Last night my husband came to bed and we were talking about random stuff (probably the kids) then he walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to brush his teeth. I don't know what happened, I don't know where it came from but I just lay there and started crying. Poor guy he didn't even know what he did! He came back and said "oh honey why are you crying?, don't cry it makes me so sad" but I couldn't help it. In the last month since my mom died (it's actually been a little more than a month) at random times during the day or night while I am doing things that don't pertain to my mother at all I just start crying. I hate it. Today I was at work and I walked into the kitchen and just started crying. Ugh it's awful. The only good thing is it goes away pretty quickly after it begins. It's as if my mom is there saying "it's okay Nina you can cry a little but pull yourself together for God's sake!" The funny thing is it always happens when I least expect it but then when I think something is going to be really hard I am totally fine. Tonight one of my mom's girlfriends was coming over to get all of my mom's clothes, shoes and bedding. She is donating it to a woman's shelter for me. I stressed about it all day. I knew this was going to be tough. I knew that watching her stuff leave this house and even just looking at it again was going to break me. Not one tear was shed. I just looked through it, talked to her girlfriend a little about some of the stuff, watched as my husband put the dress that my mom wore to my wedding in the car and I was totally fine. Grieving sucks. It's like the old saying "when you least expect it, expect it". I never know when it's going to hit me or how hard but when it does I just have to go with it. I have said before that going shopping at certain stores, Marshall's, Target, Albertsons those places kill me. I still haven't been able to go to Fresh and Easy. I mean can you imagine? I can look at her clothes, the things she loved and be totally fine but the idea of going to a market sends me into a total meltdown mode. I know that as soon as I walk in there I will be bawling.
I feel bad for my family, I hate that they have to watch me go through this. I wish that I could only grieve privately, that no one would have to know that I miss her so much that I can't even stand it sometimes. You know that feeling you get when someone is crying and you feel like there is nothing you can do to help them? That is the position I feel like I put my girls and my husband in and I hate that. I do not like making people feel uncomfortable. I am working on this and trying to make it better. Trying to deal with my feelings and not feel guilty for mourning the death of my mom. But it's hard. This whole thing is just hard. I look forward to the day when the heartache is just a dull pain and the thought of the family I once had doesn't make me so incredibly sad. I look forward to the day that all of this is just a distant memory and one more lesson in my life.