About 17 hours after I wrote my last post my mother quietly, peacefully passed away. She just couldn't fight to breathe any longer, and quite frankly I don't blame her. Her struggle was long and she fought it bravely and hard. She is without a doubt the biggest influence and inspiration in my life. Her strength amazed me daily.
Since the day she died (almost 4 days ago now) I have been making more decisions than I care to. While I am usually a quick decision maker and do not like to vascilate much these decisions have been different, they are the kind that make your heart ache, the kind that nobody wants to make. While the out pouring of love and support for me and my family has been overwhelming and so touching the final decisions, no matter how much support I have are all left up to me. If I am being honest here so much of the time I still feel like a little girl, like the youngest in the family still waiting for help. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water to make the to do lists, to check the items off one at a time. Every morning when I get up I put on my brave face and forge ahead. I want my girls to see me handling this with strength and grace, I also want them to see me breakdown when I need to so that they know that's ok too.
Before my mom died (still trying so hard to get used to saying that) I loved being alone, my peace was found in my solitude. It was when I did my best thinking and when I was my most productive, no distractions so I was able to get things done. Now it seems like when I am along all I do is think and right now thinking about anything other than my to do list just makes me cry. Literally. So I find myself clinging to my kids and my husband, not wanting them to go to school or work but wanting them to stay with me so I can have someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to look at me and say "whats for dinner?" so that I can keep my mind on the day to day tasks instead of the real task, planning my moms memorial.
I know that before long this will all be over and our lives will go on. The kids will be busy, I will be preparing my classroom for the big school year ahead, Chris will be working on new jobs and this time in my life will seem like a distant memory. So much of it forgotten so soon. Which is why I am writing this blog in the first place right? "So they will always remember".... it's the theme of my life right now, trying to preserve everyones memories of my mother and document my own thoughts and memories so that I never ever forget.
Today I will sit down and write my moms eulogy. I know, it's crazy. I know that I will cry when I read it. But it's also been a huge regret of mine for so many years, I always wished that I had spoken at my grandfathers, my brother and my father's funerals. I used to tell my mom that all the time, that I wish I would have said my piece, that people could have heard how I felt. This time they will hear me. This time I will make my mom proud.
I am going to sign off now as the sun is rising and the day is beginning, it's time to wipe my tears and put my brave face on...