris to find a job he loves where he is so appreciated for his tremendous talent. I want the kids to find schools that they love so that they don't miss their friends and schools here as much, because I realize how hard this is going to be on them and I know they will miss it but I just want to soften the blow. I want to find a new comfort zone for me. I want to wake up every morning knowing that things are getting better and that we are going to be okay. Right now I wake up every morning praying for this. Praying that today will be the day that something good happens. It has been such a stressful time for us in these last two years that I know it has to get better. I know that there is a bigger better plan for us and by God I am ready. I even am looking forward to picking up a new accent! Tonight we went to a barbecue place for dinner and on the way home Chris, Allison and I kind of worked on that. Chris has his down for sure he'll be fitting in in no time. Allison and I are going to take some work. I am sure Gianna will be fine too she picks up on accents pretty quick with her acting so she will be all over the lingo.
So with that I say-Y'all come back soon and I will be sure to have some good news for ya. (see I told you I need to work on it)
xoxo
Nina

Oh What a Party...

Yes, I had a party. I know some of you may be wondering where your invitation is, why in the world you weren't invited. Well I didn't invite anyone-this was a one person, hardcore sniveling, runny nose, sobbing out loud pity party.
My soiree began last night at around 6 pm, right after my husband left to go bowling and it went on for 4 1/2 hours until I finally took a sleeping pill and knocked myself out. I don't know how it got started or why I couldn't pull myself together but it was bad. I actually felt hungover this morning from crying so much. I think that I just became overwhelmed with everything all at once. The enormity of what we are going through, of the change that we will inevitably have to make, the idea of packing up this house that we worked so hard for. The idea of taking my kids out of their schools and moving only God knows where. Starting all over again. Being renters for the first time in 12 years. Chris and I both having to find new jobs. Hoping that where ever we end up that we have made the right decision for all of us. All of it is so very overwhelming. So much so that I haven't really had time to think about my mom. I haven't had time to miss her, to mourn her. My world started crashing down 4 1/2 weeks after she died and since then I have been consumed with trying to figure out what we are going to do. I just missed her so much last night that I got that aching pain in my chest. I needed her, I needed her support and encouragement.
The party very easily could have continued today. It's not as if I woke up today all sunshine and roses. Cause let me tell you I didn't. I woke up groggy, sad and quite honestly a little pissed off. But I had to suck it up and go to work. Which I guess was a good thing because nobody likes a Debbie Downer. My husband and my kids deserve more, the kids at school deserve more. My family needs a strong mom and wife to keep things together around here. Chris needs a wife that can support him as he totally puts himself out there. I know it's a vulnerable position for him to be in. I can't imagine the pressure that he feels with the well being of a family of four on his shoulders. How he must stress every day knowing that our future is in his hands. I am doing everything I can to be there for him, to reassure him and just love him.
The logical, rational side of me knows that this will be over soon. I realize that it won't go on forever. But the emotional, thoughtful, sentimental side is a frickin disaster. I just want it to be December already (in my mind that is when I see everything coming together, I have no idea why). I want to be past all of this yuck and I want the stinking party to be over already!

The Big Splurge and a couple of sidenotes.

Yesterday morning (well it wasn't really morning because I didn't even get out of bed til 10:00 am) my girls and I ran to Target, you know not really for anything specific but just to check things out, get a Starbucks and walk around. While we were there I received a phone call. The first realtor phone call. You know the one, where they want to show your house. As I was talking to the agent Gianna and Allison were standing there listening and watching me and suddenly Gianna dropped her cup, like let it fall from her hand and she said "I don't want them to show my house, I don't want to move". I told the agent it was fine, that they could show it and that we would not be home. So knowing that Gianna was super uncomfortable with this whole thing I said "let's go home, get ready and drive to downtown Disney to have dinner" Disneyland is in Anaheim, we live in the desert, it's about a 2 hours drive, not something we would normally do so spontaneously on a Sunday afternoon but I knew it was probably the best thing for us. We came home got the house all staged and I took a shower and got ready and we got in Chris's big truck (he was using my car for the weekend on his trip to Monterey for his HS reunion) and hit the road. First let me be clear, the truck? way too big for me. Totally makes me uncomfortable to drive it and to park it is an even bigger nightmare, which always leads to fits of laughter from the kids because they think it's hysterical when I behave as though I am driving a big rig. But I did it. I drove that big 'ol thing all the way to Anaheim. Thank God that there wasn't much traffic.
Once we arrived at the Happiest Place on Earth, or at least it's free counterpart known as Downtown Disney I knew that we would have to go into one of the parks. I knew that I wasn't going to be satisfied if we didn't get to ride a few rides and have some fun. We decided to splurge. We had absolutely no business spending the money to go to California Adventure but I decided I didn't care. We have had a rough 3 months and we were going to do it anyway. I knew it was irresponsible but oh well. You only live once right? I am so glad we did. We had so much fun. Just me and my girls. We rode a few rides, got completely drenched on Roaring Rapids and had a great dinner and laughed ourselves silly at dinner. It was so good for us. Gianna kept thanking me and telling me how happy she was. It felt good. It felt like old times when we were able to just be spontaneous before things started going to Hell in a hand basket.
Oh my gosh, then when we were all done we headed out to the parking lot to leave. As we walked toward the truck we noticed another large truck and it was parked directly behind me. Oh how I wish I would have taken pictures because telling this story is not going to do it justice but I will try anyway. So I mentioned how I am not the best park-er, well I am really, really bad at pulling out of the parking spot too. Backing that bad boy up is so daunting to me and when I sit in the driver's seat and look in the rear view mirror at the bed I swear to you it looks like it is 40 feet long. As soon as I got in and saw that big, lifted, painted flame truck in the spot directly behind me I knew it wasn't going to happen, I knew there was no way this lady was getting us out of there. So Allison went and got the police. Yes, the police had to help us back the truck out of the parking spot. Not kidding, and the best part was that it was difficult for them too. One of them even said a few times "I can't do this, there is no way I can do this". I don't know why this part made me so happy but it did. I was so glad that I wasn't just being dramatic or playing damsel in distress, it really wasn't easy to do. After about 10 minutes and a security guards intervention (so that makes two cops a security guard, me and the kids all working together to get one truck out of a parking spot) we finally got it! We drove home safely and were in bed before 11:00. What a great day.
A couple of other really great things happened in the last week. One of my very best friends since I was 13 became a grandma. It wasn't something that was planned and my girlfriend wasn't prepared to take that walk into grandma-hood but it has turned out to be amazing. I am so excited for her and her daughter both. I can't wait to meet the baby and hopefully it will happen soon. I have seen pictures and she is beautiful.
The other awesome thing was one of my facebook friends adopted a baby girl. It isn't official for another hour and half, they are literally counting down right now I am sure. I don't know the whole story, we have been inbox messaging about it for the last few days and I am so happy for her.
I love baby news. I love hearing about a new life being brought into this world. It makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.
xoxo

Bittersweet.

Today we did it. We put the house on the market. We did it because we had to, not because we were ready to or because Chris has some great job offer and we know where we are going. I would like to say more, I would like to tell the whole story, believe me there is so much more to tell and so much more detail to go into but I can't. My poor husband is so private, he never tells anybody anything and then he married me. I have the biggest mouth in the world. I mean for God's sake I started a flippin blog so that I could tell my story! I think that I see every opportunity to tell my story as a chance to network, like as in 'well maybe if I tell everybody what is going on then a wonderful job opportunity will come of it'. Or... 'if I tell people the story about how my whole family died somebody will have had the same thing happen to them and then we can be friends and bond over it.' I am not kidding that is how I think. Is it crazy? Why do I have this need to share everything?
While I am going to refrain from going into detail about our situation I will say that I am trying my hardest to look at this is in a positive light. I am trying to see this as our new adventure. We are going to have to find somewhere to live right? Maybe it will be in my dream place (not even sure where that even is anymore) and it will be our dream neighborhood and we will find so much happiness and joy there. I am trying to practice "The Secret" I am going to try reading the book again and try actually going through the motions of "putting it out there". Letting the universe know that I am ready. So ready for a change and ready for stability, happiness and peace.
As this adventure goes on and as all the good things begin to happen for us I will keep you posted and then, and only then (I am saying this in case the husband is reading) will I tell the whole story. I really do think that someday I will need to write a book. Because I am not kidding you I know I have spilled it on here but I promise I have not even begun to touch on the crazy that is my life. Things I have to tell are things that make people say "Oh my gosh your life is a Dr. Phil series of episodes" notice how I didn't just say one episode, we are talking 3 part series. Anyway once I have people's permission or once the people in question are no longer with us (In this part I am NOT referring to my husband) I will tell my whole story. Until then I will have to remain cryptic and mysterious... just kidding not really that mysterious.

Staycation wrap-up...

Well it's 6:20 on Sunday evening, which of course means my staycation is coming to an end. Tomorrow I will go back to work and all the chaos that is kindergarten summer camp. Before I go back to work though I thought I would re-cap my last 4 days. My inspiration for this is a journal I kept one time when I was a little girl and I went on a "vacation" to my grandparents house while my parents went on a real vacation. I love looking back and reading what my grandma Nina and I wrote about my time that I spent with them. I had such a good time just hanging with them at their house. Of course we ate way too much and my mom swore that every time I stayed with them when she would come pick me up I had gained like 10 pounds! But the memories were sweet and it was a great time in my life.
So the first night (last Wednesday) I started my time off by going to dinner with friends and celebrating a birthday. It was nice to be out with adults and I even had a Midori margarita. I sat next to my friend Kristin
and we talked about blogging a lot and that is always fun. (BTW visit her blog she is an incredible artist and has a wonderful giveaway right now if you are interested). Then of course after dinner Chris and I made a trip to the grocery store. My mom used to make fun of us because whenever we had a date night we had to end it with a trip to either Target or the grocery store. I don't know what's wrong with us, it's just how we roll. When we got home I started cleaning out my closet. Now if you have ever been to my house or even seen pictures of my house you might know that I am a little bit of a neat freak. I like my home to always, always look neat and clean. No mail on the counters, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry stacked on couches or chairs... you get the picture. So anyway here is my dirty little secret, my drawers and closets? TOTAL DISASTER! I am not kidding on the floor of my closet was 5 loads of laundry. Now this wasn't supposed to be laundry, these weren't dirty clothes, they were things that I have tried on and then decided not to wear and then in a haste just "set" read: threw over to the side. Well once the clothes have been sitting there for a while you kinda have to wash them again. I will not bore you with the details of my cleaning but suffice it to say that it was a much needed purge and I actually ended up finding lots of things I had been missing. Yay me!
Thursday the girls and I had lunch with old friends we hadn't seen in a while and it was fantastic. I loved seeing this mother and daughter and miss them so much. After lunch we drove out to Riverside to pick up Allison's bff so that she could come stay with us for a few days. The good thing is her mom is my bff so it worked out nicely for me also :). We had a great time at the mall, we got to go to NORDSTROM and that? Always makes me happy, even when I can't necessarily afford to buy a whole lot. We did a little back to school shopping so the girls and I were all happy. We stopped at Chick Fil A on the way home and the girl that worked there offered my girls a free ice cream cone that she had made by mistake and I swear to God I thought these girls were going to pass out from excitement. One ice cream cone between all 3 of them and you would have thought they hit the lotto. So so embarrassing. They made noises when they ate it. Again, so embarrassing.
Friday I don't really remember what we did. Hmm, maybe laid out by the pool? I don't know but I am sure it was fun and we relaxed. I wonder what we did for dinner. I have no idea, I swear I am losing my mind. Well let's just fast forward to Saturday. Oh Saturday what a wonderful day you were. We laid out by the pool, got really tan. The girls put lemon in their hair and used tanning oil along with their sunscreen. We listened to music and we laughed. It was great. I made homemade pinto beans and barbacoa. It cooked all day long. The house smelled wonderful. We had fresh fruit to snack on and cold cuts for lunch. It really was a great day. Saturday night my friend Amanda came over (hi Amanda) and she enjoyed our Mexican feast with us. I made raspberry mojitos and it was great!

During the last 4 days we made several trips to Target of course, that kind of goes without saying. I read my book (can you believe that I am just now reading eat, pray, love?) I also found some really great new blogs to follow. My favorite one is written by Kathryn. Oh my gosh I am not kidding you she had me laughing out loud. You have to check her out.
I loved having the time off and even though we didn't get a chance to go anywhere we really enjoyed ourselves. And the absolute best part? I didn't have to pack or unpack! I can't wait until my next staycation.

Staycation...

I remember last year reading in Parenting magazine or some "family" mag that "staycations" were the new vacations since the recession hit. At the time I thought 'if I tell my kids we are going on a staycation they will think I am nuts' so I just didn't tell them anything and we didn't go anywhere. We just spent time at home and probably through a few pity parties for ourselves I am sure. This year things have gotten a little crazier, times are even a little tougher and of course we are also dealing with the whole "grandma died" situation. This year the kids are a year older, they have over heard and been a part of the "cutting back" conversations and they understand the term "staycation" so this year we figured, what the heck we are going to make the best of it. We live in a nice house, we have a really nice pool out back. The casita has become our new getaway since it was redecorated and grandma is no longer using it (I know that sounds horrible, and I swear I am not cold, but it's the truth, we have this darling little guest house and we are using it... it is what it is). My big girl packs her bags and takes her friends out there and they can act like they have their own apartment. They love it. They are teenagers and it gives them a freedom they have never known and I think it actually makes Allison feel a little closer to her Grandma. Tomorrow we are going to put on our bathing suits, float on rafts and listen to loud music. I like to think I have the same dance moves they do so I like to listen to the music that they do and get down right along with the teenagers... yes, this totally embarasses them but who cares we're on staycation, anything goes!

This is where you will find us for the next 3 days...

Things kinda suck right now for our family and we are dealing with it every day but we also have so much fun together. I think that is what I wanted this post to reflect. I have been blogging/facebooking lately about the changes we are going through, how hard it has been to lose my mom and quite honestly sometimes it's depressing. But seriously I am so lucky. We have so much fun together, my family. The four of us sing inappropriate Kid Rock songs at the top of our lungs together as we drive down the street. We have been playing indoor golf toss. We have two puzzles out on the kitchen table that we have been working on together. My girls and I laugh together every single day, sometimes we do spit takes we laugh so hard. (I actually just did one an hour or so ago when Allison was telling her bff a story about her boyfriend). We bake cookies, my husband has channeled his inner Betty Crocker lately and has been baking up a storm. As a matter of fact Betty is his new nick name. If you have seen my husband you will think that is even funnier. We really do have fun and we really do genuinely like each other. I think times like this can be character building and hopefully we have learned a lesson. We have learned that when times are good financially we should be saving way more than we spend and once we find a house we like just stay there, we don't always have to have the next bigger, better house in the nicer development, the last house was fine. We will get through this and we will come out the other side stronger, wiser and closer than ever. I know it. I love my family and all that we have. I will embrace the good times and think positively that something good is on the horizon.

Broadening and expanding... my vision of where we will land.

So a couple of posts ago I wrote about how I was jealous that our neighbors are moving to Orange County, because that is where I have been wanting to move for quite some time. It's where I have envisioned us ending up. When I log on the computer a few times a week I check on houses in Orange County, I am even signed up to receive emails from a couple of different real estate agents in that area and they send me daily updates of new listings. All because in the back of my head I have thought 'that is where I want to be'. If you have read my blog before or have known me for a long time you know that I have very little family left and absolutely none here in the desert (well, none that I have a relationship with) so holidays around here can be lonely when our friends are busy. So if we moved to OC we would be closer to my brother Danny and closer to so many friends so that has been my motivation. But then....Chris started looking for a job, a new job, a new adventure. Something that will provide us a nice living and some job security. We have not had either for a while now. We had 16 years of job security for him, he loved what he did, loved where he worked and was very nicely compensated for it and then two years ago along with the economy it all came to a crashing halt. We have been dealing with it for quite a while now all the while not really knowing what was going to happen or where we were going to end up. Then we discovered a website with jobs in his field. Lots of jobs. The only thing is, they are all on the east coast. At first it was just crazy talk. I mean come on, I am a California girl through and through. I have been born and raised here and have only left the state a handful of times in my life. I have lived a very sheltered life. I have been to New York one time and I loved it. It was amazing. All the culture, I mean my God those were my people, I have never seen so many Italian people in my life!! It was wonderful, but I didn't ever consider moving there or that someday I might live close to all that craziness. But then Chris applied for a job in a little town called Amsterdam in New York and the guy called him and was interested in hiring him. As soon as he called we started researching the area (nothing like jumping the gun, right?) and you know what? It was cool. It looked like a really great town. Since then he has sent out many, many more resumes and been contacted by several people. Every single time somebody calls my daughter and I are on the computer as fast as we can researching the town/city/state that they are calling from. I feel like I have been doing a report on small towns across the country. I have learned more about the geography of the east coast and southern states than I did in high school (of course I didn't have any interest in learning it back then!) I think the best part of this has been us talking about it as a family. Discovering new areas, talking about what it would be like if we end up moving. How we would cope, what we would do to make new friends.
Chris and I are not the kind of parents that hide things from our kids or wait until we know exactly what is going to happen before we tell them things. I don't know if it's the best way to parent, but it works for us. It has been working in this situation because it is helping our kids come to terms with the fact that they might have to leave their friends. They are both sad and excited at the same time. Some places for sure look more desirable to them than others and I have had to make a lot of promises to them that I hope I will be able to keep.
I have no idea at this point where we will end up. No idea what God's plan is for us. I do know that I have become an avid pray-er. I have been praying for wisdom, guidance and strength. I pray that when the right opportunity comes along we will know it and grab it.
I am looking forward to going on this adventure with my family and hoping that very soon there will be an answer. I will keep you all posted.
xoxo

Twenty one years later.

Twenty one years ago today my life changed forever. It was that day that my mom called me to tell me that my brother Mike was in the hospital and that I needed to get there quickly, they didn't know if he was going to make it. It was 21 years ago when I saw a fear in my parents eyes that I had never seen before. I watched my parents go through the most gut wrenching experience any parent will ever endure. I, myself was going through the absolute worst thing that I had ever been through. My brother, my idol, my favorite person in the world was dying and there was nothing anybody could do to save him. I was heartbroken, scared, sad and beyond devastated. But you know what? I would go back to that time in a heartbeat. Without question, without thinking twice. Knowing what I know now I would go back just to experience being a family again. Just to feel something as a family. We were suffering, we were broken but we were a whole family. I had a mom, a dad, my brothers and we were whole. So much has changed since then. If someone would have told me that 21 years later they would be gone and the rest of the family as I knew it would fall apart, that there would be no cousins, no more holidays, no more traditions for my own kids to see I never would have believed it.

I am so lucky to have had the family I once had. So fortunate that we were so close and there was so much love. So glad that I knew that love and that feeling of being a part of a family where we all cared about each other and we all came together when we needed to. I never, ever want my kids or anyone else to read my blog and think I am ever feeling sorry for myself. I realize there are so many people who never had what we had. That never know how much their parents love them or never bond with their sibling the way that Mike and I did. I am so grateful that I had it. But you know that saying "it's better to love and lost that to never have loved at all?" sometimes it's true but sometimes it just sucks. When you love somebody or in my case your whole family and you lose them. It sucks. No two ways about it. I can be grateful all day long but when all is said and done it sucks to love and lose. Period.

I think I have written before about how I usually don't make a big deal about dates, I don't cry just because it's a certain day or remember somebody just because it's their birthday or the day they died, but for whatever reason every year on this day I get a little sad. I don't dwell on it or walk around with a mopey face, as a matter of fact at this moment there is not a sole in my house that even knows what today means to me. This year this day means even more, this year it marks what was the beginning of the end. The end was on May 18th when my mom died 21 years after her son. I know 21 years seems like a long time but you know what? It has flown by and I really feel like I lost them all in no time. All of these losses were not just mine, they were also my brother Danny's. He has also lost his whole family. All we have is each other. We rely on each other to remember stories, to recall recipes, to remember relatives names. Thank God we have each other.
Well the day is almost over and I am grateful for that too. I am ready to move on and to think of other things. The future is going to be bright, I know there is something big in the works for our family. I can just feel it. I wake up every morning and pray for it and go to bed praying for it every night. We are ready, we are so ready for big things.

jealousy...

I have always kind of prided myself on the fact that I am not really a jealous person. It's just never been my style. I am usually pretty secure in my relationships, either with my husband or my friends and jealousy isn't usually a feeling I get too often....until about 10 minutes ago. First let me tell you how much I didn't like it. I hate this feeling. I am so glad it doesn't happen often. Anyway, let me cut to the chase here.
For many years I have been wanting to move from where we live. We live in the desert in So. Cal and in the summer it is unbearably hot for me. I hate it. I don't have a lot of really close friends here. I have made lots of friends over the years but there still is nothing like the lifelong friendships that I formed with people I have known from "home". Oh and the couple of really great friends I have met here have both moved to Orange County. And that of course, is where I want to be. I didn't grow up in Orange County, but not far from it at all. I grew up in a smallish town in Los Angeles county called Downey. Downey was great because it was 15 minutes from the beach, LA, Disneyland...really anywhere that we wanted to be. I don't want to move back to Downey because for the most part most of my friends from there are now in... Orange County. (are you seeing the trend here). Recently my husband has kind of been searching for a new job. Business here for what he does is really, really slow. He needs a change. Now what I am going to say next is going to sound biased and I get that. My husband is amazingly talented, hard working and beyond loyal. (see I told you it would sound biased). But really it's all true. He is a cabinet designer. But really he is so much more. He is able to do it all, from conception,design to installation and project management. He has been doing it all for 16 years and has been very successful but the desert is a place where the wealthy people have their 2nd and 3rd homes and they are not putting money into them anymore and so he has kind of lost his niche. So (wow this story is taking way longer than I thought) he has been sending his resume out to cabinet companies and builders all over the place the last few days, and when I say all over the place, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida you name it. Which really, really scares me because really? I just want to move to Orange County. I am a California girl who has lived a pretty sheltered life. I am willing to go wherever he wants to go but I am hoping, praying and wishing that he finds something in OC.
OK so finally, I am going to get the jealousy part. My sweet, young twenty something neighbor just texted me tonight because she wanted to let me know that she and her husband (they were both born and raised here) were moving and their house was going to be empty soon. So of course then I said "aww, we are so sad you are going, where are you moving to? Well you already know the answer right? ORANGE COUNTY!!
Now let me just say that a few months ago this same girl said she had no desire to leave the desert, she has a baby and is pregnant again and didn't want to leave her mom, but now guess what? Her family? IS GOING WITH THEM! Shut the frickin door, not only are they moving but they get to take her fam with them!!!
HELP! I hate this feeling!
Please say a little prayer for my husband tonight and for me too. Ask that we can get to move there too...it's where we need to be. My family is pretty much gone now and my brother Danny lives in Corona and we would be closer to him and my new brother Randy lives in Oregon and we are still getting to know each other and if I  move all the way to New York I feel like I will never get the chance to get to know him or his family. Oh and since we are praying and wishin maybe we can do something about this whole jealousy thing. Just sayin.
xoxo
Nina

So Relax

So Relax, that's the name of the massage place Korean torture chamber at the mall. OH MY GOD I swear I have just been violated. First of all let me just say that the word "relax" does not translate in Korean, I think in Korean it means "kick this ladies ass". My husband and I strolled into the storefront this evening to each get a 15 minute massage. Well let me tell you it was quite an experience. For the first five minutes I was waiting for someone to jump out and tell me I was on candid camera. My massage began with a woman, a smallish woman who had to lay her whole body on me to reach my shoulders. I am only 5'3". So as if her laying up against me wasn't awkward enough she then started my "massage". I seriously thought I was going to cry she was hurting me so bad, then all of a sudden mid-massage we had a "change" a man (who I like to think is her husband) started giving me a massage (hello, can we say awkward again). He thought it was a good idea to start that whole pounding thing that they do, which I totally don't get but whateves. Then he took my arms one a time and put them behing my back and made sounds as he pulled each one of my fingers, like a popping noise. I am not kidding their were sound effects. Oh and I forgot to mention that the whole time this was going on instead of soothing spa type music, all I could hear was the kiddie train's whistle blowing away on the lower level of the mall and all of the workers, (massage therapists) talking back and forth very loudly and I am pretty sure I heard one of them say "good job, I think you are going to leave bruises on the chubby ladies back."

The Loner.

That's me. The loner. I don't know when it began or how it happened but it has probably been longer than I care to admit. I spend most of my time alone. Upstairs alone in my bedroom. I am not up here throwing a pity party or playing the martyr. I just want to be alone. Sometimes I hate it, I won't lie. I don't hate it because I don't want to be alone, I hate it because it's so different from who I used to be. I used to love to be with lots of people. I loved hanging with my family at night. Tonight is a typical Friday night in our house. My husband and kids are downstairs watching a movie and I am up here on the computer, with the TV on as background noise and my book on my nightstand waiting to be read. and honestly that is how I want it to be.  I used to play bunco, I used to have lots of friends. I have shut them out, turned them away. Now here I am, and really for the most part I am so okay with it. My husband and I have a great marriage, I absolutely adore my kids but I just like being alone. As a matter of fact I am happy most of the time. I have learned to like myself a lot more. I have gotten to know myself so much better. When I was younger I wanted so badly to please everyone around me and sometimes lost myself and my own beliefs because of it. As I have gotten older I have gotten more opinionated, more abrasive and less tolerant of people that are offensive or annoying. I know that sounds harsh but that is the other thing that has happened. I have become brutally honest. I miss entertaining people and being with friends. I love to cook, I am a typical Italian mama in so many ways, but yet for now at this time in my life I am just happy to hang with myself. I think someday it might change and it probably has so much to do with everything we have been through in the last two years. We have lost a lot. We have lost income, material things and a way of life. I have lost my mother. So much of the time I feel as other people don't understand where I am coming from so I just pull away. I am writing this post because I want my kids to understand someday where I was at emotionally and mentally at this point in my life. I want them to know that it's not them I am hiding from up here in the bedroom. It's just me getting to know myself better.

Procrastination.

So here I sit, in my room. On the computer. I have a list, I literally made a list of things to do tonight and yet I keep finding reason after reason to log on. First, of course I had to check facebook.Then I had to research four or five different things. All the while the tasks on my list nagging me and making me feel bad for not doing them. One of the things on my list is to find my social security card. I have no idea where to look. Then I need to find a letter that I had found the day before my mom died. It was a letter she had written to me a few months before she died. I read it, cried and then put it somewhee for safe keeping. Well apparantely it  was a good spot. I also need to find a bag of jewelry that was my mom and my grandma's stuff. No idea where I put it. Oh and the other thing on my list? Laundry of course.
I guess while I am here I should talk about how awesome our 4th of July weekend was. We headed out of town to Orange County. We went to see my girlfriend Melissa, her daughter (who is one of Allison's very, very best friends since they were 3) and Melissa's boyfriend and his boys. We have made it kind of a tradition and this is the 3rd year in a row we have spent with them. The 4th of July where we live is typically pretty miserably hot and we are always so happy to get out of the heat. We had so much fun just hanging with our friends. We went to lunch, did a little shopping and then went to dinner on Saturday night. Sunday we hung at their house all day and barbecued and then we went to watch fireworks. It was so good to get out of the desert and get my mind on other things. I think it was good for all of us.

When we were driving  home yesterday I told my husband that when I was a little girl our neighbor died, she was the mother of the family. They were from Europe, I am not sure what country, maybe Yugoslavia. Anyway when she died I remember the whole family went into "mourning" I remember they had a specific period of time that they had to grieve, I think it was like 6 months. I remember thinking "wow, that's a long time" but you know what in some ways I think it's a good idea. Not necessarily for 6 months but the idea of having some sort of "official grieving period" isn't so bad. I know that there are some people that think we should be moving on. That we should be "over" my mom dying. I have another memory of my girlfriend coming over about 6 months after my brother died and my parents were having a particularly rough day and when we walked into my bedroom she asked me what was wrong with my parents, and I told her that they were sad, they missed Mike. She looked at me and said "still?" I thought 'hmm, she doesn't understand what it's like to lose someone. He was their son for 26 years, you don't get over that in 6 months. I don't think you ever get over it. I have had some people already make comments to me about maybe being "relieved" without having the responsibility of my mom anymore. That "relief" hasn't kicked in yet. The mourning hasn't stopped, the grieving comes and goes. We still laugh, we have fun and sometimes we cry. I don't know how long my "mourning period" will be. I guess it will just go on for as long as I need it to.
My mom died 49 days ago she was my mom for 41 years. I think I can still cry and be sad if I want to.
Today I met with one of my mom's friends. She was one of her friends that was actually here with her when she died. She was talking about how close my mom and I were and she said "you guys were so close that even when you were driving each other crazy you still had to call each other and give each other updates on your day" she said that my mom had said to her a couple of months ago that she really was going to try to stop calling me so many times a day. She knew it was bugging me and she knew I was too busy but still she called. She would call me all day long with random stories about what she was doing and how her day was going. She would call me and tell me what was going on in her different t.v. shows that she watched during the day. She particurlarly loved to update me on her court shows. Yes, she was a Judge Judy fan. She liked me to know what was happening with the feisty old broad. I am not a fan of court shows, nor do I even begin to care what was happening on the show. She knew it, she knew that I didn't want to hear it and still she called.
She would laugh right now if she heard me say this, but I am not kidding, today I would love a Judge Judy update.
I am going to log off now and I swear I am going to check at least one thing off my list before I go to sleep. I really am.

Happy Birthday Mom

Dear Mom,
Today is your birthday. Well even though you aren't here we celebrated anyway. I made your favorite dinner, barbecued chopped chicken salad and Allison baked you a bundt cake just like she did last year.
I have to tell you mom these last 46 days or so have been really tough. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time and so many times I reach for the phone to call you.
 I know today would have been kind of a big deal to you because you talked about wanting to live until your birthday all the time. I am so sorry that you didn't make it. I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much.
Your friends have been so good to me and they really miss you too. I think tonight I will call Irene and see how she is doing, she is really sad without you.
I know I didn't say it enough, and I am so sorry for not saying it more but mom I love you. I wish that we wouldn't have argued so much. Now that you are gone I realize how much I relied on you for support, advice and just someone to vent to. You were a great mom to have and I am so lucky that I had you for the 41 years that I did.
I hope that you have found some peace and that you are with Dad and Mike. Everyone says that you are.
I hate being without you guys but I am glad that you all have each other.
Your grand daughters miss you so much too mom. They talk about you quite often. We always imitate you and say things that we think you would have said. I am so thankful for the time that they spent with you and for well they knew you. You were an amazing grandma to them and they will never forget you.
Well I am going to go wipe my tears, suck it up and have some of your birthday cake mom.
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Nina

Dear Nina

You know that Brad Paisley song where  he sings about writing a letter to his 17 year old self? Well that concept has always intrigued me. The idea of being able to go back in time and give yourself some advice. Some introspect into life and how to deal with things. I was thinking about it today and there are so many things I would say to my young self so here it goes...

Dear Nina
Sweet, innocent, so nice, beautiful Nina. Hahahaha jk okay let me start again.

Dear Nina,
It's me. You as an old lady writing yourself a letter filled with advice and life lessons that might come in handy over the next 20 years or so.
Okay so first of all young lady stop ditching school! You are way smarter than you realize and someday  you might have something cool to offer to this world you need to spend more time studying and less time on the phone...just like your dad says. A good education is important and you really need to focus.

You really need to spend more time with your family. Stop feeling like you have to be with your friends 24 hours a day. Those people who live in your house? They aren't going to be around for long you need to spend as much time with them as you can. You need to tell them you love them more often and you need to listen when your parents tell stories of their childhood. Maybe even take notes, your memory isn't going to be so great in the future. Speaking of your family, you need to embrace your culturee, you really need to learn more about it, ask questions, learn some of the language. Be proud to be Sicilian, later on in life you will regret not knowing more.
Don't be so lazy, get more active. You need to exercise not just to be in shape but to feel better later on. Don't rely on diet pills to keep you in shape. You will wish you had never tried them later.
Loosen up. Don't be such a prude. Life is an adventure, and it's really short so start living. Have fun, take more chances and get out and see the world. Believe it or not California doesn't end in Huntington Beach, you can actually just keep going! You can jump in the car anytime and drive where ever you want. Take more risks. 
Get to know your grandparents on both sides better, like really talk to them, ask questions. Find out where you come from, who your ancestors were. Some of their lives were probably pretty interesting.
The most important thing I can tell you is to be prepared. Life gets tough. Sometimes you don't think you can do it. Sometimes things hurt so bad you just want to crawl in a hole. When your heart aches so bad you can't breathe, just relax. It will get better. You will see more than your share of heartache, you will lose lots of people that you love.
Oh and I know it's crazy, but when you are dating this guy Chris for only 30 days and he asks you to marry him? Totally go for it. It will be what makes your life worth living. People will think your crazy but trust me it works.
Love,
Me

Hope, pray and wish...

One day at a time. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict but I am living by their mantra right now. Every day I wake up and wonder how today is going to go. Am I going to be sad today? Am I going to miss my mom so much today that my chest hurts? Are my kids going to be sad today? Will I go to work and stay so busy that I don't think about it? I never know. Some days is are better than others and some days I feel like everything is normal. This weekend has been a  pretty good weekend. I have had a few moments but for the most part I have felt fine. Not too many tears, not very many moments of 'oh my gosh my mom isn't here' realizations. My kids seem to be doing a little better too.

 Last week I was up late and the house was quiet. I headed downstairs at about 11:30 to get something to drink, I popped my head in the girls rooms to check on them. My youngest daughter was sound asleep, exhausted from a full day at acting camp. My oldest was sitting in her dark room all alone with nothing but the light from her ipod. I looked at her and saw that she was crying. I said "babe, what's wrong?" She shook her head and said nothing. I asked her to come downstairs with me. When we got downstairs she admitted that she was missing her grandma and that she had been texting my mom's cell phone telling her that she loved her and that she missed her. That? Was about as heartbreaking as it gets. I thought I was the only one sending my mom text messages or calling her phones (house and cell even though I had them both disconnected) just so I could see "mom" come up in my call log.

Every day is a new day for us as far as our grieving goes. We never know what is going to happen to us that might remind us of this huge loss we have had in our home. What one of us might say that reminds the other one of something grandma might say or we  might go to a store that she loved to go to and then immediately all 4 of us are imitating her as we walk through the store and thinking of all the funny things she would have said. We all miss her. The best part is that we have each other. I have 3 other people that lived here with me and my mom. Three people who truly saw the dynamics of our relationship . They knew that even though I complained about her incessantly and even though we argued all the time I also couldn't go more than a couple hours without talking to her. I didn't make many decisions without consulting her first. They saw first hand how awesome our relationship had become, especially in the last 6 months of her life. They also see me breakdown at least once a day and they understand why.

I hope that tomorrow is a good day. I pray that my children won't miss their grandma too much. I think I will even make that my 11:11 wish tomorrow, I will wish that I didn't miss her so much.

Until then we will see.

xoxo

Nina

the other side of me...

Since I have had some new readers lately and have been making a few new friends in blog world I thought maybe I would write a post about me. I thought maybe some of you would like to know a little more about me and let's be honest who doesn't want to just sit and talk about themselves! Ha! If you are new here and are under the impression that my blog is about grieving and mourning your are in for a surprise. I started this blog months before my mom died, before I was even taking care of her full time. I started this blog because I wanted my kids to have a place where they could read about my family, long before I lost my mom I lost most of my other family members and have always been afraid that my kids wouldn't know any of these people or my memories of them unless I wrote them down somewhere. Then after I started writing I found out I had another brother. So then of course I had to tell that story, cause really finding out that your mom had another kid and forgot to mention it to you 41 years later is kinda crazy!

So here I am all these months later and I am totally in love with blogging and I love telling my story and love meeting new people in the blogosphere. But yesterday I was thinking maybe I should tell you all a little about me. I am a mother, wife, sister, aunt, teacher and friend. I am crafty and love to create things. For several years I was a stay at home mom and for extra income I scrap booked for people. I enjoyed it but burned out after a few years. The irony of course is that I have a scrapbook room in my home and did it for strangers for years and am so behind on my books I need to hire somebody to get me up to date! I also love to make things for people and sometimes think I should try to sell things on etsy but then my ADD kicks in and then I move on to something else before I ever get a chance to list anything! I am adding a few pictures of some of the things that I have made in the past. I love making things a few times then I get tired of it and want to make something else. Story of my life. Fickle girl.

I am also a cheer mom. A total pain in the butt cheer mom. Just kidding I am not crazy, I am not going to put a hit out on any girls who get in my girls way or might be better than my daughter. I just enjoy having a daughter who cheers. I guess on some level it allows me to live vicariously through her since I was never a cheerleader or as cute and popular as she is when I was in high school. She is the quintessential cheerleader. Tall. Blond. Thin. I should really trip her or beat her up but I love her so I will leave her alone. I never thought in a million years that I would love having a teenage daughter and love her friends so much I have always worked with young children and they are so cute and teenagers can be so moody but here I am hanging with the teenagers. I am the team mom, they dubbed me that not me. I love to host the parties, I love to hear about their lives and give them advice. It has been great having them around. The best part is I have another daughter who is 5 years younger so that means I get to keep doing this for so many years! I don't think that my younger daughter will be the cheerleader type but she is very talented in her own right. She is quite an awesome little actress and is very involved in several acting companies/groups. She loves to sing and perform for anybody who will listen. She amazes me. I could never stand up in front of a crowd and do the things she does. She is incredibly smart and has an amazing ability to memorize all her lines (and everyone else's) and every single time she is in a show/play she blows me away and brings me to tears. I would imagine that when she gets to high school she will be involved in the performing arts and then I will get to know that whole crowd. I can't wait. In some ways both of my girls are a lot like me but in some ways they are everything I have never been and I love that. I love being able to see the other side.

So that's it. That is who I am and what is going on in my life at the moment. See it's not all crying and grieving. We have fun around here too. As a matter of fact right now, I need to get off the computer so I can go make some goodies for the girls to surprise the girls with at cheer camp next week. I will post pictures later so just in case on of those nosey little brats logs on here they won't see what they are getting! Thanks for reading!