Thursday, January 6, 2011

Big Dreamer

I am a dreamer. I am forever coming up with ideas of things that I want to do for a living, businesses I want to open, jobs I want to look for... but to no avail. I never follow through. I have pretty severe ADD. When I say pretty severe, I kind of test off the charts. I was first diagnosed when I was 23. I didn't do anything about it for many, many years. I didn't believe in medicine. I didn't think I needed it. I felt that I had gone so long living this way that I could keep doing it. The biggest misconception of people with attention deficit disorder (not quite the same as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is that we are lazy. That we lack motivation. It's so the opposite. Our minds never stop working. Years ago there was a commercial for an ADD medication and the commentator comes on and says "do you feel like there is a remote control in your mind and it never stops changing channels." That is how we live. Non stop thinking, non stop planning. But because we never stop in our minds it's almost impossible to follow through with something, because our minds have already moved on to the next thing. Two years ago I finally chose to medicate. I decided to try adderall. It changed my life. I was a different person. I was making lists. I was checking things off of those lists. I had never, ever been so organized. At the same time my daughter Gianna was diagnosed and we also put her on the medication. I have two daughters. One who has ADD and one who is so far from having it that it's not even funny. Allison is organized, she plans, she prepares she is always ready for what is next. She doesn't like to not know what is going to happen tomorrow. Gianna is so much like me. She hates to plan for anything. She wants to always fly by the seat of her pants. She gets emotional and stressed out at the thought of doing homework, yet she is a super smart kid. I see her struggle, I know how hard this is to live with. It is like you are forever self sabotaging. Gianna and I started taking the medication at the same time. It changed her also. It helped so much, but it was also a little difficult for her to take. The amphetamine in the medication can make you have some severe mood swings and if you are not able to handle/control them it can be difficult. Her grades were up, her focus was unbelievable but she was an emotional wreck. Our two prescriptions together were costing a fortune, we could no longer afford them and we decided to let it go. Gianna was kind of relieved but almost immediately began struggling in school.
The reason I am telling this part of my story is because I am at a point in my life where I really need to figure things out. I am almost 42 years old and I feel as though I still am trying to find myself. Find my niche. There are some things that I love to do. Some things that I am really pretty good at. But unfortunately with ADD it is so hard to stay focused on any one thing long enough to really succeed.
For the better part of my life I have worked with children. It comes natural to me. The environment is a little different every day. I don't have to sit a desk and look at a computer all day. I love the interaction with the kids and the parents. The only problem is my patience isn't what it once was. My drive isn't what it once was, I have experienced major burn out in the field in the last year. I am ready for something new.
Over the years I have taken random breaks from teaching to work in other fields. Mostly sales. I am a people person, I am so much like my dad that way. I am absolutely in my happy place talking to people, hearing their story, trying to get to know them, to find a common denominator between them and myself. I love showing them, or selling them something that they will love. For a short time I worked at a tile/stone showroom. I loved that job so much. I could tap into my creative side, I love design, I love homes. It was a perfect fit. It was a high pressure, commission driven job but I loved it. Unfortunately the owners of the company didn't like that I spoke my mind when I saw something wasn't right. They loved that my sales were high, they hated my big mouth. It was the first job I had ever been fired from. I was devastated. It was humbling, and it shook me to my core. It was an eye opening experience and I learned a lot from it.
Having said all that I think that I am ready to go back into the sales world. This time I want to sell homes. I am going to get my real estate license. It's a short course, I really feel like I could follow through with this. I feel like I have to follow through with it. It would be a great way for me to meet people here in our new town, it would be a great way to learn more about the area and most of all it will be a great way to make money and still be with my kids when they need me.
Tomorrow morning I have a meeting at a real estate office to talk about a job at their office and to see about taking the course. I am excited. I am nervous. I am ready.
I want to do this for many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is to show my kids that even though I have this issue I can see something through. I want Gianna to see that I worked hard and reached a goal. I want to be able to inspire her. I do not want her to be a 40 something year old woman still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.
I look forward to tomorrow and all the promise that this next step in my life will bring.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness!! How did it go???? I MISS you! xooxox


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