Hope, pray and wish...

One day at a time. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict but I am living by their mantra right now. Every day I wake up and wonder how today is going to go. Am I going to be sad today? Am I going to miss my mom so much today that my chest hurts? Are my kids going to be sad today? Will I go to work and stay so busy that I don't think about it? I never know. Some days is are better than others and some days I feel like everything is normal. This weekend has been a  pretty good weekend. I have had a few moments but for the most part I have felt fine. Not too many tears, not very many moments of 'oh my gosh my mom isn't here' realizations. My kids seem to be doing a little better too.

 Last week I was up late and the house was quiet. I headed downstairs at about 11:30 to get something to drink, I popped my head in the girls rooms to check on them. My youngest daughter was sound asleep, exhausted from a full day at acting camp. My oldest was sitting in her dark room all alone with nothing but the light from her ipod. I looked at her and saw that she was crying. I said "babe, what's wrong?" She shook her head and said nothing. I asked her to come downstairs with me. When we got downstairs she admitted that she was missing her grandma and that she had been texting my mom's cell phone telling her that she loved her and that she missed her. That? Was about as heartbreaking as it gets. I thought I was the only one sending my mom text messages or calling her phones (house and cell even though I had them both disconnected) just so I could see "mom" come up in my call log.

Every day is a new day for us as far as our grieving goes. We never know what is going to happen to us that might remind us of this huge loss we have had in our home. What one of us might say that reminds the other one of something grandma might say or we  might go to a store that she loved to go to and then immediately all 4 of us are imitating her as we walk through the store and thinking of all the funny things she would have said. We all miss her. The best part is that we have each other. I have 3 other people that lived here with me and my mom. Three people who truly saw the dynamics of our relationship . They knew that even though I complained about her incessantly and even though we argued all the time I also couldn't go more than a couple hours without talking to her. I didn't make many decisions without consulting her first. They saw first hand how awesome our relationship had become, especially in the last 6 months of her life. They also see me breakdown at least once a day and they understand why.

I hope that tomorrow is a good day. I pray that my children won't miss their grandma too much. I think I will even make that my 11:11 wish tomorrow, I will wish that I didn't miss her so much.

Until then we will see.

xoxo

Nina