Friday, July 9, 2010

The Loner.

That's me. The loner. I don't know when it began or how it happened but it has probably been longer than I care to admit. I spend most of my time alone. Upstairs alone in my bedroom. I am not up here throwing a pity party or playing the martyr. I just want to be alone. Sometimes I hate it, I won't lie. I don't hate it because I don't want to be alone, I hate it because it's so different from who I used to be. I used to love to be with lots of people. I loved hanging with my family at night. Tonight is a typical Friday night in our house. My husband and kids are downstairs watching a movie and I am up here on the computer, with the TV on as background noise and my book on my nightstand waiting to be read. and honestly that is how I want it to be.  I used to play bunco, I used to have lots of friends. I have shut them out, turned them away. Now here I am, and really for the most part I am so okay with it. My husband and I have a great marriage, I absolutely adore my kids but I just like being alone. As a matter of fact I am happy most of the time. I have learned to like myself a lot more. I have gotten to know myself so much better. When I was younger I wanted so badly to please everyone around me and sometimes lost myself and my own beliefs because of it. As I have gotten older I have gotten more opinionated, more abrasive and less tolerant of people that are offensive or annoying. I know that sounds harsh but that is the other thing that has happened. I have become brutally honest. I miss entertaining people and being with friends. I love to cook, I am a typical Italian mama in so many ways, but yet for now at this time in my life I am just happy to hang with myself. I think someday it might change and it probably has so much to do with everything we have been through in the last two years. We have lost a lot. We have lost income, material things and a way of life. I have lost my mother. So much of the time I feel as other people don't understand where I am coming from so I just pull away. I am writing this post because I want my kids to understand someday where I was at emotionally and mentally at this point in my life. I want them to know that it's not them I am hiding from up here in the bedroom. It's just me getting to know myself better.

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