Monday, May 17, 2010

I am losing her...

As we get older and our parents get older too we kind of prepare ourselves for the inevitable, we know logically that at some point our parents will be gone. You know as they age and become grandparents that there will come a day when we will have to say goodbye. That day is coming close for me. Today hospice workers came to my home and tried to prepare me, to explain to me how this will all happen. they were so wonderful, kind and comforting. I was so grateful that they were here. The whole time they were here I was stoic. I controlled my emotions, completely, even keeping my sense of humor and letting them think I was so strong. As soon as I was alone, after they were gone and my kids were out of earshot I lost it. I have bawled like a baby all day. I am crying now as I type. I don't want to do this. I have done it many times before, but I have never ever done this as the primary caregiver, I have always been the "assistant". I don't think I am ready. I don't even know who to call. My mind is blank. I was told today that I shouldn't call 911 anymore, that if something happens to just call them and a nurse will come immediately. This is because my mom has a DNR order, which means she doesn't want any drastic measures taken to save her. She just wants peace. This woman has had so much tragedy, trauma and suffering in her life. All I can hope and pray for is that she finds that peace.

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