It's been a while!

Part 1

So this is going to be a 2 part post. The first part is like a virtual tour of sorts of our new home in Virginia. When Chris moved here before us it drove me crazy that he didn't take more pictures. I had to imagine what everything looked like because he wasn't taking many pictures. I know that some of my friends and family might be feeling the same way so here we go...

the entry way...



This is the front door (obviously). I have mixed feelings about the large window in the front door. It's kind of an invasion of privacy if you ask me... but whatever, I mean if the neighbors don't want to see me dancing they can look away right?

Hmm... here is the kitchen. Not the nicest kitchen. But it's cozy. 

Family room. My favorite.

I love this room. It's light and bright and it looks out to the street so that we can stalk our neighbors. When they come outside to do something we casually walk outside as though it's a coincidence that we are out there at the same time and then we strike up a conversation! See... we are going to make friends in no time!

Dining room. Again, light and bright and it's perfect for the dogs to look out the window and watch the squirrels outside!



This room deserves a drum roll. It's not pretty. It's functional! It's the mudroom!!! I love it!



 So that is it for now. I figured I better put some pictures up before Christmas explodes in here and the house looks totally different.

Oh and before I move onto part 2 I must include one picture of the dogs sitting on the window seat in the dining room. It's where they watch the squirrels.

Part 2:

We have been in VA for almost 2 weeks now and in the house for 1. It's still so surreal. I am still finding myself looking around going 'oh my God, I live here'. I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I have ever known. It's the most adventurous, most risk taking thing I have ever done. Growing up we never even considered living anywhere but California. My father would have never even entertained the idea of moving. My mom probably wouldn't have either. They needed to be near their friends and family. They would be shocked if they knew that this is where we ended up. So many times during the last 2 weeks it has bothered me that they don't know that I am here. I think 'what if they can't find me', but then something will happen and I will think 'they know'. Just yesterday Chris asked me if the kids' schools were going to need their social security #'s. I kind of blew him off because I didn't want to look for them, wasn't sure where they were. We had been gone for most of the day and I was tired. I walked into the mud room to get my mom's Rolodex out so that I could call some of her friends and let them know that we were here and all was good. I opened that little Rolodex box and right in the front in my mom's handwriting were my kids social security numbers. I don't even know why she had them, but she did and they were right where I needed them to be. I said out loud "wow, thanks mom". I felt so comforted.
Another thing that has brought me so much comfort is having my family's things around me. I am not one to keep pictures around of my deceased relatives. I feel like if I would walk in my house and think 'I see dead people', plus it's not the best conversation starter. I mean can you imagine, I invite new friends over to play bunco and they see a picture of my brother Mike on the wall and they say 'wow, you brother is good looking, is he single?' me-"um no, he died". Total mood killer. So instead I choose to have things that remind me of them around me. We have actually used several pieces of my mom's furniture,









my mom's favorite piece of furniture.



her artwork and some of her knick knacks to decorate. In my scrapbook room (when it is finished) Mike's guitar will hang on the wall in a shadow box, behind the guitar is a collage of all of his handwritten lyrics and music. On the shelf in the family room is my grandpa's fire Captain hat from the Vernon fire dept.



Grandpa Chico's hat.

 This hat is one of my most prized possessions. I have my Grandma Nina's china all neatly stacked in my china cabinet. Just looking at it takes me back to her dining room and all the yummy food she served on it.
These things have made me feel so much better. Made me feel like those who loved me aren't so far away.

Grandma's china.

This week is going to be a big week for us. The girls start school. I am so anxious for them to make new friends. I think we have sold my car in California so that means that we can buy me one out here. Having my own car will mean that I will be able to get a job. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean I know that I need to get one so that financially we can catch up for this bank account draining move we just made, but at the same time I really want to be able to be here for my kids, I want to be involved at their schools. I do know that when I get a job it will help me make some new friends too though and that is a good thing. I just am not sure what kind of job I want. I don't think that I want to work at a pre-school again. I love the kids and everything but my patience has run thin over the years and they are much cuter when they are in small groups! I am going to start looking around and see what kinds of jobs are out there. Who knows maybe this will be the place where I really find my true calling. Wouldn't that be great!

It's getting better

So things are very quickly getting better. I mean we have only been here 4 days and I can honestly say that I am going to like it here. Tomorrow the movers will come with our stuff and that will for sure make it even that much better. We have gone by the house we will be moving into a few times and each time we go there I feel a little better. I am starting to picture where we are going to put things. I am liking the house more and more each time we go.

Last night we went to a football game in another county. One of my very best friends from high school lives a county or two over, about 45 minutes away and her son plays football. It was so much fun. It was freezing, but we had a blast. It is so comforting to have her here. We have been separated by many years and many miles but it as if we haven't missed a day. She has lived here for 16 years so she is my area expert!

Today we went to DC! That was exciting. I mean I have lived a very sheltered life and going to DC just to have lunch, is a pretty cool thing. Living that close to so many cool monuments and so much history is awesome. I love that my kids will experience these things while they are still young. They will learn so much about American history by living here.

I can't remember if I have ever shared the story of how we got here. I may have, but it's a good one so I am going to share again. So as many people know about 11 months ago I found out about a brother I never knew that I had. My mom had a son with her first husband and failed to tell me for 40 years. When I finally found out I couldn't wait to find him. I found him, it went great and we now have a good relationship. If you haven't read the story you can go here. Anyway, when Chris started looking for a job we were really concentrating on North Carolina and Texas, for whatever reason those two areas appealed to us. I have never been to either state so I honestly had no idea what they were like. I was really just going by things I have read. So I was telling my new brother (Randy) about our search and he said to me "hmm, have you ever considered Virginia?, it's my favorite state, you should check it out". Well as the little sister I have always listened to my big brothers, even IF I had just met them! So I said to Chris 'Randy really likes Virginia, we should look into it' so Chris went online google searched "custom cabinets" in Virginia and this company came up. They weren't hiring. It wasn't a job search website, he simply did a google search. He sent them his resume to them and within a week they called and offered to fly him out for an interview. This was after he had sent his resume to dozens and dozens of places that were hiring. He had already had several offers but they were in places that didn't really appeal to us (really me). So how crazy is that, all that time searching in other states, not knowing where we would end up and Randy made a simple suggestion and now here we are! If that isn't divine intervention I don't know what is. A year ago I didn't even know Randy existed. A year ago my mom was still alive and we were just plugging along in the desert with absolutely no intentions of moving anytime soon. Now here we are 3,000 miles away. Crazy. Oh and one more crazy thing for those of you who don't know, six months after I found out about Randy, after we had met and my mom knew that he didn't hate her and he had grown into a wonderful, smart, happy, man she passed away. It was like she was waiting for that final piece of her puzzle. Then it got even crazier, two weeks after my mom died Randy's dad died. Out of the blue, he was gone too. So had I not found out about him when I did I don't know that I ever would have because the two people that had kept the secret for so long were both gone. My life has had some crazy twists and turns in the last year or two and it has been stressful at times but at other times it has been wonderful. I am so thankful for all the craziness, it makes me appreciate all the rest!

This is not as easy as I had pictured it...

I am trying very hard to stay positive. Trying so much to be a trooper. I wanted this. I needed this change so bad. But now that I am here, it's hard. It's different. I am stressed. My kid is sad. I want it to be the right thing. I want this to be the place for us. I really, truly do. I so want to know that we made the right decision. But it's going to take a while before I know it's right.
The movers are going to be here in a few days with our stuff, I am hoping that will help. We are so over on our estimate from them and we are completely freaking out about that. We are over by 5,000 pounds. Five thousand pounds of stuff. Really? I mean come on, I purged. I tossed. I gave away. and still 5,000 pounds more than they estimated. Oh and the other thing? There is still stuff in our house that didn't fit on the truck and my car is still in California and we have absolutely no idea when we are going to be able to get this stuff.
The house we are leasing here is way smaller than our house in California, not just smaller square footage wise, smaller in room size, ceiling height, etc... this means our stuff isn't going to even begin to be able to fit. Leasing a house online, sight unseen wasn't the best idea. We are living and learning for sure.
I know we will get through this. I know moving is stressful. I hope that this part of it ends soon. I think that I was thinking that when I got off the plane all of my anxiety and second guessing would go away. Not so much. I think it's worse.
I hate writing posts that sound all negative and whiney. I hate facebook status's that are all negative and whiney too. But here I am whining like a 3 year old.
I am going to bed now and I am going to wake up with a new attitude. I am going to do my best to stay positive and to keep my chin up. I will let you all know how that works out.

"I live on the east coast now"

"I live on the east coast now" that is exactly what I said as the plane was landing tonight. The pilot had just announced that we were here and that was what came to my mind. It's crazy. It's surreal and it is so exciting too. While I was on the plane I wrote my blog post, here it is...

Well here we are on the plane. One hour away from our final destination. Our new lives in Virginia. I haven't been able to write a post in a while because, well because I have been busy. I have been packing the final pieces and have been busy trying to not have a nervous breakdown. Moving is stressful. Moving cross country without my husband there to help me almost sent me over the edge!
Here is the story of our last few days in California. (I can't wait to look back on it in a year or so and think 'wow, I don't remember it being that crazy'.
So on Friday morning at 9 am the movers showed up. They were a super nice crew who didn't mess around. They got right to work. They worked and worked until 11:30 pm. Yes, we really have that much stuff. Believe me I have questioned why we have that much stuff 100 times during the last month when we were packing. When they were done they called me and said "umm, so all of your stuff doesn't fit on the truck." WHAT??? They assured me that it happens ALL the time and it's not that big of a deal and that they would have another truck come out on Monday. Oh and one more thing "your over on your weight estimate, probably by like 2,000 pounds." Great. But honestly I wasn't super surprised by the 2,000 pounds, this company has you take your own inventory online and it truly is just an estimate of your stuff because you don't know how many boxes you have until everything is packed and ready to go. So I clearly underestimated. We were not happy about the overage but what were we going to do, they had all of our stuff. Monday came and I waited to hear from the company to find out what time they were going to be there to pick up the rest. I had called them several times but they were not calling me back. When I finally heard from them at 2:30 pm they told me that another truck was not coming that day, as a matter of fact it would be at least 3 days until they could get another truck there and it would be another month before they would have our stuff to us in Virginia. Oh and P.S. the overage was not 2,000 pounds... it was actually 5,000 pounds. I almost passed out. That means that our bill just went up by $3,000 and we didn't even have all of our stuff on the truck yet. To say that I freaked out is an understatement. I was in complete crisis mode. I might have even rolled up into the fetal position at one point. (ok so maybe not that bad but almost).
I really had no idea how in the world I was going to get on the plane the next day (today) and fly to Virinig knowing that our move was not complete. Knowing that the house was still a mid move disaster. There was still so much to do. All I could do was cry.
Well the good news is that I have an amazing group of friends. They just rallied around and totally took care of us. Friends were cleaning out the fridge, taking out the trash, organizing things, all while I stood there trying not to have a complete nervous breakdown. My in-laws came over and did so much too. It was amazing. These people were truly my saving grace. It was humbling and overwhelming to have all these people in my house doing all of this for me. I was grateful but at the same time somewhat embarassed. You know how some people have a hard time accepting compliments, I have a really hard time accepting help. I automatically always say "no, it's ok" or "hmm, I can't think of anything else that needs to be done" when people offer help.
I have spent the last 8 or 10 months of my life pushing people away. Shutting them out. In the process I may have lost some people that were really important to me. People whom I have inadvertantely hurt. I really truly didn't mean to. During my last week in California I have learned a huge life lesson. I have learned to let people in. I have spent my entire life thinking that people didn't like me. (I do not mean this in a martyr type way, I really truly have this weird hang up). Teachers even commented about it on my report cards in elementary school. Lately I have realized that I am loved. I have a wonderful group of friends and I need to rely on them more often.

So that was as far as the post got on the plane. The flight went well. It actually went great, it was the first time that I have flown that I didn't have some anxiety. I was calm and peaceful the whole time. I think it went so well because I am so ready for this. So excited to start this new chapter. Not because I wanted to get away from my friends and family on the west coast but because I think our family is going to thrive here. Because I am pretty sure that this is where we belong for now. I will never say never about moving back to the west coast, but for now we are going to make this work. Not just make it work but we are going to make it totally fabulous!

Last days...

Today was our last day, my last day at work and the kids last day at school. To say that it was hard is an understatement. It is the part of this journey that I hadn't given a whole lot of thought too. It was probably a sub conscious move on my part, only wanting to think about what lies ahead in our new lives, not wanting to think about saying goodbye.
The first time I started working at Tot Stop I was a young girl living at home with my parents. I wanted that job so bad I had called the owners and begged them like 3 different times for the job. I knew it was the right fit, I knew that school was where I belonged. Growing up I wasn't a super confident person. When I started teaching preschool at 19 years old it became the very first thing that I did where I had utter and complete confidence in myself. I knew I could do it. I knew I was a good teacher. I had a passion for it and I loved those kids so much.
They finally hired me. I actually have a journal I kept at that time and the entry from my first day at work says "I started a new job today at Tot Stop. I am really going to love it there"
That school has seen me through so much. It is where I was working when my dad died and it was also where I was working 18 years later when my mom died.
I haven't worked there for the whole 19 years, I have left a couple of different times for several years in between. The first time I left to stay home and run a home day care (yea, that was a really bad idea) and the second time I left to pursue something new, (long story, whole different post). But it has been a place where I could always go back to. My connection to this school runs deep. My memories are vast. The first class I ever taught are all 21 and 22 years old now. (did I just say that?) This school has been such a comfort zone for me.
I have made so many friends over the years at this place, other teachers, parents, and even the kids.
I am not the same person as I was in the beginning for sure. I mean for one, I have obviously gotten older, thus (lets hope) wiser. I have had a lot of life happen to me since that day in 1992 when I walked through those doors.
I have lost both parents, met and married my husband, had two kids, and bought and sold 3 houses. Those are the big things that have happened to me in those 19 years. There have also been so many little things. I had the chicken pox working there, I was 23 years old and it was NOT pretty. I took a class on a field trip and ran out of gas in my car with 3 kids in my car. I had the worst morning sickness ever through my pregnancy with Allison and puked every single day in my classroom. I watched both of my own kids go all the way through this school. They both graduated from the same Kindergarten class that I have been teaching for the last 22 months.
Saying goodbye to the teachers, students and parents wasn't easy, although I did a really good job holding it together. The staff had an awesome pot luck lunch for me with 3 chocolate cakes for dessert! I mean come on what is better than that!
I hope that some of the parents keep in touch, I will miss them. They were all so unbelievably supportive and understanding when I told them I was leaving. I am sure I will keep in touch with the staff, the owner is a really good friend of mine so that will help keep the connection.
Today was also the day that my girls had to say goodbye at their schools. This is only the second year that Gianna has been going to her school. She has loved it, she has made some great friends and everything but obviously her connections aren't the same. It was still hard to say goodbye but not nearly as hard as it was for Allison. Gianna's biggest struggle right now is not saying goodbye, it's missing her daddy. She has missed him so much and is so anxious to get to the other side of this journey.

Allison saying goodbye was a whole different story. When Allison started high school last year as a freshman we decided that she would go to the brand new high school that had just been built by our new house. It was just opening and it was only going to have two classes, as in it wasn't going to have any juniors or seniors. It was a beautiful campus, it was only going to have 650 students and it was right around the corner from our house. No brainer, right? Well the only problem was that all of the friends that she had grown up with literally since Tot Stop were going to La Quinta high, the school that was by our old house. All of her friends but one of her very best friends, Chandler, she was going to Shadow Hills too. Making the decision to go to SHHS wasn't an easy  one, it's beautiful and it's brand new but starting a new school with only one friend is kind of hard. It has turned out to be the best decision we could have made. Allison has loved her school. She has made some friends that I know she will be friends with for the rest of her life. I love these girls. She also has her boyfriend that is awesome and we all love so much. Allison is captain of her cheer team, and she loves those girls to pieces. I don't know if she will ever find another group of girls that she gets along with so well. These kids are amazing. Chris and I have also grown very attached to them, we are even having a really hard time saying goodbye.
Today she said goodbye to them at school, but tomorrow they are having a party for her. I am sure the tears will be flowing. I just wish we could take them with us. Hopefully we will have lots of visitors in Virginia this summer!

Old Friends and Good Times

This weekend was one of those weekends that you plan and look forward to for months. We (my girls and I) had some awesome plans for Saturday and Sunday and we anxiously waited for the weekend to come all week.

Saturday morning we got up, got ready and headed out of town. We were going to spend the weekend in Long Beach with my old friends. Some of these friends were from elementary school others were from middle school and a couple from high school. But lets be honest, I am not a spring chicken so even with the friends from high school I am still talking a 25 year history. That? is a very long time. I am somebody who has always cherished those friendships. I know some people who once they leave high school they never looked back and they really don't have a connection with anyone they grew up with. That is so not me. My connection with these people runs deep. My need to stay connected is important. I mean come on these people saw me through my awkward stages, (some of them saw more awkward stages than I care to remember!) and they have stayed loyal. If you read my blog then you know how important loyalty is to me. Last night I felt so much love in this room at the Yard House. So many memories. So much time has passed and yet it is like we never left each other.

These people all came together to say goodbye to me. They trekked in from all over Orange County and the Inland Empire so that we could all spend some time together before I left for Virginia. How awesome is that.

I am not one to like a lot of attention, I hate surprise parties, I didn't want to walk down the aisle at my wedding, I am not a fan of the "all eyes on me" events. But last night was special. Last night I will not forget. I love these girls (and few guys too!) that came to see me off. They are so supportive and so good to me I can't even explain it.

Of course with all things that involve the Britton family the evening did not end without a little bit of drama. At about 10:15 Allison called me from the hotel where she, her girlfriend and Gianna were all watching movies and hanging out in the room and said that our neighbor that was coming over to our house to let the dogs into the casita for the night had just left our house and our dogs were both gone. I full on freaked out. Yes I am a dog lover. I love my dogs like one of those crazy people who talks to them (and maybe sings them songs sometimes, whatever, don't judge) so as soon as she called I didn't hesitate for one second and said "well then we are going home right now" I cried, I called Chris, in spite of the fact that it was 1:30 in the morning his time. He was bummed, he was worried about the dogs but also bummed that my weekend that I had planning for so long was being cut short. He knows how crazy things have been and didn't want me to miss out on any fun. I wasn't even thinking of anything else, all I could think about was my little dog's faces, how dark it is out here in the desert and how they were probably lost and afraid... or worse. One of my very closest friends that I have ever had, (she is really more like a sister to me) took me back to the hotel where my girls were waiting in the lobby, bags in hand, wearing their pajamas and the saddest little faces I had ever seen. They were so bummed too. They love their dogs too and they were so worried. We hopped in my car and headed home. My in-laws, our neighbor and my girlfriend were all over in my neighborhood driving around looking for the dogs. It gave me such a peace of mind knowing that even though it was going to be 2 hours before I got home that somebody was looking for them.

About an hour into the trip my friend Lori offered to go into my house and listen to the answering machine to see if anybody had called to say they had found them. She got the key from our neighbor, went upstairs with Allison talking her through the whole process and while I was driving I am listening to their conversation and Allison is telling Lori how to play back the messages and all of a sudden Allison started flapping her arms and saying "someone has them, someone has them!!!" Oh my gosh the relief. The sheer relief was crazy. At about the same time the people actually came to the door with the dogs. They were safe and home. Thank God.

So our weekend got cut a little short. It's OK. Our dogs are that important to us. We love them and I know I wouldn't have been any fun to be around if we would have stayed and not known where they were. We are going to continue with the rest of our plans today in spite of being all the way home. We are driving back out of town this afternoon to go spend some time with my brother Danny and his family for the last time before we leave. I am looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. I know there will be tears. (mine of course, Danny doesn't cry) and I know it's going to be one of the hardest goodbye's I have to say. But we will have fun, we will laugh and make fun of each other. It's just how we roll.

Well this has been a super long post and now I am going to go pack. Thank you so much to all of you who were there last night and that follow this blog. You are amazingly supportive and such good friends and I will cherish you always, even from 3,000 miles away! xoxo

packing and pity.

There hasn't been much for me to say lately. I have been busy packing, working and getting ready for the move. We leave in 12 days, well really more like 11 since today is really over.
I am so excited. I have to be honest though, I am a little nervous too. As much as I want to move, as badly as we need this fresh start I am nervous. California is all I have ever known. It is my comfort zone. It is where my life used to be "normal". I can't wait to get to know Virginia and the east coast. To be able to go to new places and experience a different life. I think it will be great but deep down inside I know it's going to have it's difficult moments. I know that it will take a while to make it feel like home.
My kids are excited. They are looking forward to seeing their dad. My husband has been gone for a little over a month now and we sure miss him. Video chat is great but it's still not the same thing. I am very lucky that I have a great husband and such amazing kids. I don't know what I would do without them.

So I have had something on my mind for several days now. A couple of weeks ago I had some controversy, and a falling out with a family member. During the back and forth he made a comment to me that has stuck with me and resonated over and over again. It's something that I want to clear up for everyone and make sure that anybody ever reading my blog knows. I never, ever want anyone to "feel sorry" for me. I hate pity. I despise that feeling of being pitied. I do not tell my story because I want people to feel sorry for me. I tell my story because it gives me comfort, because I am an open book and I love to share and because I want my kids to be able to read it later on. He made that comment after reading my blog. I instantly thought 'I hope to God that is not what people think'. If anything I hope that somebody reading my blog would take away from it that I am lucky. That I am strong. That I see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that together my family is going to make it through to the other side.
I have said so many times that dealing with all of the death and loss that I have had is difficult, but at the same time I am so grateful for all of the wonderful relationships I have had in the first place. I am so glad that I had such a great family. So many people have been through so much worse than me and didn't have a loving, supportive family to start with.
Do I miss my family and wish they were here? Absolutely. Do I get sad sometimes and throw my own pity parties for myself? For sure. But never, ever would I want anybody to pity me or feel sorry for me. That is not how I roll.
I have never for a second doubted who I am or what I stand for, I have made that clear many times on my blog. But if any reader ever got the wrong impression I just wanted to clear it up for them.
After my conversation with him was over I thought about all the amazing support that I have had about my blog. I thought about how many people have written me emails and sent me messages on facebook telling me that I have helped them or that they can so relate to what I write about. That is what is important to me. That is why I write and why I will continue to share my story. Hopefully in the future there won't be anymore sad stories to tell anyway so the idea of me wanting people to feel sorry for me will just be silly.
Thank you to all of you who read, who support and who comment. It is like free therapy to me and you have gotten me through some really tough times. xoxoxo

The Holidays are Coming!

The holidays are just around the corner. As soon as October starts to wind down every year I start anticipating the holiday season. I am expecting this year's holiday season to be very different for our family. For one, we will be living 3,000 miles away. We will be getting to know new friends, and it will be the first holiday season without my mom. The funny thing is I remember last year at Christmas my mom said "well this is probably my last Christmas" and I remember thinking 'hmm, she says this every year but I think she might be right this year'. Well unfortunately she was right and the last 5 1/2 months without her have been really difficult but I have a feeling that the holidays will be even more difficult.
For many years I have always been big on entertaining, especially around this time of year. Nothing made me happier than hosting a house full of people. I loved the planning, cooking, and preparing. It made me feel like my Grandma. She was always the one who cooked all day and she did it because she truly enjoyed it. My mom did it too but it was different, she did it because she had to. She was married into this family and it was expected of her when it was her turn. It stressed her out, and she didn't have the same relaxed, easy feeling that my Grandma did.
Nobody has ever expected me to do it. I just did it because it made me happy. Now that is not to say that I haven't had my share of stressful breakdowns in the middle of planning, preparing and cooking, but for the most part I always have enjoyed it. I did it because it gave me such pleasure to feed people and make them happy. I loved to make the old family recipes and I loved finding the new recipes and mixing them in too.
A few years ago things started changing. I had pulled back socially from so many. Our big Christmas Eve dinners had dwindled down to just a few friends. The way we had done things before had become so costly and I had just become a different person. I was sad, angry and depressed. I hated that things had changed, I just didn't know how to make things better.
We are moving to Virginia in 19 days. It will be 9 days before Thanksgiving. I am so looking forward to this fresh start and this opportunity to make things good again for our holiday season. I have already promised my girlfriend Debi that I will cook Thanksgiving dinner. I am hoping that her family and at least one other family will join us for Christmas Eve (it's by far my favorite holiday and a huge Italian tradition to celebrate on Christmas Eve). It is so strange to think that we will not be here this year. To think that my mom won't be here. To imagine what it is going to be like to shop, plan and prepare in a completely new state, on the other side of the country, without a chance of us spending the holiday season with our friends and family here in California. It makes me a little sad for sure. I am sure there will be moments that will be difficult. I am also sure that we will be starting new traditions and that soon we will get used to our new surroundings and we will be fine. I haven't sent out Christmas cards for the last 2 years because I just felt that I didn't have much to say and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. This year I can't wait to take a family picture of us in our new home state. I am already picturing what it will look like and planning what we will wear. I can't wait!

I just said to Chris yesterday, "if someone would have said to me a year ago, 'one year from now you will be getting ready to move to Virginia' I would have thought they were crazy, what we are about to do is so far from anything I ever pictured. It is so far from my comfort zone. The funny thing is at the same time it feels so right... Those 19 days better hurry up because I am so ready!!

Thank God that the time is flying by!

What a great week we had here at the Britton house. Time seemed to just fly. I am so glad it did because I am missing my husband something awful. I texted him yesterday and said that I thought this time apart might have been a good thing for us because now we will never question our love for each other since being apart is really hard and we miss each other so much. He said "uh.. I wasn't questioning it before.. is there something you want to tell me?" Which of course I knew would be his answer. I never was questioning it but I will be honest, I didn't know it would be this hard. I think I was just caught up in the logistics of everything and worried about keeping up with my schedule that I wasn't thinking about how difficult it would be to be away from my husband for 7 weeks. Well let me just say it really stinks. Today is the first day that I haven't cried at some point, I don't mean that I am walking around sobbing or anything but at different times during the day I have for sure teared up... and maybe sobbed a few times too.
Yesterday we had good news.. twice and I think because of that it made today so much more tolerable and enjoyable. Oh and maybe the fact that I had a pedicure didn't hurt either! First we found out that the house we are leasing is going to be ready much sooner than we had thought, the current tenants are moving out this weekend which means we can move in as soon as we want. That takes a huge weight off our shoulders because as it was before we were going to have to spend the 11 days until the house was ready in the basement that Chris is renting, we would have made it work but the idea of actually being able to move into the house we will be living in is so much better. The other piece of good news was that we are going to leave 3 days sooner than we had planned. Which of course doesn't sound like a big deal but 3 days is a big deal when you are missing your guy and your kids are missing their daddy.
Since the day that Chris left my girls and I have been having the never ending slumber party. We all 3 sleep in my room. We dragged in the mattress from the trundle in Gianna's room and put it on the floor in front of my bed so that one of them could sleep with me and the other one could sleep in the trundle. It's been a lot of fun and has helped us all kind of cope with the whole situation. We spend the last hour or so of our evening chatting, laughing, and sometimes crying together. It's been a really good bonding time for us and a time that I hope we will all remember.
This whole experience is still a little surreal to me. In the middle of the night I have to get up to let the dogs out and every single night as I walk back up the stairs in the dark house I look around at all the boxes and think 'oh my God this is really happening, we are seriously moving across the country'.
This weekend my goal is to pack up the rest of my office, my bedroom and the laundry room. We will see if I get it all accomplished... As of today we have 25 days until we get on that plane, 25 days to get everything we own into boxes and to say our goodbyes. Twenty five days left in California... isn't that just crazy?!

Lonely

I have written about being lonely before. I have felt lonely often. I have created a very lonely world for myself and I really, truly have no one to blame but myself. I know this and yet here I sit thinking 'holy crap this sucks, I hate being so lonely'.
When our family began going through the financial crisis that we have been enduring over the last three years I pushed many people away. I isolated myself because I felt that our situation made friends and some family members uncomfortable. I felt that they didn't know what to say, that they might think we were going to ask them for money (which for the record we have not asked anyone for money or any kind of help, so nobody needs to be worried about being hit up). I made these decisions for our family and they weren't easy, they weren't taken lightly. When my mom died 5 months ago I started to REALLY feel the consequences of what I had done, really understanding how serious my decision was. I realized that my phone still wasn't ringing, that nobody was really here to help me through it. I was the one to blame, not them. I knew I had done it. I had hurt people's feelings by pushing them away, by turning down their offers of dinner or being in their bunco group. But I just didn't want to do it, I didn't want to be a part of their world. I wanted to be alone with my family.
So here we are 3 years into it, things are starting to turn around for us finally. Chris has an awesome new job and he loves it. The money is so much better, the situation is wonderful and he sounds happier than I have heard him in years. But here I am. So flippin lonely I want to scream. Chris's job is 3,000 miles away. My husband now lives in Virginia and here I sit in California. I know it's only temporary and I know the time will fly but I will tell you that right now, in this minute the time is crawling by and it feels as if November 19th will never, ever get here.
The good thing is I have two amazing daughters who are getting me through this every day. Two girls that miss their daddy so much that they cry right along with me almost every day. We are trying our hardest to not be sad and to not miss him but it seems impossible.
Before anybody says anything like "well it could be worse" Let me just say, I know it could be worse. I am well aware of how lucky we are to have such a strong family and a strong marriage. I have been thinking about other women I know tonight who have been through so much worse and they survived. I was thinking of my lifelong friend Deanna who lost her husband 7 years ago and has been raising her 4 kids by herself. I think of how amazing she is for doing such an incredible job. I think about my mom losing my dad at 56 years old, how she must have felt like she had so much time ahead of her to be alone. I remember how lonely she was and how hard it was for her. I remember that I didn't do much to make it better either. I have a friend on facebook whose husband travels for a living and she has 3 kids and works full time and she does it by herself all the time, I know she must be lonely and I know it has to be hard, but by God she does it and her kids seem to be doing just fine. It's these women that are getting me through this. It's knowing that if they can do it I can too.
Tonight both of my girls are gone and I have been sitting here by myself throwing a pity party. I keep thinking about how much better it is going to be when we get to Virginia and we are all together. I keep envisioning how we are all going to be living in a different house, the girls are going to new schools, making new friends. It all makes me smile and helps to make me feel a little less lonely. I hope that tonight when I go to bed that I dream about our new life. I am so ready for it to begin.

Kudos to the working single mom.

It's been 8 days since Chris left for our new life. Eight days of missing him terribly and wishing we could be there with him. Eight days of being a full time working, single mother of two. Holy cow it's hard. Chris is not a lay on the couch, let the wife do everything kind of a guy. He's a I will do my share of the work kind of guy. He has worked from home for the last year so he really has done so much around here, all the driving of the kids to and from school, taking care of the girls schedule, running errands that I need done during the day, like the post office, bank etc... While I was the full time, out of the home for 8 to 10 hours a day mom. I did all the cooking and cleaning and he pretty much took care of the rest. It was working really well for me I do have to say. Now, this new schedule? Just sucks. Let me give you a little window into my world the last week-
6:30 am, wake up, take a shower, get dressed and then take Allison to school at 7.
7:00 am come back to the house finish getting ready, make the bed, do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, whichever one has been waiting longer.
8:00 am leave to take Gianna to school to have her there by 8:20, even though school doesn't start til 8:45 my kid likes to hang out, just like her mom did (oh wait I NEVER wanted to be to school early)
8:30 stop at Starbucks, see my fave barista's fill them in on the latest, grap my jcfl (that's a java chip frap light)
8:50 arrive at school early so I can make sure I am all prepped for the day.
9:00 to 2:30 work my butt off with my 18 kindergartners who are for sure out to get me.
2:30 to 3:00 take my lunch break so that I can go pick up Gianna from school.
3:00 to 5:30 finish working, close the school. Then go pick up Allison from school who has been out of cheer practice since 5:00 and is waiting patiently for me
5:30 to 7:00 still trying to figure out what exactly it is that I do during this time, but every single night I have been trying to get home but every night there is something to do!
7:00 to 10:00 make dinner, clean, do laundry, try to pack a box or two or do something productive before I pass out.
So there it is, my daily life in a nutshell. It's dumb. I hate it. I have so much I need to be getting done and I feel like I am accomplishing nothing yet I do not have a spare minute in my day to do so.
My situation is only temporary and there is a beautiful bright light at the end of the tunnel so I will survive, I will do it and try hard not to complain too much. I have a new found respect for the moms (or dads) that do this for years. It is hard work and it's lonely.
Speaking of lonely, my poor husband is so lonely all the way out in Virginia by himself. He sent me the sweetest text the other night saying how he missed us so much and how we need to go get webcams so that he can see us when we talk. The only problem with talking with him is the time difference, by the time the girls and I are home and ready to chat he is sound asleep!
Last week was especially hard for Chris because we had kind of a big weekend around here. Allison was presented with her varsity letter for cheer. They usually do not give letters out til the end of the year but because we are moving they did a special presentation to her at the homecoming pep rally assembly at her school. It was very cool. She was also voted Sophomore homecoming Princess. Chris had to miss both of these things and it was hard, it was hard for Allison not to have her dad here and it was hard for Chris not to be able to celebrate with us.
Well I am going to do my best to keep being productive and keep my mind off of all the stress. I just want the next 5 weeks to fly by!
Oh and in an attempt to be more productive I have temporarily deleted my facebook account, as I spend entirely too much time on there. The only problem is most of my readers are from facebook and they read my blog when I link it to my facebook wall. This will be a good test to see if they will still read even if I don't remind them to!

Teenage love story.

This is a long one so be prepared...
Chris and I have always been fairly liberal parents. Although we are not the kind of parents who party in front of their kids, for one Chris doesn't drink. Ever. When I do it's not very often and it's only a cocktail or two. We have never ever had even one drink and gotten behind the wheel of a car. I just don't believe in it. My parents liked to drink socially when I was a kid and I have pretty vivid memories of worrying about them leaving places drunk and driving, it scared me to death and I would never do that to my kids. We don't smoke, I have never in my life done any drug, I haven't even ever smoked pot. Again this has so much to do with how I was raised and what I was exposed to. I was raised in the 70's and 80's with 3 older siblings and lets just say they liked to have fun. I watched it and didn't like what I saw and just made different choices than they did.
Anyway, at this point you are wondering where does the liberal parenting come in? Well while I try very hard to set a good example for my kids in some ways in other ways I am way laid back and so is Chris. We both use bad language... often. We probably (not probably, definitely) are way too liberal with what our kids watch on t.v, with the conversations that we let them overhear. We are not at all the parents that shelter their kids from what is going on in our lives. We sometimes give them way too much information. Our kids had cell phones and access to the Internet well before many of their friends and they both have always had t.v's in their rooms. These aren't always popular decisions and some people think it's crazy but it has worked for us. We trust our kids and so far they have yet to make us change our minds.
So all of that leads up to the reason I am writing this post. Last year Allison came to us and asked us if she could have a boyfriend. It was the very beginning of her freshman year and she and this boy had been texting and talking all summer. She had liked him since the 7th grade and he had just asked her to be his girlfriend. I knew there would be backlash. I knew that friends and probably some family members would be appalled but Chris and I talked about it, set some ground rules and said yes.
Here were the rules- We had to meet him right away. We had to meet his parents. There would be NO unsupervised dates, which meant we would not be dropping them off to go to the movies or anywhere else without a chaperon.
Allison then explained all the rules to this boy and he said "my parents will say the same thing". Perfect.
So the relationship began. We met his family before their first date. It was their New Coming dance (homecoming for a new school). They were both super nervous and super cute. We all met at our house to take pictures. It went really well. We instantly liked his family, we liked him and it was all good.

Allison and Blake, first date.

So here we are 11 months later. This boy has become part of our family. We have spent almost every holiday in the last year with his whole family. His parents have become such good friends of ours that we often hang out without the kids.

Allison and Blake will once again go to that dance this weekend. They won't be nearly as nervous but they are still very smitten with each other.

So I love these two together. I know that I probably shouldn't promote my teenage daughter having a long term relationship, I know that so many of my friends have said that we should have said no boyfriend until you are 16 or 17. But this has worked, It has worked for all of us, we have wonderful new friends and it has actually brought me and Allison closer together.

The hardest part is knowing that soon they will have to say goodbye. They are going to have a hard time and so are we adults. Blake's step mom cried of and on all day on Sunday watching them together. Knowing what lies ahead and knowing that they are both going to be sad. I told them that they don't have to break up, that with technology the way it is today they could just text/skype/facebook/aim/call each other every day. I know in my heart it's not practical and that it will be difficult at best but I have told them from the beginning that I support their relationship and I will continue to support it, even if it's from 2800 miles away.

Oh so bittersweet...

It's all happening. For real, our move is no longer just something we are talking about and planning, it's happening. It became a reality when my husband left Monday morning. He no longer lives here. He is on his way, driving cross country solo to our new lives in Virginia. It was difficult to say goodbye, we all bawled like babies. I know it's only 6 weeks and I know we will all survive and people probably think I am being dramatic by being so sad. But I am sad. I am scared, I am lonely and I am happy all at the same time. This is something I have been waiting for for so long. Something I have wanted and talked about and now it's happening. The sad part is that the girls and I have to wait to move until November 19th (that is just the tentative date, nothing is set in stone yet). We have to wait until we have saved enough money to make the move. So for the next 6 weeks we have to live without a daddy here in our home. It's a bummer. Especially when there is still so much to do before we go. There is so much packing and preparing. So many people that we love so much that we are going to be leaving. So many good bye's to say. Chris got to say goodbye to a few friends on Sunday. We didn't have a party, we didn't make a big deal about him leaving because quite honestly I didn't want it to be sad. It was also Allison's birthday on Sunday and I wanted it to be a happy day for her sake.
There is so much good that awaits us in Virginia. I just know it, I can feel it in my bones. I know that once we get settled and used to the idea of being on the east coast and so far away from our loved ones that we will be good. We will be able to breathe again. Friday afternoon we will find out if we got the house we really want to rent. It is in a great neighborhood, it's a beautiful home and it's close to "downtown" Warrenton. Who knows how much of a "downtown" there really is, but we will be within walking distance of it!
Well I am going to call my husband now and tell him goodnight, he's in Tennesee tonight and he is exhausted! He drove 800 miles today! Tomorrow he will head to North Carolina to see his 2 uncles and his cousin. I so wish we were with him. Soon enough I guess, soon enough.

Living in it....

When we moved into this house three years ago I remember saying the words "I never, ever want to move again." I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate the mess it brings. I don't do mess, I certainly do not do clutter. Right now, I am living in it. Living in a house that all around me is being packed up. Chris leaves Monday morning, my husband is moving to Virginia in 4 days. So because he will not be around to pack for the next 7 weeks he has been busting his butt to do everything he can to help. Which is great, I know and I swear that I am not trying to sound unappreciative but oh my God the mess that packing brings!! Holy cow there are boxes and dust bunnies everywhere!! I am trying to deal with it, trying oh so hard to look at the big picture. I am so looking forward to moving, I really am ready. But it's all the stuff in between that scares the crap out of me. Having Chris drive across the country by himself, living here without him for the next 7 weeks, flying across country with the girls all by myself (I am not very airplane savvy). These are the things that have been consuming me. Then when I am not thinking about these things I am worried about what it was going to be like when we get there. Will people like us? Will the girls make friends easily? Will I make friends easily? (I have always struggled with making new friends). Am I going to love it as much as I do in my head? I know it's beautiful there but what else? What else is there going to be for us besides beautiful scenery and seasons?
I am so overwhelmed. I am so lonely in my thoughts, I worry way too much and I know it. But for God's sake I am moving ACROSS the entire country!! Oh and I forgot to mention the dogs, I also have to fly with the dogs! Shut the door, how am I ever going to do this?

do you see the line that goes ACROSS the country?? That is going to be me.

The best part about this whole thing is that I feel like my kids will benefit so much from it. Not that they won't be devastated about leaving their friends and everything but when they are older, they will be so glad they had this experience. They will not have lived this sheltered life that their mom has. They will know that when life gives them lemons they just need to squeeze the hell out of them and make a big old batch of lemonade. I hope that is what they take away from this experience. They have been through a lot my girls. They have lost their grandma, their lifestyle has changed significantly and they are being yanked from everything they have ever known because they don't really have a choice. I will say that they are handling it well and they amaze me everyday. I truly feel that because I have had so much loss in my life God has made sure that I have really cool kids to get me through it. Both of the girls have their birthdays in October and so does Chris for that matter (he will turn 40 in Virginia all by himself :(, that makes me sad). They know that times are tough right now and every penny that we have is going towards the move (did I even begin to explain how expensive it is to move ACROSS the country?, I love to say that by the way) It is a flippin fortune. We are selling everything we can get our hands on, or everything that is on our hands in my case (but that is another story and not one that I am ready to tell). So anyway, I told my girls that after we have been in VA for a few weeks we will take the train from DC to NYC, it's only like a 2 1/2 hour train ride and we will celebrate our new lives and their birthdays all at once. They both have been dying to get to the Big Apple so I am sure this will more than make up for getting totally dissed on their birthdays.
Well that is all for now. I think writing about this journey is going to be so therapeutic for me, so thanks for reading!

So the journey begins....

It has finally happened, the light is finally there at the end of the tunnel for us. We are able to see it and embrace it.

Last week Chris went out to Virginia for a couple of job interviews and the first one went so well that he didn't even go to the second one. He called me and told me he loved it, that he was so happy. I could hear over the phone from 2500 miles away the relief and joy in my husbands voice. I knew that he wanted to do this. He fell in love with the area and all that it has to offer immediately. He sent me pictures like this-

He couldn't stop talking about how beautiful it was. I mean look at that, it looks like a postcard!

I was falling in love with it just through the pictures and his descriptions of everything.

The best part is that we already know people there so it isn't going to be nearly as scary as it could be. I have never lived anywhere but Southern California so having somebody there as my "comfort zone" is great. One of the people we know is one of my best friends from high school. She has lived there for 16 years and she lives about 30 miles from the new job and from where we will live. The other person is one of Chris's best friends from high school. He actually lives in Maryland, but it's very close and he works in DC so we will see him and his family all the time too.

I cannot even begin to explain how this has changed things for us, how we have been so relieved and happy to know that we have somewhere to call home soon. I have written before about how badly I have wanted to move out of this desert for so long, and the feeling has only gotten worse since my mom died. I miss her terribly and I really believe that once I am out of this house and I don't look out the back door at her casita anymore I will feel so much better. I also feel like she would be really happy for us.

I know that this journey isn't going to be all fun and excitement, I know that the kids are going to struggle, I am sure that I am going to miss my California friends and my brother and his family so much that I will cry. But I know that staying in the desert, staying in California was no longer an option for us. We so badly need a fresh start, a chance to get back on out feet and enjoy life again.

Chris will move before us, his new job wants him to start in a couple of weeks but the girls and I will stay behind for a while. A part of me really wishes we were leaving with him. I would love to just pack it all up and go but we are doing the smart thing, the responsible thing and letting him go ahead, this way I can continue working for a while longer, he can start his job at his new salary and then we can put money aside.

It's going to be hard to say goodbye, to be a single, full time working mom for a while and it will be so hard for the girls to not be with their dad but the good thing is we will be able to count the days and know that our new life is just around the corner.

I can't wait to take this journey and to document it, this is going to be a great time for our family and I just can't wait to get there!

A Little Advice.

Unsolicited advice. That is pretty much what this is. It is given out of love, frustration and a little bit of hurt feelings. What I am about to say might sound rude, it might even sound angry. It's not. I am just trying to explain myself.
When someone you know is going through something, maybe let's say their mother's death. Or maybe say a financial crisis where they are losing everything they have and have no idea what they are going to do. (These of course just examples, not anything personal). All you need to say is "man, that sucks." or "wow, I am sorry you are going through that". If these are things you have never dealt with, if you have no idea how it feels, then just keep it simple. Don't offer pity, don't try to make light of the situation and for God's sake by all means do not try to make the person see the bright side. Because when you are stuck in your own personal hell and you are two seconds away from a nervous breakdown you do not want somebody who is clearly not affected by this economy, who has absolutely no idea what it is like to bury their whole family, who still takes vacations and drives their nice cars and kids go to private schools, who can call their mom or dad and say hi, to say to you  "well, you still have your health". When this journey in our lives began and when our world started falling apart, not one time, not ever have I not been aware of the good things I have. Chris and I talk about it all the time. We are so glad that our kids are so awesome, we are amazed at how strong our marriage is, we thank God that nobody has gotten any major illnesses. And above all else we are so aware that there are so many people that have it worse than us. I am never one who thinks that my story is the saddest, that my life is the most stressful. It's not a contest. I am not trying to win. I just want people who are supposed to care about us and who are trying so hard to figure out what the right thing to say to know that you don't have to say anything. Just be there. Just ask us over for dinner, just ask if I want to have coffee one morning, ask if Chris wants to hang and play golf. Just do not try to make it better by trying to get us to see the bright side, we see the bright side, it's pretty obvious. I look into my children's faces and that is the bright side. I look at Chris and I know he's a healthy, strong, smart man who is willing to work his ass off for his family. I have no doubt that this will all get better. I know that a year from now we will be looking back saying "phew, glad that is over", but right now when we are in the thick of it, the people that just want to be there for us, who offer to help pack, who try to understand and show a little empathy for our situation those are the people that I want to spend time with. Those are the friends and family (and they are still out there and they know who they are)  that I let know what is happening, that I want kept in the loop and am comfortable sharing our story with.
I am sorry if this post offends anybody that is certainly not my intention, I know that people mean well, and I know what it is like to not be sure what to say. I just had to say something because my feelings keep getting hurt and I just felt that it was time to put it out there. I am an honest person, honest to a fault sometime and it was time that I was honest about this situation. Like I said in my last post I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with or the easiest person to live with but I am loyal and I am caring and I will tell you from the bottom of my heart when and if (God forbid) any of my friends and family go through trying times I will never try to make light of it, I promise not to make you look at the bright side. I understand that the bright side isn't what you need, it's knowing that someone is there for you.
Thanks for reading.
xoxo

The long road ahead...

We have a very, very long road ahead of us and the last couple of days it has been hitting me. I keep picturing what the next few months are going to be like. When we first started this journey and decided that we needed to sell the house and get the hell out of  Dodge I would imagine what our future would look like. I pictured us living in a great new neighborhood, making new friends, watching the kids explore our new state and learning all about it together. Never, ever not once did I picture all the crap that goes along with moving. I am not a good mover. I am not a good packer. I suck at following through on ANYTHING. I have severe ADD and most of the time leave projects about 60% done and walk away. It's how I roll. But with moving you kind of have to give it 100%. So now that we are getting closer to the time where we will be packing I am starting to panic. Starting to picture the melt downs, the arguments, the screaming, the pouting. Oh and by the way, that will all be me. All me, pouting and all. I know I am not easy to live with sometimes, I know that it must be hard for my husband and my oldest daughter Allison (who are both so far from having any kind of Attention Deficit issue that it's not even funny) to have me as the wife and mom but they are stuck with me and they have kind of learned how to handle me.
Chris is flying out next week to meet with a new company, I am not giving details yet until I know more but lets just say he will more than likely get the job. He booked his flight tonight and I was like 'oh my gosh this is really happening'. If this does indeed happen we will be living on the complete other side of the country by Christmas, or even sooner, Christmas is just kind of my timeline to be all moved in and settled. But when I say that we could be living there by Christmas I mean all of us, Chris will be leaving before us, which means that I will be left to do all the packing and moving myself. OH MY GOD. Seriously? What in the world am I going to do. Can you imagine the amount of xanax I am going to have to ingest? Can you imagine how much my children are going to hate me by the time we move?
This whole adventure has been kind of exciting but scary at the same time. I feel like we are taking a huge leap of faith. I mean there is a good chance that the girls and I are going to be moving there completely sight unseen. Never having visited. I have a good friend who lives there and she has been filling me in on lots of information and helping me with neighborhoods and schools so that for sure helps, gives me a certain level of comfort.
I look forward to sharing the rest of the story when I am able to offer more information and take you on my journey with me. Until then, I will be putting boxes together and deciding what to pack/save/toss/sell at a garage sale!

I hope they remember.

When I began writing this blog I started it for these people.

my two daughters, my nephew and my niece. They are the next generation of this small little family that I have left. They are relying on myself and my brother to fill them in on all the people and memories that came before them. I wanted them to have a place where they could come and read (if they are interested) about their family.

These four kids really love each other. They love spending time together and the whole time they are smiling. I love that. My brother Danny is my half brother, we have the same dad but not the same mom. Danny was 8 years old when my parents were married and he is now about to turn 58. So my mom was obviously a big part of his life. She lived 18 years longer than my dad and she and Danny continued to have a relationship after my dad was gone. He was a big part of her life and so were his children. She was so grateful to have him in her life and even more grateful that I had them in my life. Danny and I have been through so much together and to say he is my half brother feels as though I am lessening our relationship. We are as close if not closer than many siblings I know, whether we have the same mom or not we are  very close. I have spoken before of how much I rely on him and how much I count on his opinion. He is a little bossy with me sometimes, but it's alright with me. Sometimes I need it.

Anyway, let me get to the point here (I swear there is one) today we drove out to my nephew's high school football practice, they live about an hour away and with Allison cheering varsity high school football this year and Daniel playing we don't know when we will be able to go watch him play so we decided we should go watch a practice. We watched him out there working his butt off and I was so proud of how committed he is and how hard he works. (Us Sabella's aren't known to be the most committed or hard working). After practice and a very long, long shower for Daniel we all went to lunch. Whenever the 8 of us go to a restaurant for lunch it's almost always a production. We laugh, we share memories and we tease each other. We always have a good time. There has never, ever been an ounce of tension between any of us and we always enjoy each others company. I can't remember at what point it was said, if it was before, during or after we got our food but at some point Danny looked at me and said "you know this could be the last supper" meaning of course that this could be the last meal we have together before we move. I responded casually and just kind of said " I know, really". He is very supportive of us moving and was not at all trying to make me sad or make me feel bad. He would never do that. He truly wants us to find happiness and if that happens to be in Virginia, Texas or North Carolina he is good with that. But when we said goodbye and we got in the truck to go home I started thinking about it and how I am going to miss this so much. These kids having their cousins an hour away. The way they are so comfortable with each other and they know each other very well even though they are not growing up in the same town. I mean honestly technology has helped, they are all on facebook together and they all have cell phones and text each other frequently. But I hope they remember what it was like to be able to jump in the car in the morning and go to lunch together. I hope that when Danny and I are gone, that these four kids spend time together and make sure that they are included in each other's holiday plans and that they make an effort to get together at least a few times a year if they end up living far from each other.

When I have thought of moving, which of course is consuming pretty much most of my thoughts at the moment, I don't take these things into consideration. I don't think of how this huge decision we are making is going to effect other people. I don't mean that to sound self centered, I just mean that all of these decisions we are making have primarily been about the four of us and our relationship with each other. Today it made me think of other people. It made me think that just moving and getting a fresh start might not be as easy as I have pictured it to be. I hope that where ever we end up it is the best choice we could have made for our family and that we are very happy there, but I hope even more that we never lose what we have with those we love. Our circle is very small, we have made it even smaller in the last year or two but those whom we hold dear are extremely dear to our hearts and I am going to be sad without them but I sure hope that we all remember how special our relationship is and how much we mean to each other.

Friday Night Lights... and the first week of school.

So I couldn't wait for it. I was so anxious for school to start, to get back in our routine and feel like at least one thing in our life was moving forward.... and you know what it was good. It wasn't great, but it was good.
Being back at school, having new eager Kindergartners ready to learn and anxious to see what this new class was all about. Oh and the best part? I have an awesome new aid! Yay me! Last year I didn't have one, well cause honestly I didn't need one, cause again I only had 7 kids. This year I have 16 and will actually have 17 starting next week. I know that is still nothing compared to public schools now a days but it was a big jump from 7 to 16 so I am happy to have her. She's young, enthusiastic and ready to jump right in.
My kids also started school and they are both very happy. Like their new teachers, happy to be back with their friends, and probably a little happy to be back in a routine whether they admit it or not.

Allison's school just opened last year as a brand new high school with only freshmen and sophomore classes, this year they have juniors so that means they are going to have varsity teams. Which is very exciting, although without seniors on your varsity team it's a little tough to compete against other teams but we will see how it goes. Tonight they had their first home game, it wasn't an official game, just pre-season scrimmage but it was still really exciting and we were happy to finally have a game under the lights.

A little of this and a little of that at our first home game of the season.

The cheerleaders were definitely excited to be cheering on their Knights. The girls are doing so well and have seriously improved since last year at this time. They have a very tight bond and for the most part get along really, really well. We are so happy to have Allison be a part of this team and be the Captain. She loves it.
This town we live in is really small and word has traveled quickly about our house selling and our pending move. Which is funny cause we still have absolutely no idea where or when we are moving but at the same time it is inevitable, cause the house sold. Anyway, the coach and a couple of the girls and I were talking tonight and one of the cheerleaders said the sweetest thing ever to me. She said (with tears pooled in her eyes, which then made me tear up even before she began) "I don't want this to sound mean about the rest of the team, but I don't know what we are going to do without Alli, she is what keeps us all together, she is the one that holds us together as a team". Oh my gosh, what a compliment to my kid. It made me sad though to think of saying goodbye to this cheer team and all of these girls that I have grown to know and love so much. There are a few on the team that I would gladly take and raise (the little time of raising them that is left) them as my own. We will miss them so much. I am looking forward to spending this last football season with them though and watching them cheer on their boys under the Friday Night Lights.

So glad it's over.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for me and for both of my daughters. Allison will be starting 10th grade and Gianna will be starting 5th.
I can't believe the summer is over, I am so glad it is. In a good year I am not a fan of summer in the desert and this year it was especially lame. I hate the heat and I complain about it a lot. But it's not just the heat that makes this place so miserable in the summer. It's the lifestyle. There is nothing to do. Most of the places we are looking at to move to are also hot but at least they have a 'downtown' area and there are plenty of summertime activities. I look forward to enjoying the summer again and not dreading it.
I started this post because I have been reflecting on how super dumb our summer has been. Nice right? Good attitude right? Well whatever, it was dumb and I am calling it what it was.
The summer began with my mom's death and everything that went along with it. That was not the best way to kick off the summer for sure. It kind of put a downer mood on the whole season. I still can't believe she has been gone for a whole summer. Still find it hard to believe that I haven't heard her voice or seen her face in over 3 months. That is crazy to me. I have missed her every single day and  have shed many tears. It is going to take a lot longer than one summer to get over losing my mom.
About 4 weeks after my mom died we were dealt the whole pay cut blow for Chris. We were hit with the enormity of it while we were out of town for the fourth of July. That was the very last time we were able to get out of the heat for more than 9 hours all summer. The rest of the summer has been spent trying to deal with everything.
We put our home on the market on August 5th. One month after we found out about the pay cut, it only took 1 month for it to hit us and for us to not be able to keep our home any longer. Twenty one days after we listed the house it sold. We have spent the last 4 days in kind of a fog realizing that time is going to fly and we need to have some kind of plan in place. Thinking that somebody else is going to be living in this house soon and we are going to have to find a place to live.
I will say that the good news about this whole situation is that the summer flew by. It went so quickly and that is really nice. It's like ripping a band aid off. I knew it was going to hurt going into it but before I knew it, the whole thing was over.
I am so looking forward to the fall. I am not a big football fan but I love football season and all that it brings. I love the weather, the sound of a game on t.v while I cook dinner. The way people come together to watch a game. I am hoping that where ever we end up it will be some where that has a college and professional team nearby, I want to live in a place where they get real excited to watch "their" team play. Where their is a sense of pride and camraderie.
 I also can't wait for Halloween. My kids are both a little too old for it but I can't wait to decorate the house and do fun art projects with my class. I have already bought a Halloween magazine filled with recipes and art projects. I am hoping to be able to take my class on a field trip to the semi local apple orchards and pick some apples. Doesn't that sound like fall fun?
Well it's getting late and tomorrow I have to be up bright and early so that I can be ready to see those 16 shiny little faces waiting for their first day of Kindergarten. I wonder if they will be as happy as I am that summer is over.