grateful....

Hmm, grateful. This is something I am struggling with every single day. Learning how to be grateful.
Yesterday was 4 weeks since my mom died. July will be the 21st and 18th year anniversary of my brother and my dad's deaths. Last year my husband left his job, he left after 16 years of working his tail off and being the most loyal employee anyone could ever have. He had to leave because we were on the verge of losing everything. His income had gone down 60% and they had stripped him of all of his benefits. His new job is OK, it's not the perfect job, but it's working. This morning I had to go urgent care (oh we still don't have health insurance) because I have not been able to speak for 3 days and I feel like crap. I have already missed so much work because of my mom's death it's ridiculous but today I had to leave again. The PA just sat there and listened while I cried and whispered (no voice) about how awful I felt and how my mom dying might have something to do with it. Yesterday when my youngest daughter was walking out the back door to go spend sometime in the casita (where my mom lived) she shut the door on her foot. She was outside and her toes were still in the house. I had to run out through the front door and go around back and pull her out. Her two smallest toes appear to be broken and she ripped a lot of skin off. This is all just par for the course of my life lately.
So having put all of that out there maybe you can understand why I have been struggling with being grateful. After I went and picked up my prescriptions this morning I was driving home crying and trying to decide what I am grateful for, trying to look on the bright side and be positive, which quite honestly has been hard lately because lately I am just mad. But in spite of my anger I think I came up with a few things.
I am so, so grateful for my family. My husband and my daughters. They really are amazing. They have been so good to me during all of this and we have all stuck together and formed an even stronger bond than we had before. My sweet 9 year old daughter is always so worried about me and always trying to cheer me up. She is constantly hugging me and loving me. My teenage daughter is my best friend. She and I share everything with each other and have gotten each other through this. My husband has been so unbelievably patient and kind. I know there have been times when he normally would have lost it with me but due to the circumstances has sucked it up and been sweet.
I am grateful for my friends. My friends that I grew up with have been so good to me, not just because they love me but because they loved my mom. They spent so much time at my house growing up and they have great memories of my parents. This has been there loss too in a way and they are feeling it. They call me all the time to check on me, they have sent cards and messages letting me know they are there. I am so grateful for that.
I am grateful for my two brothers, my half brothers that have been my saving grace. Danny, (and his awesome family) who I have a lifetime of memories with and has been through so much tragedy with me. He is always so supportive in his quiet way but is the best big brother in the world. No matter how many family members we lose or what the circumstances are he remains strong. I look up to him and love him for it.
Randy, my new brother. Even though I have only even known about him for 6 months we have already formed a bond. He is a great guy and is dealing with so much himself right now. Two weeks after my mom died (his birth mother, that he never got to speak to) his father died. Yes, my mom's ex-husband died two weeks after she did. So Randy has been dealing with everything with his dad and his mom (the mom who raised him) and I feel for him because I know this can't be easy. But through it all he has kept his sense of humor and is handling it so well. I am so grateful for his open mind and his open heart.
I am grateful for my friends here in the desert too. So many of them have offered help when I was planning everything, bringing over dinners and having my house cleaned for me, they really are good friends. I know it hasn't been easy for them because in the last year or so I have become socially inept and am not always the easiest friend for them to have but they are patient and kind and for that I am grateful,.
I am grateful for my mom's friends. The one's that stood by her side during some very difficult times in her life. That understood why she chose to do some of the things she did and put up with her criticism even when there feelings were hurt. They have been so good to me and call and check on me all the time. For that I am so grateful
So there it is. The things that in spite of my anger I am grateful for. I know that someday soon my anger will subside and I will be able to be social again, and look on the bright side of things, I look forward to that day. And when that day comes I will be so grateful.