whirlwind.

I said not too long ago that I didn't plan on blogging here until I had something exciting to write about.

I do!

We are moving.... (I know we just moved 3,000 miles from CA to VA and it sounds crazy but I will explain)

We moved here with every hope and expectation for it to work. We knew that we had to make it work. We did everything we could to make it work.... but sometimes that just isn't enough. I am not going into details... it isn't my place, and after writing this blog for a year I have learned that it isn't always my story to tell and sometimes ALL the details don't need to be shared. All I can say is I am happy, relieved and completely certain that THIS move that we are about to make is a much, much better plan and definitely what we need to be doing.

We found out for sure the move was going to happen on Thursday so we decided on Friday we would take a road trip to South Carolina so that we could see this new area we were going to call home and get an idea of what kind of neighborhood we wanted to be in and check out the area in general. It was a long trip so we made a stop in Mooresville NC to visit Chris's family. He has two Uncles, a cousin (and her big family of 5 kids, herself and her husband) that live there. I have been married for 17 years and I had never met his two cousins in person. It was great. It was all we could have ever hoped for. The kids all hit it off. We were so happy to see them all together finally after all these years. They have all been on facebook together and they have had some communication but this was the first face to face meeting. Boy do my kids love family. They are always so happy to meet any new relatives and when those relatives are close to their age... well then even better!

We stayed the night in NC on Friday night in a hotel... with the dogs. Shut the front door what is this world coming to when the Britton family starts traveling like Paris Hilton. It was all good and with enough doggie xanax they were just wonderful.

Saturday morning we woke up and drove to Greenville, South Carolina. It is only a 2 hour drive from Mooresville NC, which is just a hop skip and jump and it made us all so happy because that means that we can spend holidays and weekends once in a while with Chris's family! I swear my girls were so happy about this part of it that it will make the entire move worth it!

When we pulled into South Carolina our expectations were high, it was almost like we sighed a collective sigh once we crossed over the state line. We loved everything we saw. It felt so different than Virginia and even so different from California. I think it felt exactly like what we were hoping this would feel like when we pulled into Warrenton and it just never has.

After spending the day driving around Greenville, meeting some really nice people, checking out houses and schools we knew for sure that we loved it. So we decided to drive back to Mooresville so that we would be there in the morning to get ready for Easter with the family!

It was a great day. We had so much fun. The dogs even really enjoyed it! The kids had an Easter egg hunt with their cousins, they tossed around a football and spent the day getting to know each other.

Today was also my birthday. A day I always look forward to and always make way too big of a deal out of and then am disappointed when it doesn't turn out great. Their was none of that today. It was a day filled with family, love, hope and excitement.

I look forward to once again sharing my journey. I just know that this time I won't have to hope, pray, and wish at 11:11. This is GOING to be the right move for the Britton family. We are going to make friends, love our jobs and have a great new life!

Missing my mom.

The plan was that I was going to start this new blog and it was going to be happy and we weren't going to talk about death and we weren't going to talk about financial meltdowns... that plan is good, but it's just not realistic all the time. Death is part of life, it's a huge part of my life unfortunately and a very obvious reality. This blog is for those of us who know that as much as I like to have fun, cook, and make things my reality is still here. Every single day (more than ever lately) I wake up and think 'holy crap why is my whole family gone?'. I didn't know it was going to be like this. My dad and my brother have been gone for years. More than enough time for me to come to terms with it and to get used to living without them. Losing my mom has brought it all back. I know right now it's harder because I am so far from "home" so far from where they all were the last time I saw them, the last time we were all together. It's also harder right now because Gianna has been missing her grandma so much.She has come to me almost every day and said something or asked me something about her grandma. I am very lucky that my girls were so close to my mom. So glad that she lived with us for 5 years so she was such an important part of our family. They will both have such great memories of her because of it.
My birthday is in a few weeks and last year on my birthday is when my mom got sick. I wrote about it here. That weekend was the beginning of the end. The end of everything we knew as normal. I spent the next 5 weeks taking care of my mom and healing our relationship too. My mom and I always struggled with our relationship. Now looking back I regret not trying harder. I talked to her best friend the other night and she told me that I have nothing to regret, she tells me that my mom always talked about how good I was to her and how much she loved me. She did, she really did. When I walked into her casita and she saw me she lit up. She was so happy to see me. Nobody will ever love me like that, Nobody will ever light up like that again. My kids and Chris love me but as us mothers know there truly is nothing like the love we have for our children. I was all my mom had. She had buried 3 children and given another one up. I was it. Sometimes the pressure of that was too much for me. Knowing that she depended on me so much for everything was difficult. Trying to raise my children, take care of the house, work full time and be a good wife was more than I could handle. Being there for my mom sometimes took it over the top. I hated the pressure. I resented it. I didn't understand (still don't) why I was the one that was left. How come they all died and I didn't? I will never know. I should be grateful, I know but sometimes it's hard to be grateful without feeling a little guilt too.
It's been almost a year since we lost her and in that year my entire life was turned upside down, It has been the absolute hardest time of my life. The enormity of it all sometimes gets to be too much. Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and shut everyone out... sometimes I do. The rest of the time I spend with my girls and my husband. I try to enjoy every minute I have with them. Try to make sure that my kids know how much I love them so that when the day comes that I am not here they can look back and know that nobody loves them like their mom.

come on over to my new place...

I have started writing a new blog... I still will update this one occasionally (but only when I have something really exciting to talk about) but the new blog is for sharing recipes, ideas, and if I am being honest to generate some interest in my new etsy store! Hope to see you over there soon.. and while your there, why not become a follower?
Thanks!
Nina