Procrastination.

So here I sit, in my room. On the computer. I have a list, I literally made a list of things to do tonight and yet I keep finding reason after reason to log on. First, of course I had to check facebook.Then I had to research four or five different things. All the while the tasks on my list nagging me and making me feel bad for not doing them. One of the things on my list is to find my social security card. I have no idea where to look. Then I need to find a letter that I had found the day before my mom died. It was a letter she had written to me a few months before she died. I read it, cried and then put it somewhee for safe keeping. Well apparantely it  was a good spot. I also need to find a bag of jewelry that was my mom and my grandma's stuff. No idea where I put it. Oh and the other thing on my list? Laundry of course.
I guess while I am here I should talk about how awesome our 4th of July weekend was. We headed out of town to Orange County. We went to see my girlfriend Melissa, her daughter (who is one of Allison's very, very best friends since they were 3) and Melissa's boyfriend and his boys. We have made it kind of a tradition and this is the 3rd year in a row we have spent with them. The 4th of July where we live is typically pretty miserably hot and we are always so happy to get out of the heat. We had so much fun just hanging with our friends. We went to lunch, did a little shopping and then went to dinner on Saturday night. Sunday we hung at their house all day and barbecued and then we went to watch fireworks. It was so good to get out of the desert and get my mind on other things. I think it was good for all of us.

When we were driving  home yesterday I told my husband that when I was a little girl our neighbor died, she was the mother of the family. They were from Europe, I am not sure what country, maybe Yugoslavia. Anyway when she died I remember the whole family went into "mourning" I remember they had a specific period of time that they had to grieve, I think it was like 6 months. I remember thinking "wow, that's a long time" but you know what in some ways I think it's a good idea. Not necessarily for 6 months but the idea of having some sort of "official grieving period" isn't so bad. I know that there are some people that think we should be moving on. That we should be "over" my mom dying. I have another memory of my girlfriend coming over about 6 months after my brother died and my parents were having a particularly rough day and when we walked into my bedroom she asked me what was wrong with my parents, and I told her that they were sad, they missed Mike. She looked at me and said "still?" I thought 'hmm, she doesn't understand what it's like to lose someone. He was their son for 26 years, you don't get over that in 6 months. I don't think you ever get over it. I have had some people already make comments to me about maybe being "relieved" without having the responsibility of my mom anymore. That "relief" hasn't kicked in yet. The mourning hasn't stopped, the grieving comes and goes. We still laugh, we have fun and sometimes we cry. I don't know how long my "mourning period" will be. I guess it will just go on for as long as I need it to.
My mom died 49 days ago she was my mom for 41 years. I think I can still cry and be sad if I want to.
Today I met with one of my mom's friends. She was one of her friends that was actually here with her when she died. She was talking about how close my mom and I were and she said "you guys were so close that even when you were driving each other crazy you still had to call each other and give each other updates on your day" she said that my mom had said to her a couple of months ago that she really was going to try to stop calling me so many times a day. She knew it was bugging me and she knew I was too busy but still she called. She would call me all day long with random stories about what she was doing and how her day was going. She would call me and tell me what was going on in her different t.v. shows that she watched during the day. She particurlarly loved to update me on her court shows. Yes, she was a Judge Judy fan. She liked me to know what was happening with the feisty old broad. I am not a fan of court shows, nor do I even begin to care what was happening on the show. She knew it, she knew that I didn't want to hear it and still she called.
She would laugh right now if she heard me say this, but I am not kidding, today I would love a Judge Judy update.
I am going to log off now and I swear I am going to check at least one thing off my list before I go to sleep. I really am.