That has what I have been telling myself. I'ts just another day. Christmas day is just another day. We are not celebrating this year. Not only are we still trying to recover financially from moving but we just aren't ready to celebrate yet. I am happy, I am content, I am relieved but not yet celebratory. If my kids were older, if it didn't hurt so bad that they aren't going to have presents to open this year, if their friends and family were going to be around for Christmas maybe I would feel different. But right now I just want the next two weeks to fly by. I am tired of logging on to facebook and seeing all the posts about the Christmas shopping, wrapping and preparing everyone is doing and not having anything to contribute to the conversation.
I have been missing my mom so much the last few days and missing all the planning and shopping we would do together for the holidays. My mom loved to shop. She loved to buy things for my kids and see how happy it would make them when she would get them what they had been hoping and wishing for.
Knowing that this Christmas is going to be different, knowing that it's going to be a little lonely and depressing makes me want to take our decorations down now so that we can pretend as though the holiday isn't even happening. But then I wonder if that would upset the kids more, to be so different, to be so open about not celebrating. I know that the presents aren't the reason for the season but let's be honest what mother doesn't want to give their child everything on their wish list? I know I do. I am doing my best to get through this. Doing everything I can to show my kids that this too will be ok. That we are strong and we will get through this as a family. We are so fortunate to have each other, so lucky to be able to be warm, safe and together during this time of year. There are so many families with loved ones serving our country in the Middle East, so many people who are dealing with health issues. We are lucky that money is our only issue.
This year I will do my best to get through the holidays. We will take the kids somewhere to volunteer together as a family and give our time to people less fortunate. It is something that I have been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I know it will be humbling. I also know that it will be heartbreaking. I don't know if I am ready for the heartbreak part. I want to be a good example for my kids, I want them to know that even though we can't go buy gifts for each other or even for kids off the giving tree at the mall there are still things we can do to help.
This holiday season will be another lesson for our family, another experience that we will look back upon and say "remember that Christmas when..." The good news is it will not just be "remember that Christmas we had to skip.." We will also be able to say "remember our first Christmas in Virginia, when it snowed the week before Christmas and the kids got two snow days."
Things are going to be good here. Soon we will feel like this is home and very soon things will be better for us in other ways too. The kids are already making good friends, they are appreciating the weather, the small town and all it has to offer. Chris is loving his job and after attending his work Christmas party today I now know that they are loving him too. I am grateful for that. I am thankful for so much in my life, I really am. But I have learned that is possible to be thankful for what you have and sad for what you don't at the same time. By missing our friends and family, by missing out on our normal traditions I am not saying that things aren't good and I am resentful, I am just saying that this is difficult.